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 <p>Colon cancer can look a lot like grief or fatigue, so I didn't recognize it for maybe 2 years. Lining up so well with my mom's passing and other stressful events isn't bad timing, though, because God's timing is always perfect. </p>
 
 <h2>it's just grief </h2>
-   <p>I've had low energy for months, maybe even a year. I haven't had energy for cooking, programming, or even videogames, so I've fallen massively behind in all my hobbies. I've been really lame, I know. The time lines up perfectly with my mom's passing in September 2022, so I assumed it was part of grieving and would pass in time. </p>
+   <p>I've had low energy for months, maybe even a year. I haven't had energy for cooking, programming, or even videogames, so I've fallen massively behind in all my hobbies. Basically, I've been really lame. The timing lines up perfectly with my mom's passing in September 2022, so I assumed it was part of grieving and would pass eventually. </p>
    <h2>it's just a pulled muscle </h2>
-   <p>About six months before the diagnosis, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right side. It felt like a dagger in my liver, and I could not lift my arm over my head. I could barely sit up. Before the pain, I had been nonstop coughing every night for weeks, so constantly I couldn't have conversations. Google suggested it was a torn muscle, which constant coughing can cause, so that's what I went with as an explanation. After two or three weeks, the pain dropped to a manageable level, only hurting some days. </p>
+   <p>About six months before the diagnosis, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right side. It felt like a dagger in my liver, and I could not lift my arm over my head. I could barely even sit up. Before the pain, I had been nonstop coughing every night for weeks, so constantly I couldn't have conversations. Google suggested it was a torn muscle, which constant coughing can cause, so that's what I went with as an explanation. After two or three weeks, the pain dropped to a manageable level, only hurting some days. It concerned me, but I ultimately let it go. </p>
    <h2>it's just stress </h2>
-   <p>My health was in the background all 2023. The entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I took it as a chance to mend. It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and numerous chatty phone calls. </p>
+   <p>My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I took it as a chance to mend. It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and numerous chatty phone calls. </p>
    <p>It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God" that thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen. </p>
    <p>This was led by passion, not the Spirit, though, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up. I had told him group counseling is good if it works for him, but he will have a deeper recovery if he combines it with personal Bible reading. He told me God said group counseling is all he needs, especially since it is already held at a church. My passion led him to put words in God's mouth, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. It is a difficult thing for me to hear, but Jesus told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word, after all. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God. </p>
-   <p>Also during this time, he was getting in wrecks or near-wrecks as often as he was getting in a car. Some of them were severe for the other drivers, so I took over as his Uber out of concern. He wasn't on drugs or anything, he is just the most anxious person on earth. I didn't help, though. He would scream and backseat drive so aggressively that <em>I</em> started having near-wrecks every time I drove him. It climaxed three months ago (what timing!) when Dad insisted on driving us to group therapy this time, and my husband came out and refused for me to get in the car with him anymore. It turned into a fight where Dad spewed the most hateful words against Mom I had ever heard and admitted boldly to every way he hurt me in the past. Maybe he is more gentle and maybe he tries to repair things in his own way, but I shouldn't expect that to mean he is a gentle dad now. </p>
+   <p>Also during this time, he was getting in wrecks or near-wrecks as often as he was getting in a car. Some of them were severe for the other drivers, so I took over as his personal Uber out of concern. He wasn't on drugs or anything, he is just the most anxious person on earth. I didn't help, though. He would scream randomly and backseat drive to the point even I started having near-wrecks. The drama climaxed three months ago (what timing!) when Dad insisted on taking a turn driving us to group therapy, and my husband came out and refused for me to get in the car with him anymore. It turned into an embarrassing yard fight where Dad spewed the most hateful words against Mom I had ever heard and blatantly confessed to all the times he's hurt Mom and me, despite his gaslighting. It was shocking. I thought he had changed, but he had never seemed more hateful to me than in that moment. Maybe he is more gentle and maybe he tries to repair things in his own way, but he is still Dad. </p>
