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A New Treatment & Traveling to an Out-of-State Vanderbilt Specialist

+#health
+
+

Just a quick update about treatment changes, traveling to a research center, and how my health is. I'm doing okay. :)

+ +

Bevacizumab - not so scary after all!

+

My oncologist added a new medication to my treatment, and once again, God has been very gracious with side effects. She always planned for me to be on Bevacizumab with FOLFOX chemotherapy, but I was fresh out of intestinal surgery when I started treatment and Bevacizumab can cause gastrointestinal perforations. My oncology and surgery teams agree I've recovered enough to relieve their concern.

+

Apparently Bevacizumab prevents new blood vessels from supporting tumors, which sounds pretty hard-core! And I guess it is. The side effect booklet that came with it has all the "1 in 2 people will experience X and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 2 people will experience Y and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 3 people..." I'm very ignorant about medicine, but is it really that serious? Either way, I'm tracking my symptoms and keeping my doctor in the loop just in case..

+

FOLFOX was introduced to me in a similar fashion, with an infinite list of serious side effects, but it turned out to not be so bad so far. New medications could mess with my comfort, so I'm wary on changing, but it's not like you can expect cancer treatment to be easy. Anything to fight the tumors, right?

+

Thankfully, I slept two days after my first and second infusion, and other than that, never really experienced any side effects. Things could always change, but I am so thankful to God to once again take my medication well. Even more, four days after my first infusion, my tumors stopped hurting. They have hurt consistently for like 10 months. I privately wondered if I would be in pain forever, so this is a very big deal to me. After four weeks without pain, I'm starting to think I like Bevacizumab as much as I like FOLFOX. :)

+ +

Traveling out of state

+

My oncologist works closely with a Vanderbilt specialist researching my specific type of colon cancer, so she referred me to meet her in person. My in-laws are very interested in all the clinical trials, so my mother-in-law came, too.

+

Honestly, like I said, my treatment is already effective, so messing with my plan is a little scary for me. Especially after I was pressured out of concern by relatives into taking a turkey tail supplement (a herbal cancer cure) that dropped my blood pressure from perfect to concerningly low (and months later, it's still low). But at the same time, I'll cooperate with whatever treatments my oncologist has planned, so long as all my questions and concerns are respected. I just don't get the same hype for clinical trial treatments as my relatives, though. Surely they aren't that dangerous, but aren't they in clinical trials because they don't really know what they do yet? My cancer isn't that hopeless or that untreatable...

+

Anyway, I had no idea what to expect when I got there, but the atmosphere was very comforting. Before I even met a nurse, there was an abundance of resources available everywhere for education, financial aid, support groups, and artistic outlets. Everyone I met was so sweet and knowledgeable, too.

+

My specialist is everything you could expect. She is involved in all the studies and knows everything about all the medicines and mutations and changing health climate. She travels to all the summits and meets with all the sponsors. If there's an expert, for my type of type of type of cancer (who knew it got so specific), it's her. I wasn't exactly sure how much my mother-in-law could help by traveling with me and my husband, but I'm glad she came. The trip definitely relieved some of her concern.

+

What's really amazing to me, though, is that she confirmed that my current treatment is best for me right now. She considers me to be top of the spectrum for response to treatment, particularly enthusing over my CEA levels dropping from 166 to 20.5 after 8 treatments and the comparison of my CT scans.

+

She also remarked that my tolerance to oxalplatin is unusual. I think she said round 4 is around when patients need a break from chemotherapy, usually dropping to just the leucovorin and fluorouracil, because the progressive cold sensitivity becomes debilitating. I also experienced this, where even lukewarm water was like swallowing needles and my hands locked up when touching anything at all. Sucking on ice during infusion cured it in a snap, though. I didn't even ice early enough this time, and I still can drink ice water with only a little zing. Results tend to plateau, too, but my levels are still improving. My mother-in-law even calculated they are actually improving at a more rapid rate since before starting Bevacizumab, but I haven't tried checking the math with my chemo brain.

+

Isn't that amazing? Early on, when my oncology and surgery teams admitted options were less than optimistic and they weren't sure how to procede, I called in some friends to pray for the right treatment early. Then, back before all the initial test results returned, God provided a treatment that a cutting-edge researcher approved after seeing months of charts. God gives wisdom when you ask, just like what the Bible says!

+

Of course, it's good that she knows me personally now and is keeping me in mind during her research, should better things arise later! I even participated in a little research while I was there, since it only requires some bloodwork and questionnaires.

+ +

Feeling good, feeling good

+

If you've been wondering how I've been, I've been on more effective medicine, taking it well, and finally found some relief from the constant pain! I'll praise God in the good and the bad, but isn't it nice to see good numbers for once? Especially when the loving people around me are desperate for reassurance. It's so much easier to share my specialist's praise of my CEA levels than it was to share my life-saving gastrointestinal surgery (I for real almost died that weekend), even if both are amazing demonstations of God's hand over me.

+

I wish people would accept both good and bad news as part of the process. Personally, I feel very little control over my life, like I could be totally healed or fall into critical condition at any time. I really don't want to fixate on the future, good or bad. Tomorrow has its own worries, right? So managing the here and now is all I care to be responsible for.

+

My support group is very focused on the future, though. They are watching for a miracle. I like to be able to share good news, but God's clearly taking care of me. Like in Satan's control over Job, God has established a line that cancer cannot cross. He has surely placed it at my soul, so I am eternally safe. But if it at my life, then no matter what rollercoaster takes place, no matter how long this goes on for, He will restore my health on this side of Heaven. Is any health update really that bad in that kind of context?

+

I don't know His plans, but I know they are good and have already brought a lot of spiritual growth and opportunities to restore things with my family. I've already been through a slew of my worst fears and life-or-death situations, and the Holy Spirit breathed peace over all of it. What worth is there worrying anymore?

+

I mean, I want a lot of years with my loved ones and to be able to enjoy all the lovely things on earth, but honestly, God will take care of everything better than I could. And no one will remember anything from this side once we all get there anyway. But more than that, David believed so firmly in God's character of restoring multi-fold in this life after tragedy that I think I'll see God's goodness soon, too. No matter what His plans are, though, I'll trust Him. He's a good God.

