diary

src/diary/entries/230519

@@ -5,28 +5,34 @@
 <p>Now, I read a chapter a day, digging deeper than I ever did at anyone else's pace. </p>
 
 <h2>Reading plans were dragging me through the Bible instead of guiding me. </h2>
-    <p>Every church, every Christian group I've been in, they say you should read through the Bible once a year. As someone who deeply enjoys arbitrary structure and prebuilt curriculums (<a href="https://wiki.blessfrey.me/view/Course">I take online classes for fun</a>), I eagerly embraced this idea. I have used several plans, probably most often the <a href="https://static.crossway.org/excerpt/1-esv-study-biblereading-plan.3.pdf">one in the back of my Bible</a>. As worthy as it was, this exercise often discouraged meditation. </p>
-    <p>If the "begats" cropped up before drama or poetry, the temptation to skim was strong. If anything was too rich or obscure, it was easier to proceed to a more direct, actionable text.  It's not that reading plans failed to reveal God's nature, His promises, or my shortcomings. But to some extend, checking off boxes became a primary goal. </p>
-    <p>I'm sure everyone else refreshes that clear vantage point over all of Scripture every year and becomes full of the Word as they do it, but I never made that my intention. Despite concessions I've made over the years, even with reading ahead during easier days, I consistently failed. I drown under confusing Old Testament narratives and a backlog of missed epistles. Consequently I would either start fresh with a new plan or take a break from Bible reading altogether. I never finished the Bible in a year. That behavior is so unhealthy when it's spelled out, but that's how it is when your eyes are on everyone else but God. </p>
+    <p>Every church, every Christian group I've been in, they say you should read through the Bible once a year. As someone who deeply enjoys arbitrary structure and prebuilt curriculums (<a href="https://wiki.blessfrey.me/view/Course">I take online classes for fun</a>), I took this to heart. I have used several plans over the years, usually the <a href="https://static.crossway.org/excerpt/1-esv-study-biblereading-plan.3.pdf">one in the back of my Bible</a>. Honestly, plans tend to distract me from the Bible reading itself. I didn't become a daily reader and meditator until I left the reading plans behind. </p>
+    <p>If the "begats" cropped up before drama or poetry, the temptation to skim was strong. If anything was too rich or obscure, it was easier to proceed to a more direct, actionable text.  It's not that reading plans failed to work in my life. But to some extent, checking off boxes became a primary goal. </p>
+    <p>I'm sure everyone else can do it just fine, but I approached yearly plans with the wrong heart. Even with reading ahead and storing up extra days, I never completed a single plan. I always drown under confusing Old Testament narratives and dense epistles. When it gets hard, it's easy to chase a new plan or take a break altogether. It was unhealthy. External goals and social pressure can't draw you to the Bible like a desperate need for His voice. </p>
 