-   <p>This fight was the last time I was able to talk to him. He tried to get me to run errands for him, but I was not only too hurt by his words; I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stay awake. It was about three months before the diagnosis, and my energy dropped to an all-time low. I could get through a day, but I would curl up and sleep the moment I got home. I thought Dad had placed too much stress for me to bear, and I had to rest for a long time to recover. Months passed, and I didn't recover, but I still blamed the grief and the fight. </p>
+   <p>This fight was the last time I was able to talk to him. He tried to get me to continue running errands for him, but I was not only too hurt by his words to take calls; I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stay awake. It was about three months before the diagnosis, and my energy dropped to an all-time low. I could get through a day, but I would curl up and sleep the moment I got home. I thought Dad had placed too much stress for me to bear, and I had to rest for a long time to recover. Months passed, and I didn't recover, but I still blamed the grief and the fight. </p>
    <h2>it's just pneumonia </h2>
-   <p>This entire time, I still had the cough. My husband kept having issues of his own, though, so I would delay any care for myself for his sake. The most extreme was Bell's palsy, which seems an awful lot like a stroke in the moment. Finally, my husband told me to go to the doctor <em>today</em>. Chest x-rays revealed fluid in my lungs, and my doctor called me with urgency in her voice to go to the ER ASAP. Doctors, illness, medicine, (and cancer) is my ultimate phobia, so hearing an emotional doctor like that got my heart pumping. However, when I got to the ER, the doctor massively downplayed the fluid, insisting there was barely any. But he insisted my symptoms didn't line up and ran test after test. God bless him for being thorough because he could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he somehow found the masses on my liver and free-floating in my caking based on a chest x-ray and a hunch. It wasn't long until I was formally diagnosed with colon cancer in November 2023. They said I probably have had it for 2 years. </p>
+   <p>This entire time, I still had the cough. My husband kept having issues of his own, though, so I would delay any care for myself for his sake. The most extreme was Bell's palsy, which seems an awful lot like a stroke in the moment. Finally, my husband told me to go to the doctor <em>today</em>. Chest x-rays revealed fluid in my lungs, and my doctor called me with urgency in her voice to go to the ER ASAP. Doctors, illness, medicine, (and cancer) is my ultimate phobia, so hearing an emotional doctor like that got my heart pumping. However, when I got to the ER, the doctor massively downplayed the fluid, insisting there was barely any. But he was concerned that my symptoms didn't line up and ran test after test. God bless him for being thorough because he could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he somehow found the masses on my liver and free-floating in my caking based on a chest x-ray and a hunch. It wasn't long until I was formally diagnosed with colon cancer in November 2023. They said I probably have had it for 2 years. </p>
    <h2>it's just cancer </h2>
-   <p>My grandmother died from cancer. My mom recently died from cancer. My aunt very recently overcame cancer. It seems like every woman on my mom's side gets cancer, so what hope is there for me? When I was told I have masses, it might as well have been a formal diagnosis. Dad, being the most anxious and overbearing person on earth, has been consistently telling me I will get cancer next and to get tested immediately, so I actually even went to a cancer clinic in January. Ironically, the most they were willing to do was a genetic test and told me to come back for screening when I am middle-aged - when I very likely had cancer right then at the age of 28! Regardless, the paranoia was firmly planted in my head. Every time I had a weird pain in my belly, I got the dull fear it was cancer. It's not like I took the thought that seriously, but it certainly lingered in my mind. It was like this meme that was floating around at the time, but...the painful spots actually were the masses. Again, kinda ironic. </p>