+

I get it, though. People are concerned because they care about me. And I really appreciate all the love. :) Thank you always!

+
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Church Hurt: Is Your Speck Someone Else's Log?

+#christian #personal
+
+

I read my Bible and prayed and all, but I never felt comfortable at church in my teens. I grew up immersed in the church since I was a baby, so I passively accepted everything that happened there as a normal part of church, good or bad. Was my church's culture based on the Bible, though?

+

Reader Advisory - I'll keep it PG-13, but I'll cover how sex was discussed at my childhood church.

+ +

Sex

+

It's too private a subject for me, but it sure wasn't for anyone else in youth group!

+

To my church's credit, their children's curriculum seems better than some of my friends' in its willingness to cover all the Bible stories, including Tamar and Amnon, Elijah versus Jezebel's prophets, and other high intensity stories.

+

However, whenever I aged out of that curriculum, I stopped wanting to go back to church. My classmates in youth group were so disrespectful that most classes were spent fighting. They would run around the class, hide, and make a mess, and the teacher couldn't control them for long enough to start the lesson. I told my parents about it, but they didn't believe me, and I guess the preacher or anyone else in charge never found out how chaotic my class was, either. When we did have a small enough group to control, we discussed sexual purity. Surely we covered other things at some point, but I honestly don't remember.

+

I only got to attend one Bible conference with my church, and of course it ended up being sexual purity talk for a full weekend!

+

Even in high school, I had crushes but wasn't ready to date or do that with boys yet. I definitely struggled with other sins so much more, yet they never came up - temptations like gossip, disrespecting my parents, piracy, academic dishonesty, and other super common teen stuff.

+

From our lessons, you'd think sex is the only problem in the world. It was isolating being constantly told that a "normal" person always has sex on their mind. Every little thing a "normal" girl does is exclusively to attract boys.

+

So what? I'm not normal? Am I an alien? And to be "normal," I have to be creepily obsessed with sex at all times? I felt like I didn't belong in church at all.

+

Then randomly I found the term 'asexual' online around 2010 (age 15). It was a relief to know such a label existed, and that I wasn't alone. There really are people out there who are comfortably celibate. Some people who identify as asexuals even think it's pretty disturbing to be as obsessed with sex as my youth group lessons were! Maybe I am normal after all, at least within this context.

+

But that label also destroyed basically any point to being at Sunday School at all anymore. I related much more to asexuals than the youth group at church, and I was sure I never would want to be like them! So why did I have to listen to all that anti-sex talk? It was a waste of time.

+

So I quit.

+

I started volunteering in the church library instead during that time. Cleaning, reshelving, and reading to the little kids gave me a much greater sense of belonging and purpose. I got to spend a lot of time with the books, too, so I read tons of Christian classics and illustrated Bible stories. So much better!

+ +

Oversexualized environments were normal for me anyway

+

As a high schooler, I wasn't experienced enough yet to really tell the difference between annoying and alarming. I grew up in this church but I also grew up privately reading my Bible and praying. I have been immersed in both church culture and the Word my whole life. I never really separated the two in my head until around high school.

+

Classmates would come in every other week with "I'm not of any denomination because Jesus is a relationship, not a religion" or "being Christian is the true way to rebel in society" or "I have to walk the walk in order to be the only Jesus other people may ever see." I could tell they were parroting whatever the latest church meme hit Facebook rather than reflecting upon a direct teaching of the Apostle Paul or whatever. But even if I was starting to define my own beliefs, I still lacked the life experience to discern whether my Youth Group was appropriate or grounded in the Bible.

+

That is probably okay for people who have parents who look out for you, but I never had that umbrella. In fact, my parents were very pushy about me starting sex as early as possible, so I was pushed into a lot of intensely uncomfortable situations as a kid. (I stayed a virgin.) That was what was normal for me, though, so I didn't run to an authority whenever adults told me all the kinky things I would totally be into when I grow up. (Cringe...!!!) I didn't realize how bad that was. I just considered it an annoying part of dealing with adults.

+ +

Going back to Youth Group with all the knowledge I have now

+

I'm plenty experienced now, though! When I see this again, I'm ready. And the Youtube algorithm put it right in my face.

+

The Youtube rabbit hole drudged up a video about Christian influencers who succumbed to greed. The only Christian "influencer" I watched was Blimey Cow's Messy Mondays back in the day, so I was curious what the genre's like now. (To be clear, I've done zero fact-checking on Cruel World Happy Mind's presentation nor know anything about her or Girl Defined. I'm only discussing the narrative of the video, so give benefit of the doubt to both parties. It's just a random Youtube video.) +

The video started out pretty disappointing, apparently about a family perpetuating a conservative cult of some kind rather than the Southern Baptist culture I grew up with. CWHM even suggested there could be some link to Nazism's aversion to race mixing in their philosophy of sexual purity. As the video went on, though, it became concerningly nostalgic!

+

In the clips, the Girl Defined sisters only shared a contextless Bible verse here or there about sexual purity or submitting to parents' authority then would lecture to their teen audience about avoiding sex, dressing modestly, and the glamour of marriage. They even ran a church conference similar to the one I attended, all about sexual purity. It was like a window into my old youth group.

+

And it weirded me out! Sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality are listed as works of the flesh in Galatians 5, sure, but there's 12 other sins to preach against and things like them. For adults to obsess over that topic when talking to teen girls is strange to say the least. I can't believe our parents objected to the topic, either to its exclusivity or the potentially creepy intentions behind it. If I was a parent, I think I would at least need a vibe check on that Sunday School teacher.

+

Worse, unlike Girl Defined, sex was presented in my Sunday School as universally wrong and shameful. This was drilled into my head so firmly that the mere concept of a married couple buying a condom (because of chemo or whatever) seemed equally as shameful as going into a brothel. CWHM claims this kind of education can produce effects similar to PTSD, and though I'd hate to belittle such a serious condition, I definitely had severe scars that lasted into my late 20s.

+

CWHM later mentions Bill Gothard and shows clips of the Girl Defined sisters recalling growing up with his conferences. She also points out the accusations of sexual misconduct against him. ChatGPT 3.5 agrees with CWHM's presentation of him as a major figure of fundamental Christianity pushing ideas like sexual purity for young girls, submission to parents, and homeschool. Wrecked's video on him further presents him as sharing very little of the Word during his sermons. (Once again, I really don't know anything about Bill Gothard or these Youtubers, so let's give the real people the benefit of the doubt. But as a narrative, this was extremely eye-opening!)

