<p>Heads up: spoiling Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser (1900).</p>
<p>FOLFIRI makes me lonelu, I could bounce back from FOLFOX in a few days, but FOLFIRI has been taking over a week. It's a combination of super fatigue, pain, and moodiness, but it's made my world really small for maybe months now.</p>
<p>Heads up: spoiling the novel <i>Sister Carrie</i> by Theodore Dreiser (1900).</p>
<p>FOLFIRI is isolating. Unlike FOLFOX's 2-day recovery period, FOLFIRI has me dragging for over a week--a relentless combination of fatigue, pain, and moodiness. Without being able to go anywhere or handle anything too taxing, my world's contracted into a tight, inward world orbiting the chemo spa and mild pleasures. </p>
<h2>Alone Together </h2>
<p>There's a very cute manga series called Garden Sphere that I read on ガンガンONLINE. (Oh, I would love to cosplay Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou with my husband. Konno's art is adorable.♥) The manga refers to the private little rural castle they live in as a "garden sphere," and very few characters are introduced there with very little conflict. </p>
<p>In 2017, ガンガンONLINE published a sweet manga series called <i>Garden Sphere</i>. (And, oh, how I'd love to cosplay Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou with my husband.♥) The title refers to the secluded little rural castle they retreat into during a time of war to negotiate their political marriage. War cannot reach them there, and no one intrudes aside from a skeleton crew of family servants. </p>
<center><img src="/static/img/ent/Garden-Sphere.png" alt="(image: A scan from Garden Sphere. Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou are so cute. She's a little horned girl with messy long hair and an adorable ruffled lolita dress, and Rou is one of those animal ear boys who also has visible human ears. In the text, they are agreeing to have a pretend marriage.)" width="500" height="440"></center> <br>
<p>I adopted this term for any kind of limited world. Fiction always does this. Instead of creating a world (regardless of how much worldbuilding the author has done in his own head), the finished work is usually going to edited to the relevant parts. There will be a limited cast exploring the theme in limited places. Even if it's a massive epic with a massive cast and high stakes conflicts, there's usually some pocket world within it, like a home or safe spot. </p>
<p>This idea of a “garden sphere” resonates with me. Every work of fiction has--or should have--a narrowed focus, edited under the governance of theme and character. Even grand epics with sprawling settings will carve out intimate spaces: the sanctuary of home, a confidant's embrace, or a moment of introspection that shuts out the storm. These spaces are needed to ground the narrative and characters. </p>
<p>I'm a very internally involved person. I've always had imaginary friends and a very active internal monologue and all that, while being more reserved in real life interactions. As a teen, few could enter my garden sphere, but we formed deep friendships within it. I think this is why I'm very drawn to garden sphere-like pocket worlds, especially the ones with extremely limited access. To name a few, the player-owned home in most games, Persona's Velvet Room, towers in Code Lyoko, the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter, the bonfires in Dark Souls, Guild Wars's guild halls, runecrafting altars in RuneScape, Planescape: Torments's Modron Cube, and Ryan Gosling's AI girlfriend in Blade Runner 2049. Most of my creative writing as a little kid was about taking a character or two away and setting them in some small pocket dimension, some room, some island, and playing out solitude. It's probably some disassociative misanthropic interest but whatever. </p>
<p>I’ve always been drawn to these secluded worlds. Growing up, I cultivated my own garden sphere—a realm of imagination and contemplation, guarded by a reserved exterior. Few entered, but those who did are lifelong friends. Maybe that’s why I’m fixated on these spaces with restricted access, designed to be sanctuaries and places of personal nurturing. </p>
<p>Some favorites come to mind: the Velvet Room in <i>Persona</i>, the towers in <i>Code Lyoko</i>, the Room of Requirement in <i>Hogwarts Legacy</i> (sorry Harry Potter people, I only know this game), and Ryan Gosling's AI girlfriend in <i>Blade Runner 2049</i>. Spaces like guild halls in <i>Guild Wars</i> and runecrafting altars in <i>RuneScape</i> give that sense of being whisked away to a private space only you can your friends can enter. It's more fun when that secret world is tied to an item, like the Modron Cube in <i>Planescape: Torment</i>. </p>
<p>Even in my childhood, I can identify a few. I ran away from home a lot (lol) and haunted the few spaces that felt empty and safe - a wedding chapel in the woods that was never locked, a strangely unused house in my neighborhood, and the unlit sanctuary of a church by my school. My childhood writing illustrated its own, periodically taking a character or two out of the scene and setting them on some island to play out their solitude. It's probably a disassociative misanthropic tendency but whatever. I just crave hiding places. </p>
<h2>FOLFIRI's Small World </h2>
<p>Over anything dramatic or Instagram-worthy, I prefer this. Especially trying to get over cancer, I have a superstition that any stress damages the body (including eustress), wasting my body's recovery efforts. Chemo fog limits your bandwidth, too. I always guard my garden sphere well, but now I keep it mildly pleasant and childishly shallow. Sometimes I feel guilty, having a natural tendency towards ascetism, and being forced into a somewhat hedonistic lifestyle. Lounging and enjoying simple pleasures is not the life I ever tried to live, yet what else can I physically and mentally do? </p>
<p>Over a fancy globetrotter life with friends and indulgences everywhere, I prefer this simple kind of life. Cancer's bred a superstition in me about that kind of excitement--that any stress, even eustress, sabotages my body and wastes precious recovery energy. Then the chemo fog makes my head run like a slow computer. I always preserved my garden sphere, but now it's a mild, almost childishly shallow place. Sometimes my natural asceticism stirs with guilt over this hedonistic routine I never expected to have. Lounging and enjoying simple pleasures is not the life I tend towards. But what else can I do when my constitution is so weak, physically and mentally? </p>
<p>Straight out of the hospital, I could only follow Kitchen Nightmares. The Youtube comments are full of hospital patients and people watching with dying relatives, so I don't think this is uncommon! It's truly the most shallow, limited, frankly braindead television out there, a very safe and easy garden sphere. The narrative is predictable, only a handful of employees are shown, and no matter the problem, it can usually be fixed with a white coat of paint, tiny pretentious burgers, and a heart-to-heart with the villain of the week. </p>
<p>Straight out of the hospital, I marathoned Kitchen Nightmares to an extreme that is frankly embarrassing. I don't think I'm alone. The Youtube comments are full of hospital patients and people watching with dying relatives. Gordon Ramsay may have perfected braindead television. Any episode is a safe bet--a handful of employees to remember, a villain of the week, and Ramsay's miracle cure-all: a coat of white paint, tiny pretentious burgers, and a heart-to-heart. This is truly the epitome of garden sphere reality cable. </p>
<p>I've gotten better, but I still mostly watch doll webisodes, play easy MMOs, and can barely read - garden spheres all. It's a severe step down from Etidorpha, the Bhagavata Purana, and the church fathers, but chemo fog is draining to cut through. The first book I've finished in over a year is <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/233">Theodore Dreiser's Sister Carrie</a>. </p>
<p>As I've gotten better, my tolerance for media's improved, but not much. I graduated to doll webisodes, easy MMO private servers, and virtually no real literature. It's a sharp drop from Etidorpha, the Bhagavata Purana, and the church fathers I was reading before my health decline, but chemo fog is thick as roux to cut through. That said, at the end of November, I finally managed to finish something for the first time in over a year: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/233">Sister Carrie</a>. </p>
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