+   <p>My grandmother died from cancer. My mom recently died from cancer. My aunt very recently overcame cancer. It seems like every woman on my mom's side gets cancer, so what hope is there for me? When I was told I have masses, it might as well have been a formal diagnosis. Dad, being the most anxious and overbearing person on earth, called me over and over telling me I will get cancer next and to get tested immediately, so I actually even went to a cancer clinic in January. Ironically, the most they were willing to do was a genetic test and told me to come back for screening when I am middle-aged - when I very likely had cancer right then at the age of 28! Regardless, the paranoia was firmly planted in my head. Every time I had a weird pain in my belly, I got the dull fear it was cancer. It's not like I took the thought that seriously, but it certainly lingered in my mind. It was like this meme that was floating around at the time, but...the painful spots actually were the masses. Again, kinda ironic. </p>
    <img src="/static/img/ent/fuckingdiedisease.jpg" alt="(Meme: I'm Gonna Fucking Die Disease. Symptoms: Tummy hurts a bit too much for a bit too long.)"> <br>
-   <p>So I was primed and suddenly confronted with my capital phobia. I was a wreck, right? Strangely, no. </p>
+   <p>So I was primed for the worst news and suddenly confronted with my capital phobia. I was a wreck, right? Strangely, no. </p>
    <p>My pastor had recently given sermons on how Christians ought to rejoice in tribulations as opportunities for spiritual growth. I had read some James and 1 Peter, too, which only reinforce the glory of tribulation. I honestly scoffed that I could ever be that Christian, especially in the context of cancer. It seemed impossible to praise God and thank Him for the day if <em>that</em> ever happened. But of course I don't want to be out of alignment with Scripture, so I prayed for God to search my heart and change it. And He sure flipped my perspective upside-down. </p>
-   <p>I was calm when they found the masses. The Bible already explains why very obviously. Unlike the prolonged fool's mission of healing all my dad's problems, God has obviously placed me square in the middle of cancer for a reason, and if He puts you somewhere, He provides everything you need. He gives me the strength, He gives me the peace, and He gives me countless reasons to praise Him day-in and day-out. Obviously I cannot go through tribulations on my own. But if they are God-given and intended for spiritual growth, God will be and has been with me every step of the way. When you are with God, there is nothing to fear. Jesus' yoke is easy, and His burden is light. </p>
+   <p>I was calm when they found the masses. The Bible already explains why very obviously. Unlike the prolonged fool's mission of healing all my dad's problems, God has obviously placed me square in the middle of cancer for a reason, and if He puts you somewhere, He provides everything you need. He gives me the strength, He gives me the peace, and He gives me countless reasons to praise Him day-in and day-out. Undoubtedly it's impossible to go through tribulations on my own. But if they are God-given and intended for spiritual growth, God will be and has been with me every step of the way. When you are with God, there is nothing to fear. Jesus' yoke is easy, and His burden is light. </p>
    <p>So maybe these weird symptoms weren't from grief, pulled muscles, stress, or pneumonia, which would all be vastly preferable. But cancer isn't so different, knowing God holds the reins and will never leave my side. I really never thought I could say something like this, but... </p>
    <p>I have cancer - praise God!</p>
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+<!--230519-->
+<h1>track my miracles </h1>
+#personal #health #christian<br>
+<br>
+<p>God is with me. </p>
+
+<h2>God's perfect timing </h2>
+   <p>Since cancer and medical stuff is my specific phobia, I don't want to know all the details of my cancer. I want to understand enough to cooperate with my treatment, but if I knew the stage and all the little details, paranoia and doomscrolling would set in. Frankly, it doesn't really matter to me anyway. It's in God's hands, and He has dissolved massive tumors and He has taken people home during routine procedures. Just as with Job, if even Satan himself is attacking my body, God Himself has set His hand where no threat can pass. If that is my life, praise God, but if that is my soul, I trust His wisdom and will praise Him all my days. If that is not true, Father, please search my heart and change it. </p>
+   <p><em>Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” - Job 2:4-6</em> </p>