+

Bill Gothard's tenets are interesting! They are all things people at churches talk about frequently. I know a million homeschooled church kids and have heard a million arguments against public school from church friends. I have definitely heard sermons on having a huge family to counteract Muslim birthrates, too (lol). And wow have I heard all about sexual purity. They may have been hot topics at my church growing up, but as an adult, I can tell you those aren't the things most frequently mentioned in the Bible. Sexual morality is mentioned so infrequently that some even claim homosexuality is compatible with Jesus' teachings! (It's not.)

+

When I read the Bible, I see an emphasis on union with God, charity, forgiveness, not judging others or revering legalism, thanksgiving, and so on. It's so obvious now. Church culture is not just taking parts of the Bible and making them more marketable like reimagining Paul's "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ" as a WWJD bracelet -- it's disconnected! The sharp divorce between topics emphasized by people in the church and topics emphasized by the Bible is so obvious to me now. I can only speak to my experience and I won't deny all the true saints I've met in churches, but it's a fact that most so-called Christians do not read the Bible and think immersion in church culture is the same thing.

+

I'm going to strawman the kind of ideology that my teen Sunday School and Bill Gothard represent and guess these kind of curriculums don't begin during a reading of Scripture. I bet they start with "sex is bad," jump to a couple of confirmational verses in their topical Bible, add some personal stories, and call it a day. Even if they happen upon a topic that is obviously biblical like abstaining from sex before marriage, their methodology is still wrong! Eisegesis is when you ignore the context of a verse and inject your own ideas into Scripture, which is a shallow and risky method of Bible training, but that's what you're doing when you lead with your own idea and incorporate the Bible as mere theming.

+

That has to be what is going on when so little Bible is read and such specific but relatively less emphasized topics are obsessed over.

+

I'm also going to strawman the reason for their fixation on the topic. Pestering Chat-GPT3.5 on this and that about fundamental Christianity, he gave Bill Gothard and Jerry Falwell, Sr., (the founder of Liberty University, a school several of my friends attended) as having had sexual misconduct. Chat-GPT3.5's knowledge is flawed, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, especially since the Me Too movement has demonstrated that not all accusations are honest.

+

I do, however, know the people I was under as a teen. Some adults definitely had creepy interactions with teenaged me, telling me about their underaged pregnancy fetishes, getting angry if I wouldn't dress in skimpy clothes, and condoning whenever my boyfriend groped my chest and punishing me if I didn't want to be touched like that. That's probably TMI, but I don't want it to sound either worse than it was or like it was nothing through vaguities. My school counselor told me my parents still love me even if they do that to me, my teachers told me not to rock the boat, and no one else listened, but I just don't think Sunday School teachers and parents should ever sexualize kids!

+ +

Isn't this a lot like that part in the Sermon on the Mount?

+ 
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you 
+	pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured 
+	to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice 
+	the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me 
+	take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You 
+	hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to 
+	take the speck out of your brother's eye.
+
+	“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they 
+	trample them underfoot and turn to attack you." (Matthew 7:1-6)
+

Stressing sexual purity to a bunch of Youth Group girls who never, as far as I know, acted on sexual temptation, while acting inappropriately yourself? That's judging specks while you have a log of your own.

+

Not being a hypocrite is a strong theme in Christ's teachings, and this is exactly why. In the case of public accusations made against church figures (Catholic priest misconduct is a mainstream media favorite), it hurts the image of the church, and in the case of girls like me, it wastes time that could be spent Bible training or serving and drives us away from the church.

+

Sometimes I watch "anti-haulers" on Youtube, girls who produce "anti-consumeristic" content by reviewing shopping catalogues and pointing out all the products you shouldn't buy. Some even go into Target and film all the cute products they will not be buying and why. They inevitably shop way more often and have way more products in their house than me, despite my pretty neutral stance on consumerism. If you were a wild conspiracy theorist, you could say these girls are being insidious, claiming to be anti-consumerism, but actually feeding you the same catalogue that a pro-consumerism channel would have.

+

Personally, I think they are just funny girls who are obsessed with shopping. I seriously doubt any have ulterior motives like that.

+

But what if a Sunday School teacher is obsessed with sexual purity? While all the while talking about nothing but sex and how you should not have it. I think it's fair to be a little suspicious of someone like that and question the curriculum at least!

+ +

I know this is the most awkward diary ever, but know where your beliefs come from!

+

As a takeaway, make sure you read and read and re-read your Bible and never tacitly accept the words of a preacher or Sunday School teacher or parent. Even if they seem like good Christians, getting the Cliff Notes from sermons and church friends is no replacement for a personal knowledge of Scripture. You just can't trust the church. Even if they mean well, they get it wrong sometimes. And besides, it's such a flimsy way to live. Christian stuff or not, always do your research by going to the source.

+

Some people don't even mean well, though. I don't really know how to deal with those sorts of people. I really don't. It just seems like so many from the older generations from my childhood think it's okay to candidly talk about weird fetishes and porn and sexual thoughts to children, and it seems like the other older people see nothing wrong with that activity, even if they don't treat kids that way themselves.

+

Then on the other hand, I don't know anyone my age who would ever treat kids that way. Everyone either hates kids and would never be anywhere near them to begin with (lol) or has a healthy respect for nurturing and teaching kids in the community. I just have never been a part of any conversation wheere someone my age was getting any kind of sexual gratification from a child. I don't even know how I would react, honestly, because I've just never seen that happen since I moved out of my parents' house. Even my new friends' parents don't act that way around teenagers.

+

Hopefully it's just a generational thing, or maybe now that I'm an adult, I choose healthier communities. It's not like I'm 100% free from the creepy adults from my childhood, though. To break the cycle, if I were to have kids, would I have to completely deny them any chance of knowing their grandparents or old family friends? Would I have to monitor every second of interaction to ensure nothing inappropriate happens? It seems really harsh and cruel and damaging in its own way to demonstrate a severe lack of trust in family or to even deny contact to extended family members, but I really don't trust them not to inappropriately touch my children. I don't want any kid to relive my confusion. It's just hard. I don't know how better to resolve it than to just acknowledge how messy and unfortunate it is. Regardless, I don't have kids right now, so I don't need an answer right now. If I ever do, I have the Bible and a lot of great child-respecting mentors in my life to help navigate the issue.

+

Anyway, forgive me for being TMI, but thanks for reading.

+
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/240512 b/src/diary/entries/240512 new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2d075cf --- /dev/null +++ b/src/diary/entries/240512 @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + +

How Am I Doing?

+#health #personal
+
+

I started my 12th chemo treatment on the 8th, and though I'm starting to feel some side effects, I have enough energy to do some hobbies and hang out with friends again. Honestly, cancer's starting to feel like the "new normal." My nurses are more optimistic every time I see them, so hopefully my scans around the end of the month will be better than last time.

+ +

New Normal

+

I went to the doctor for some fluid buildup in my lungs, and I got slammed with a cancer diagnosis and month-long hospital stay out of nowhere. I only got to stay home for a minute, too, before I was in a life-or-death situation and needed "creative" gastrointestinal surgery. Every new thing came with a learning curve or a list of scary potential side effects. I had days I was too weak to get out of bed, I had days of crazy pain, and I had days I could run errands and live relatively normally. Everything was in flux, and I felt like the world was so insubstantial, like mountains could start moving around or disappearing at any second.

+

Now, though, I know things could still change at any minute, but I've found a routine in the midst of everything. It's not like I'm at 100% again, but I can shower without wearing myself out, I can sit through church without distracting pain, and I can even exercise at the gym a little bit more each week (with exceptions). My cold sensitivity limited how I could use my hands, but I can do hand-sewing and typing just fine. The only issue I haven't been able to work around yet is preparing cold food - the moment I try to cook meat or produce from the fridge, my hands are useless the rest of the day. But all-in-all, I have a little life again, even if I can only do a few things each day instead of a hundred things each day like I used to.

+

My husband gets to be much more independent, too. For a while, he had to sit me up in bed and carry me, so he got virtually no time out of the house. I think he was very nervous to even go to the grocery store here or there. Now he can go to the office for as long as he needs to each day. I could tell he was so worried, too, but I think he's finally found some peace and sense of normalcy. At least a little normalcy.

+

I wonder about my dad. I had to set boundaries because having someone with zero chill and consistently using fatalistic language affected my health. Now that it's been a minute, I feel like I'm being unreasonable and shouldn't cut him out like that. I've always been like this since I was a kid, and I always snap right back to needing to guard myself around him the moment I give him even a little space. I'll probably never grow out of this cycle.

+

I am surprised to find out he texts my husband for health updates. At first, he really did not respect my request for not texting negatively about my health, but he stopped texting altogether when he started dating his now-wife. I thought I was old news or something, but at least the stressful texts stopped. It's not like he's ever really shown that he cares about me. But lately, he's been texting my husband for health updates, and the texts are respectful. Maybe his new wife is a good influence? Or maybe he's finally finding some kind of chill? It's not like he's reached out to me at all and he still blows me off when I call him, but that's a really big change. I guess he isn't totally evil then?

+ +

Chemo's starting to hurt.

+

I think the specialist at Vanderbilt said 4 treatments is a pretty typical wall for patients to hit when it comes to FOLFOX, but I took 10 pretty easily. It's not like I haven't hit problems with treatment before and been delivered from them, but my feet started to feel weird during #11. It's not tingly, but there was definitely a strange feeling every once in a while, like I can feel my pulse, like it's a little numb, and like I can't quite control my feet perfectly with every step. During #12, it feels like that pretty frequently throughout the day. I guess that's called neuropathy? I'm probably going to have to adjust my medication next time to avoid nerve damage. Sucking on ice helped with cold sensitivity last time, so maybe I'll try icing my feet next time. It'll be weird, but whatever.

+

The chemo is eating my blood, too. My platelets were a little low before #11 and they went up a little before #12, but I need my platelets to avoid my limbs turning purple and to keep me from bleeding out.

+

Also, thankfully, the liver pain has never come back, but I feel it some days and need a pain pill before bed about once a month now.

+ +

Please pray for me.

+

I appreciate any prayers. If you would pray for something specific, I ask you pray for my treatment to laser-target my tumors while God preserves my body. May I either take my medication well, or may the Lord prepare a new medication for me that's even better. Also, clean scans and no cancer! But His will above anything else.

+

Also, I don't know, my dad just bothers me. He's the most anxious person on earth. He tries to be a good church congregation member and all that, but he is always saying things like "it must have been God's will for Mom to die" and "God has His hand on you for now, but He can take it off at any minute" and all this stuff that just makes it seem like he has no trust in God's goodness or consistent character. It seems like he has no peace at all. He lost his wife of forever-many-years, erased everything he could of her memory, remarried quickly, and found out his oldest daughter has cancer. He needs that trust and peace, but no one can give that to him. May God draw on him, and may God soften his heart, and may he listen and be vulnerable and honest before God, and may he learn to relax and trust Him at least just a little bit. It's too sad to watch him otherwise.

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But always, thank you for reading and praying.

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GriefShare Can't Save My Dad, But I Can't Either

+#personal
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My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I interpreted it as a chance to mend.

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It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and regular phone calls.

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It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God." That thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen and got on my knees about it.

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This was led by passion, though, not the Spirit, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up.

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Addicted to Group Therapy

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He has been taking GriefShare for years. I can't review the whole program, but our local chapter explicitly doesn't encourage church attendance, prayer, or Bible reading. It shares an eisegetical verse or two, but a resounding takeaway is that all forms of grief are valid with the exception of substance abuse. Some people turn away from the church and can't read their Bible while grieving, and that's fine. Some people stop praying, and that's fine. What a horrible message to tell people! Tragically, the only testimonial guy in the weekly videos who seems to be weathering his grief well is the guy who claimed his mother raised him to never turn away from God or the church in times of trouble. If only GriefShare would encourage everyone to be like that guy and not turn away from the only source of real peace!