+   <p>I'm not entirely naive, though. If I have colon cancer and it has spread to glands on my liver and a few other places in my belly, that is bad. I had plenty of opportunities to catch it earlier, too. When I visited a cancer clinic for voluntary screening after Mom's cancer, they turned me away because I was too young. All the times I felt pretty sick or had a severe cough or had a severe pain in my liver, I could have gone to the doctor instead of minimizing my illness compared to my husband's problems. There was always an excuse, though. A year ago, my mom passed away, so it's just grief! Then three months ago, my dad put me under tremendous stress, so that's why I was so tired and disinterested in any activities! After all this bad timing, I finally caught it three months after I was reaching my lowest point and a year after I started feeling a little down. My husband had reached his limit of seeing me sick and ordered me to the doctor right away, and I was diagnosed within days. </p>
+   <h2>God provides for my husband </h2>
+   <p>I don't regret how this played out. God has obviously been carrying me through this, and He can handle a diagnosis at day 1 or day 1000. What is more important is how He has prepared the way for my husband and me. His vantage point is unfathomably vast, but I can see enough to know that we would have been at a disadvantage if the cancer clinic had diagnosed me back in January. </p>
+   <p>My husband is my protector. When I am in danger, he swoops in and saves me or gives me the way out. He also loves me and cares for me with all of his heart. This is true to the point I wonder if it's harder on him to see me with cancer than to go through it himself. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital, sleeping in his jeans in folding chairs, and he has been by my side ceaselessly since I've come home. This is impossible for someone to do while maintaining a job, yet God has worked it all out. </p>
+   <p>I am a star in his office. I don't work there, and I have no reason to really interact with his coworkers, but I had that bizarre Esther-level favor with them immediately the first time I met them. They were having an informal meeting at a bar. My husband and I don't usually hang out with them, but we decided to since the CEO was in town. They all loved talking to me and were unironically trying to invent a position in the company for me at once. My husband even says they started bringing my "charm" up in meetings. I accompanied my husband to company expos and conferences, and they let me help present their products at their booths. Then when the office Christmas party came, they were more enthusiastic about inviting me than my husband! It's not normal, but that's how favor looked in the book of Esther when God was placing her where she was needed - and my husband needed his coworkers' support. When I got the diagnosis, they showered me with love, with offers to pick up things to bring to the hospital, and with flowers and perfect gifts. Even more, they showered my husband with advice on how to approach our insurance and have given him leave to work from home as much as he needs. They are like a family. But they very well may not have been so supportive if God hadn't been setting this up all year! Praise God's timing. </p>
+   <p>As a longer-term complementary miracle, how amazing a husband I have. He picked me out of a crowd, so thank God he chose me. God gave me a perfect husband to rely on and be loved by.  </p>
+   <h2>God sent helpers for my husband </h2>
+   <p>I did not want to be alone in the hospital for one minute. If a doctor came in, I wanted a second ear. If I needed something, I didn't want to rely on overworked nurses. My husband was ready to sacrifice his energy like that, but it's a totally unreasonable expectation for one person. However, God has been working in the background for years to send us family to support us. Usually, my father-in-law lacks seniority to get Christmas and New Year's off, so we celebrate on another day or without him. Traveling from their state to ours is out of the question. This was the year he finally got them off, and they planned on visiting us during the holidays instead of the other way around. (Of course, they only tell us things last-minute, so we had no idea all year.) So, right as my husband needs them, they have all the time off they want and can sit with me or run errands and give my husband much needed relief. Even though they came expecting to relax for Christmas, they were beyond helpful both when dealing with doctors and managing my neglected housechores - like they were my own parents. I felt a little bad for being so boring, but they got to explore my city on their own and have fun anyway, so it worked out. Praise God. </p>
+   <h2>God provided the right doctors and nurses </h2>