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Worse, the people there were clearly there to pity themselves and not listen to each other. My small group at church is focused on Bible study rather than any kind of grief, but the ladies there are so supportive and warm. My dad's therapy group fails him so hard. The teachers were super rude to him, telling him to "get over it" and that his problems aren't real. His classmates talked over each other and never made an effort to connect with him or anyone else in the room. (Except for the lady who always had cute shoes. She was nice to me.)

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To be fair, my dad was pretty rude, too, but he paid to be counseled not dismissed!

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It was obvious to me that GriefShare was a fix-all in his head, and personal Bible time was redundant. He was so anxious, so angry, and he was never getting any better. He projected it on me, too, sometimes even raising his voice over the phone for me to stop bottling it all up. He couldn't drive anymore without getting in wrecks. I tried to be his personal Uber to protect him and other people, but his backseat driving and unpredictable yelling and thrashing around in the car caused me to almost get in wrecks, too! I never did, thankfully, but he totaled his car, totaled at least 3 other people's cars, and was making me pick him up from the side of the road a few times a week. He needed real help! And the only thing that helped me was prayer and Scripture and church!

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Pray already!

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If God helped me, He could help my dad. I was driven to encourage him to pursue spiritual matters on his own. Scripture and some time with the Lord is worth a thousand counselors. Presenting all of my problems helplessly before God and turning to the Bible and church blessed me beyond finding peace with Mom's passing. It's everything.

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It's not even like his counselors are nice to him! They sent me passive-aggressive emails for being off topic when I shared Scripture to assuage a negative perception of God and again for quietly talking to the lady next to me during class. My dad had a bad reputation in the class, so maybe I never had a chance of being accepted to begin with, but come on lol. That was not an accepting or kind environment at all. Surely there is a small group at his own church (or mine!) that would be so much better for therapy. But more importantly, surely a private audience with God would be so much more of a sanctuary than that place.

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Then his response hit me like a truck. He bluntly said God had told him he doesn't need to read the Bible. God said GriefShare is enough. It's held in a church, after all.

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That's the third commandment, isn't it?

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My passion caused the Lord's name to be used in vain, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. I had been in the wrong this whole time.

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Never judge someone else's heart

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I was acting like I knew his heart, when no one even knows their own heart but God. I judged my dad as unsaved and was taking it as my responsibility to work his salvation. We should never judge each other's salvation. Jesus told us to spread the seeds and perhaps harvest them but nothing more. He even told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God.

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I shouldn't have done that.

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He never changed

+

Not too long later, Dad came to pick me up for GriefShare, insisting that he drive us at least once. I was weak and agreed, knowing all the wrecks he's been in lately and how nervous he is when I'm driving, but my husband did not agree. He came out very insistent I do not get in that car. It led to a pretty crazy fight in our front yard, and I just know all our nosy neighbors were watching because they always do.

+

I want to be honest and hide nothing, despite being very much the kind of person to tip-toe around issues and easily fall for gaslighting in the past. So I stayed calm, spoke from the heart, and didn't allow him to say anything that contradicted my memory, especially ones where my husband himself was a part of. What resulted was exactly what I prayed for about a year ago - answers, or at least acknowledgement.

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Honestly, the part of Mom's cancer diagnosis that probably hit me the hardest was that I would never get any answers about my childhood. I would never be old enough nor mature enough to have a real conversation with either of my parents, and Mom was by far the more reasonable and kinder one. I at least have had conversations with her about life, even if they were very seldom. Dad has never spoken to me besides to be abusive or incredibly fake and vague. I prayed hopelessly to God, the only person who could help at all, and He responded, "It doesn't matter." And in the sense of forgiveness, a new creation, and an identity defined in Him, everything in my past truly doesn't matter! Yet that conversation, I was suddenly old and mature enough to get a glimmer of my dad's inner world anyway.

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I never knew if he had some kind of undiagnosed mental disability that prevented him from understanding or remembering the cruel things he did to me, or whether he was just a garden variety hypocrite. When he tried to build himself up on all these random good things he's done for me, I told him that he might be remembering doing those things for my younger sister (the favorite child by far, though she was raised without love either), but he never did them for me. Most of them were times when my husband (then-boyfriend) was present anyway, so my husband could back me up.

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No, Dad, you did not give me $40 in college. No, you did not visit me and take me grocery shopping. No, you didn't visit people in my town behind my back and manifest a job opening for me, and you didn't do that for my sister, either. Yes, Dad, you hit me.

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He confessed to it all. He really said he hit me, and he really said he was aware of it when he did it. And he isn't sorry.

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That was important for my husband, but it was not so important for me. What is important for me is how cruel and disrespectful he has been to Mom's memory, only saying horrible things about her and never nice things. Only ever getting rid of her stuff and never cherishing any keepsake. Dating and remarrying so quickly. Mom wasn't perfect, but I loved her. Even if Mom wasn't lovable, she's dead now. It's over. There's no reason to trashtalk her in every conversation over a year later.

+

So I told him that it hurt my feelings. I told him I understand there are different ways of grieving and that that is clearly part of his grief (or at least, that's the gentle way GriefShare phrases it, even if it's not valid), but for me, it hurts me in my grieving to have never heard him ever speak respectfully of Mom's memory. I know he loves her (I don't) and I know it's part of how he's grieving (it's not valid), but it would be deeply healing for me to hear him say anything respectful towards her. Or to at least hear disrespectful things less often. Especially since he is always claiming to be so concerned about my grief more than anyone else's in the family because I "grieve wrong."

+

I don't know how else to phrase it without outright accusing him of being hateful. If I could get one little touch of healing out of this conversation, though, it would be respect for my mother's memory out of his mouth, so if I was speaking from my heart, I had to put that out there.

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What he told me in response undid every little bit of growth I had imagined in him.

+

He spewed the most hateful things I have ever heard him say about Mom in my entire life. I grew up with them throwing things at each other, threatening divorce, and Dad calling Mom crazy and ugly and fat and old and senile and a conspiracy theorist and everything else. I put up with Dad claiming Mom's cancer must have gone to her brain because she was insane not share the cat photos I sent her with him. He had no line with her reputation. Then, after I revealed how much it hurt my feelings, he said the worst things about her I had ever heard and wouldn't shut up.

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All the people I insisted to that my dad was gentle and had changed. Sheesh, I look crazy foolish.

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My husband accused him of killing her, because the circumstances around her death are pretty inexcusable, if you really have to be honest about it. And Dad said she killed herself. Man, what a mess. Right in front of all of my noisy, gossipy neighbors. At least I didn't have to go to that stupid GriefShare class that week.

+ +

I think I'm banned from interacting with him now.

+

For real, right after that, I fell debilitatingly ill and was diagnosed with cancer 3 months later. I thought his words made me that sick. That was the last time I talked to him until he found out I had cancer, and I concealed that so hard until I was back home, knowing how he treated Mom in the hospital. It was probably a good idea because the moment I did tell him, he didn't stop yelling at me over the phone out of anger about it nor saying God was going to kill me soon until my husband, pastor, and friends encouraged me to set up boundaries.

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I was buying his groceries for him regularly, but my sudden illness cut that out. He didn't want to be around me with cancer because he might make me sick or something, so all visits stopped for a long time. He never really picked up my calls anyway.

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I was totally walled off from him the moment that yard fight ended, and I think that's a healthy thing for now. There was never anything I could do for my dad. Every encouragement I gave him to turn his problems over to the Lord soured him. Every father-daughter moment I tried to orchestrate ended in danger or abuse. Every positive tinge of hope I got from his words and behavior were false. The only thing I can do for him is pray, and I can do that from a very, very far distance just as effectively as I can at his GriefShare lesson.

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Can he change?

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I've heard lots of stories that go either way. Saul certainly never changed. The Apostle Paul certainly changed. My associate pastor and my friend's dads both unexpectedly came to the Lord later in life. But no one can take credit for these changes. My pastor gave a sermon where diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/231018 b/src/diary/entries/hold/231018 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/231019 b/src/diary/entries/hold/231019 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/231020 b/src/diary/entries/hold/231020 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240223 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240223 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240224 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240224 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240225 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240225 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240226 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240226 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240227 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240227 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240228 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240228 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240229 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240229 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240301 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240301 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240302 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240302 old mode 100644 new mode 100755 diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240330 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240330 deleted file mode 100644 index 3304115..0000000 --- a/src/diary/entries/hold/240330 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,29 +0,0 @@ - -

Vanderbilt

-#health
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Just a quick update about treatment changes, traveling to a research center, and how my health is. I'm doing okay. :)

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Bevacizumab - not so scary after all!

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My oncologist added a new medication to my treatment, and once again, God has been very gracious with side effects. I was always meant to be on Bevacizumab with FOLFOX chemotherapy. I was fresh out of intestinal surgery when I started treatment, though, and Bevacizumab can cause gastrointestinal perforations. My oncology and surgery teams agree I've recovered enough to relieve their concern.

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Apparently Bevacizumab prevents new blood vessels from supporting tumors, which sounds effective, but it also sounds pretty hard-core! And I guess it is. The side effect booklet that came with it has all the "1 in 2 people will experience X and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 2 people will experience Y and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 3 people..." I'm very ignorant about medicine and it's a very big phobia for me, but is it really that serious? Regardless, I do have to watch out for signs of perforation.

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FOLFOX was introduced in a similar fashion, with infinite serious side effects, but I'm pretty comfortable on it. New medications could mess with that. Anything to fight the tumors, though, right?

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But thankfully, I slept two days after my first and second infusion, and other than that, never really experienced any side effects. Things could always change, but I am so thankful to God to once again take my medication well. Even more, four days after my first infusion, my tumors stopped hurting. They have hurt consistently for like 10 months. I privately wondered if I would be in pain forever, so this is a very big deal to me. After four weeks without pain, I'm starting to think I like Bevacizumab as much as I like FOLFOX. :)

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Traveling out of state

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My oncologist works closely with a Vanderbilt specialist researching my specific type of colon cancer, so she referred me to meet her in person. My in-laws are very interested in all the clinical trials, so my mother-in-law came, too.

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Honestly, like I said, my treatment is already effective, so messing with my plan is a little scary for me. Especially after I was pressured out of concern into taking a turkey tail supplement (a herbal cancer cure) that dropped my blood pressure from perfect to concerningly low. But at the same time, I'll follow treatment changes from my oncologist.

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I had no idea what to expect when I got there, but the atmosphere was very comforting. Before I even met a nurse, there was an abundance of resources available everywhere for education, financial aid, support groups, and artistic outlets. Everyone I met was so sweet and knowledgeable, too.

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My specialist is everything you could expect, though. She is involved in all the studies and knows everything about all the medicines and mutations and changing health climate. Meeting such a seasoned doctor relieved some of the concern of my out-of-state family, too.

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What's really amazing to me, though, is that she confirmed that my current treatment is best for me right now. She considers me to be top of the spectrum for response to treatment, particularly enthusing over my CEA levels dropping from 166 to 20.5 after 8 treatments and the comparison of my CT scans.

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She also remarked that my tolerance to oxalplatin is unusual. I think she said round 4 is around when patients need a break from chemotherapy, usually dropping to just the leucovorin and fluorouracil, because the progressive cold sensitivity becomes debilitating. I also experienced this, where even lukewarm water was like swallowing needles and my hands locked up when touching anything at all. Sucking on ice during infusion cured it in a snap, though. I didn't even ice early enough this time, and I still can drink ice water with only a little zing. Results tend to plateau, too, but my levels are still improving. My mother-in-law even calculated they are actually improving at a more rapid rate since before starting Bevacizumab, but I haven't tried checking the math with my chemo brain.

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Isn't that amazing? Early on, when my oncology and surgery teams admitted options were less than optimistic and they weren't sure how to procede, I called in some friends to pray for the right treatment early. Then, back before all the initial test results returned, God provided a treatment that a cutting-edge researcher approved after seeing all the charts. God gives wisdom when you ask, just like what the Bible says!

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Of course, it's good that she knows me personally now and is keeping me in mind during her research, should better things arise later! I even participated in a little research while I was there, since it only requires some bloodwork and questionnaires.

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Feeling good, feeling good

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If you've been wondering how I've been, I've been on more effective medicine, taking it well, and finally found some relief from the constant pain! I'll praise God in the good and the bad, but isn't it nice to see good numbers for once? Especially when the loving people around me are desperate for reassurance. It's so much easier to share my specialist's praise of my CEA levels than it was to share my life-saving gastrointestinal surgery, even if both are amazing demonstations of God's hand over me.