+   <p>I was diagnosed in the hospital and was kind of subjected to whatever doctor or nurse was in and whatever test was ordered. Admission time is an RNG roll, and I feel like I received the best. I came to the ER doctor for fluid in my lungs, when I barely had any in the first place. He could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he diligently followed my unusual symptoms until he found the cancer. Bless him richly. He is a good doctor. I was quickly matched with an oncologist and a surgeon, both would prove later to be just as excellent. Then all my nurses were like friends. I think nurses deal with difficult people (they are hurt and sick, after all), so not only should nurses be encouraging to their patients but patients should be a little bit extra encouraging to their nurses. My nurses were easy to love, and I was able to share a little Scripture and a little prayer. God gave me the boost of peace that glowed in the room. One night-shift nurse commented on how I slept with a glow-in-the-dark smile. Another gave me a small gift for praying for her on a particularly busy day. Everyone commented on how peaceful the room was. I think God was working there, and all I had to do was pray for my daily strength and praise Him. </p>
+   <h2>God answered prayer </h2>
+   <p>After the diagnosis, all my doctors were deliberating the proper treatment. My oncologist was out, so her partner came in with an unoptimistic presentation of treatments. My surgeon was visibly downcast, essentially telling me that my scans resembled someone who is inoperable and even if he could operate, the recovery would take dangerously long. There was no way forward. However, my God is a Way Maker, so I had to go to Him. I prayed with my husband. I called the pastor in to pray. I called my two best friends in to pray. We prayed for a way forward. Then, in the morning, my oncologist came in with confidence, saying we would begin Folfox promptly. I had no side effects, and in fact, all my superficial cancer symptoms disappeared immediately with the first treatment - no fever, no fatigue, no night sweats. My tumor pains even are far less frequent and nowhere near as painful. Even my nocturia decreased a lot after 3 treatments. It's like I get the chemo glow. I blossom with every treatment. Praise God for His grace. </p>
+   <h2>God said no to my prayer </h2>
+   <p>I had blockage in my colon but didn't know it. Every day, I was in immense pain and very swollen, but my mother-in-law and husband would try to force me to eat. They would call my oncologist team, but they would only suggest Miralax and stool softener, saying swelling in the abdomen is normal after chemo. This wasn't normal, though. I sounded like a fish tank with all the liquid and gas trapped in my colon. The most they suggested was an ultrasound to detect if it was water and a way to remove the excess water. Of course I prayed that it was water and that the doctors would give relief right there, but the procedure found nothing of the sort. In retrospect, this was the better outcome. Water can be removed, but it would have come back and had to be removed periodically. Also, it's a cancer symptom, and I want less cancer symptoms, not more! Praise God for saying no and giving something better. </p>
+   <p>My mother-in-law kept calling and tried contacting other oncologists she knew, but my husband decided in a snap to take me to the ER. My surgeon rushed down to meet me, and he said my colon could have ruptured. The surgery he originally said was impossible was now necessary. Honestly, this was a life-or-death situation. He started with a NG tube, but the ER nurses were out of their element with it. They couldn't find a tube small enough for me, so they were setting to sedate me and force it down. My surgeon stepped in and transferred me to the surgery ward where the nurses routinely practice GN tube insertion on each other. My nurses did it perfectly - I got a tube in my size and was instructed every step of the way. I have always had a phobia of tubes being inserted down my throat, but the Lord makes everything easy. Every few hours, I needed some berry-flavored throat numbing spray, but the tube was in and already relieving pressure. Praise God. </p>
+   <p>The surgery itself turned out to not only be possible, but I recovered in superhuman time. It takes time for the colon to function normally again, but it was fine right away. I was back on a normal diet in 3 days when recovery should take weeks. God worked an undeniable miracle, and my surgeon was nothing but smiles after having been so gloomy. Hallelujah. I didn't want the surgery at all, but before, I was on a low-roughage diet that cuts out all the joy (no quinoa, no strawberries...), and now I can eat with freedom. Moreso, He saved my life. God doesn't give me what I want, but He gives me good things. Praise Him. </p>
+   <h2>a thousand little miracles </h2>
+   <p>My pastor told me to write all my miracles down, but I'm tired and will continue later. :) Thanks for reading, and please thank God for all His faithfulness and lovingkindness. </p>
+<br>
+Last updated January 1, 2024. <br>
+<br>

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