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I wish people would accept both good and bad news as part of the process. Personally, I feel very little control over my life, like I could be totally healed or in critical condition at any time. I really don't want to consider the possibilities, good or bad. Tomorrow has its own worries, right? So managing the here and now is all I care to be responsible for.

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My support group is very focused on the future, though. They are watching for a miracle. I like to be able to share good news, but God's hand is clearly on me. Like in Satan's control over Job, God has established a line that cancer cannot cross. He has surely placed it at my soul, so I am eternally safe. But if it at my life, then no matter what rollercoaster takes place, no matter how long this goes on for, He will restore my health on this side of Heaven.

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I don't know His plans, but I know they are good and have already brought a lot of spiritual growth and opportunities to restore things with my family. I've already been through a slew of my worst fears and life-or-death situations, and the Holy Spirit breathed peace over all of it. What worth is there worrying anymore?

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I mean, I want a lot of years with my loved ones and to be able to enjoy all the lovely things on earth, but honestly, God will take care of everything better than I could. And no one will remember anything from this side once we all get there anyway. But more than that, David believed so firmly in God's character of restoring multi-fold in this life after tragedy that I think I'll see God's goodness soon, too. No matter what His plans are, though, I'll trust Him. He's a good God.

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Church Hurt: Is Your Speck Someone Else's Log?

-#christian
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I read my Bible and prayed and all, but I never felt comfortable at church in my teens. I grew up immersed in the church since I was a baby, so I passively accepted everything that happened there as a normal part of church, good or bad. Was my church's culture based on the Bible, though?

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Reader Advisory - I'll keep it PG-13, but I'll cover how sex was discussed at my childhood church.

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Sex

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It's too private a subject for me, but it sure wasn't for anyone else in youth group!

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To my church's credit, their children's curriculum seems better than some of my friends' in its willingness to cover all the Bible stories, including Tamar and Amnon, Elijah versus Jezebel's 450 prophets of the false god Baal and the 400 prophets of the false goddess Asherah, and other high intensity stories.

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However, whenever I aged out of that curriculum, I aged into a curriculum that turned me away from attending. It felt like every week, we discussed sexual purity. I'm sure we covered other things at some point, but I don't remember!

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Honestly, even in high school, I had crushes but wasn't ready to date or do that with boys yet. I definitely struggled with other sins so much more, yet they never came up - temptations like gossip, disrespecting my parents, piracy, academic dishonesty, and other super common stuff. I only got to attend one Bible conference with my church, and of course it ended up being sexual purity talk for a full weekend!

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From our lessons, you'd think sex is the only thing at the forefront of teens' minds at all times. It was isolating being constantly told that a normal person always has sex on their mind and every little thing a normal girl does is exclusively to be attract boys.

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So what? I'm not normal? Am I a freak? And to be "normal," I have to be creepily obsessed with boys to be normal?

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Then randomly I found the term 'asexual' online around 2010 (age 15). It was comforting to know such a label existed, and that I wasn't alone.

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But that label also destroyed basically any point to being at Sunday School at all anymore. I related much more to asexuals than the sex obsessed Sunday School discussion, and I was sure I never would want to be like them! So why did I have to listen to all that anti-sex talk? It was a waste of time.

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So I quit.

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I started volunteering in the church library instead during that time. Cleaning, reshelving, and reading to the little kids gave me a much greater sense of belonging and purpose. I got to spend a lot of time with the books, too, so I read tons of Christian classics and illustrated Bible stories. So much better!

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Oversexualized environments were normal for me anyway

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As a high schooler, I wasn't experienced enough yet to really tell the difference between annoying and alarming. I grew up in this church but I also grew up privately reading my Bible and praying. I have been immersed in both church culture and the Word my whole life. I never really separated the two in my head until around high school. Classmates would come in every other week with "I'm not of any denomination because Jesus is a relationship, not a religion" or "being Christian is the true way to rebel in society" or "I have to walk the walk in order to be the only Jesus other people may ever see," but it was all clearly church memes rather than a direct teaching of Paul or whatever. Even if I was starting to define my own beliefs, I still lacked the life experience to discern whether my Youth Group was appropriate or grounded in the Bible.

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That is probably okay for people who have parents who look out for you, but I never had that umbrella. In fact, my parents were very pushy about me starting sex as early as possible, so I was pushed into a lot of intensely uncomfortable situations as a kid. (Don't worry, I stayed a virgin.) That was what was normal for me, though, so I didn't think twice about whenever adults told me how kinky I would be when I grow up. (Cringe...)

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Going back to Youth Group with all the knowledge I have now

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I'm plenty experienced now, though! When I see this again, I'm ready. And the Youtube algorithm put it right in my face.

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The Youtube rabbit hole drudged up a video about Christian influencers who succumbed to greed. The only Christian "influencer" I watched was Blimey Cow's Messy Mondays back in the day, so I was curious what the genre's like now. (To be clear, I've done zero fact-checking on Cruel World Happy Mind's presentation nor know anything about her or Girl Defined. I'm only discussing the narrative of the video, so give benefit of the doubt to both parties.) -

The video started out pretty disappointing, apparently about a family perpetuating a conservative cult of some kind rather than the Southern Baptist culture I grew up with. CWHM even suggested there could be some link to Nazism's aversion to race mixing in their philosophy. As the video went on, though, it became concerningly nostalgic!

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In the clips, the Girl Defined sisters only shared a Bible verse here or there about sexual purity or submitting to parents' authority then would lecture to their teen audience about avoiding sex, dressing modestly, and the glamour of marriage. They even ran a church conference similar to the one I attended, all about sexual purity. It's like a window into my past.

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And it weirded me out! Sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality are listed as works of the flesh in Galatians 5, sure, but there's 12 other sins to preach against and things like them. To obsess over that topic when talking to teen girls is strange to say the least. I can't believe no one's parents objected to the topic, either to its exclusivity or the potentially creepy intentions behind it. If I was a parent, I think I would at least check the Sunday School teacher's vibe.

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Worse, unlike Girl Defined, sex was presented in my Sunday School as universally wrong and shameful. This was drilled into my head so firmly that the mere concept of a married couple buying a condom (because of chemo or whatever) seemed equally as shameful as going into a brothel. CWHM claims this kind of education can produce effects similar to PTSD, and though I'd hate to belittle such a serious condition, I definitely had severe scars that lasted into my late 20s.

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CWHM later mentions Bill Gothard and shows clips of the Girl Defined sisters recalling growing up with his conferences. She also points out the accusations of sexual misconduct against him. ChatGPT 3.5 agrees with CWHM's presentation of him as a major figure of fundamental Christianity pushing ideas like sexual purity for young girls, submission to parents, and homeschool. Wrecked's video on him further presents him as sharing very little of the Word during his sermons. (Once again, I really don't know anything about Bill Gothard or these Youtubers, so let's give the real people the benefit of the doubt. But as a narrative, this was extremely eye-opening!)

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Bill Gothard's tenets are interesting! They are all things people at churches talk about frequently I know a million homeschooled church kids and have heard a million arguments against public school from church friends. I have definitely heard sermons on having a huge family to counteract Muslim birthrates, too (lol). And wow have I heard all about sexual purity. They may have been hot topics at my church growing up, but as an adult, I can tell you those aren't the things most frequently mentioned in the Bible. Sex morality is mentioned so infrequently that some even claim homosexuality is compatible with Jesus' teachings!

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When I read the Bible, I see an emphasis on union with God, charity, forgiveness, not judging others or revering legalism, thanksgiving, and so on. It's so obvious now. Church culture is not just taking parts of the Bible and making them more marketable like reimagining Paul's "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ" as a WWJD bracelet -- it's disconnected! The sharp divorce between topics emphasized by people in the church and topics emphasized by the Bible is so obvious to me now. I can only speak to my experience and I won't deny all the true saints I've met in churches, but it's a fact that most so-called Christians do not read the Bible and think immersion in church culture is the same thing.

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I'm going to strawman the kind of ideology that my teen Sunday School and Bill Gothard represent and guess these kind of curriculums don't begin during a reading of Scripture. I bet they start with "sex is bad" and jump to a couple of confirmational verses in their topical Bible, add some personal stories, and call it a day. Even if they happen upon a topic that is obviously biblical like abstaining from sex before marriage, their method is still wrong! Eisegesis is when you ignore the context of a verse and inject your own ideas into Scripture, which is a shallow and risky method of Bible training.

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That has to be what is going on when so little Bible is read and such specific but relatively less emphasized topics are obsessed over.

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I'm also going to strawman the reason for their fixation on the topic. Pestering Chat-GPT3.5 on this and that about fundamental Christianity, he gave Bill Gothard and Jerry Falwell, Sr., (the founder of Liberty University, a school several of my friends attended) as having had sexual misconduct. Chat-GPT3.5's knowledge is flawed, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, especially since the Me Too movement has demonstrated that not all accusations are honest.

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I do, however, know the people I was under as a teen. Some adults definitely had creepy interactions with teenaged me.

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Isn't this a lot like that part in the Sermon on the Mount?

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“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
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-“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you. (Matthew 7:1-6)
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Stressing sexual purity to a bunch of Youth Group girls who never, as far as I know, acted on sexual temptation, while acting inappropriately yourself? That's judging specks while you have a log of your own.

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Not being a hypocrite is a strong theme in Christ's teachings, and this is exactly why. In the case of public accusations made against church figures (Catholic priest misconduct is a mainstream media favorite), it hurts the image of the Bride of Christ, and in the case of girls like me, it wastes time that could be spent Bible training or serving and drives us away from the church.

-

Sometimes I watch "anti-haulers" on Youtube, girls who produce "anti-consumeristic" content by reviewing shopping catalogues and pointing out all the products you shouldn't buy. Some even go into Target and film all the cute products they will not be buying and why. They inevitably shop way more often and have way more products in their house than me, someone pretty neutral on consumerism. If you were a wild conspiracy theorist, you may say these girls are being insidious, claiming to be anti-consumerism, but actually feeding you the same catalogue that a pro-consumerism channel would have. Personally, I think they are just funny girls who are obsessed with shopping. I seriously doubt any have ulterior motives like that.

-

But what if a Sunday School teacher is obsessed with sexual purity? While all the while talking about nothing but sex and how you should not have it. I think it's fair to be a little suspicious of someone like that and question the curriculum at least!

-

It's a really awkward topic, I know, but -
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/hold/240409 b/src/diary/entries/hold/240409 deleted file mode 100644 index 782005c..0000000 --- a/src/diary/entries/hold/240409 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10 +0,0 @@ -GriefShare can't save my dad, but I can't either. - -

My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I interpreted it as a chance to mend.

-

It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and regular phone calls.

-

It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God." That thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen and got on my knees about it.

-

This was led by passion, though, not the Spirit, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up.

-

He has been taking GriefShare for years. I can't review the whole program, but our local chapter explicitly doesn't encourage church attendance, prayer, or Bible reading. It shares an eisegetical verse or two occasionally, but a resounding takeaway is that all forms of grief are valid (besides turning to substance abuse). Some people turn away from the church and can't read their Bible while grieving, and that's fine. What a horrible message to tell people! Worse, the people there were clearly there to pity themselves and not listen to or support each other. They were super rude to my dad, telling him to "get over it" and that his problems aren't real. To be fair, my dad was being pretty rude, too, but he paid to be counseled not dismissed!

-

It was obvious to me that GriefShare was a fix-all in his head, and personal Bible time was redundant. I was driven to encourage him to pursue spiritual matters on his own. Scripture and some time with the Lord is worth a thousand counselors. Turning to the church and the Bible blessed me beyond finding peace with Mom's passing. It's everything.

-

Then his response hit me like a truck. He bluntly said God had told him he doesn't need to read the Bible. God said GriefShare is enough. It's held in a church, after all.

-

My passion caused the Lord's name to be used in vain, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. I had been in the wrong this whole time. I was acting like I knew his heart, when no one even knows their own heart but God. I judged my dad as unsaved and was taking it as my responsibility to work his salvation. We should never judge each other's salvation. Jesus told us to spread the seeds and perhaps harvest them but nothing more. He even told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God.

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