 <h2>Craving </h2>
-    <p>When my mom's health sharply declined, I grappled with the fear that my parents might not always be around. I cried to God that I may never be old and mature enough to get all the explanations I needed from them. But then, the answer became clear - it doesn't matter. With that realization, the burden of reliving bad childhood memories was lifted. Soon, sermons on not dwelling on the past, forgiveness (Matthew 6:15), and peace (Philippians 4:6-7) followed, and my relationship with God became so personal and timely. I craved Bible reading. I didn't want to follow the rules; I wanted the Bible to answer more questions. I yearned to hear what the Bible had to say. </p>
+    <p>When my mom's health sharply declined, I grappled with the fear that my parents might not always be around. I took a bath and cried to God that I may never be old and mature enough to have all the hard conversations I longed to have with them. In a moment, His voice was so clear - <em>"It doesn't matter."</em> <br>
+    <p>There's no human explanation that could absolve the way they hurt me, so what value would those hard conversations even have? I'm not a childhood abuse victim or a tragic girl. What they did to me then cannot define me today. After reliving the bad memories every day since I left their house, the burden was relieved and I felt so unbearably light. I am a new creation in Christ and nothing more. </p>
+    <p>The burden of reliving bad childhood memories was lifted. Soon, sermons on not dwelling on the past, forgiveness (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A15&version=ESV">Matthew 6:15</a>), and peace (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+4%3A6-7&version=ESV">Philippians 4:6-7</a>) followed, and my relationship with God became so active. I craved Bible reading. I didn't want to follow anyone's rules; I wanted the Bible to answer all my questions. I wanted to know it cover-to-cover. </p>
+
+<h2>I want to read Jeremiah, even if it takes me a year by itself.</h2>
+    <p>This marked the beginning of a new approach to reading the Bible. I chose an important topic – hopelessness, and a book that addressed it – Jeremiah. Despite Jeremiah never resonating with me in the past (why do modern Christians need so many chapters against pouring drink offerings to the Baals?), this choice was impulsive. Even if this one book took an entire year to read by itself, that would be fine by me. </p>
+    <p>I was there to learn from Jeremiah's ministry. He was the weeping prophet, a young man sent to the big city to preach to the high priests, and he was told no one would listen to him before he even began. His situation was hopeless, and I wanted to know more about him. </p>
+    <p>And right away, Jeremiah became strikingly relevant. As much as it spoke to God's closeness and support in hopeless times, it opened a flood of new questions and answers. Jeremiah's big message is for priests (us, according to <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+2%3A9-10&version=ESV">1 Peter 2:9-10</a>) to cultivate a more authentic and exclusive relationship with God and His Word, rather than the world and its idols. No matter how ugly the world is around us (Lamentations depicts a nightmarish Jerusalem), He will draw out a remnant to preserve. </p>
+    <p>The book is rich, and the constant buffeting of Jeremiah drew on my heart-strings. When he spoke against the priests' lack of Bible knowledge and misappropriation of Scripture, it enflamed my desire to read even more. I've definitely met priests who reflect <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah+23%3A30&version=ESV">Jeremiah 23:30</a>: <em>"Therefore, behold, I am against the prophets, declares the Lord, who steal my words from one another."</em> I never want to play telephone with God's Word. I want to read the Bible and speak from the source. </p>
     
 <h2>A Question-based Reading Plan</h2>
-    <p>This marked the beginning of a new approach to reading the Bible. I chose an important topic – hopelessness, and a book that addressed it – Jeremiah. Despite Jeremiah never resonating with me in the past (why do modern Christians need so many chapters against pouring drink offerings to the Baals?), this choice was instinctual, almost like a snap decision. Then I decided that even if this one book took an entire year by itself, that would be fine. I was there to learn from Jeremiah's ministry. And right away, Jeremiah became strikingly relevant, calling for priests (us, according to 1 Peter 2:9-10) to cultivate a more authentic and exclusive relationship with God and His Word, rather than the world and its idols. </p>
-    <p>In this new plan, I select a topic relevant to me and pair it with a book. Even though the Bible will likely address your chosen topic in unexpected ways and broaden your perspective, I think a simple question or topic makes a good starting point. It helps with building enthusiasm and finding personal connection with the text.  So far, the topics I've chosen have been closely tied to life events, convictions from Scripture and prayer, and recurring themes in my day-to-day life. Examples include wisdom, hopelessness, demons, and spiritual gifts. I think a good prayer to help brainstorm is to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any disbelief in you. <p>
-    <p>When it comes to selecting books, I don't have extensive knowledge of each book, so I either trust my intuition or make an obvious choice. Once I finish, I may also continue into other books from the same time period or topic. I read Jeremiah, Obadiah, the apocryphal Baruch, and Lamentations back-to-back, though Lamentations is so bleak, I had to pair it with Song of Songs. Your pair of topic and book doesn't need to make sense to others, so long as it fuels your desire to read.  </p>
-    <p>I then start at chapter 1 and proceed chapter-by-chapter until I complete the book and am ready for my next topic. </p>
-    <p>I quickly found a chapter a day works well for me. It provides ample time to read slowly, pray over verses, and consult related passages, maps, commentaries, and sermons as needed. </p>
+    <p>In this plan, I select a topic or question relevant to me and pair it with a book. Even though God responds in unexpected ways and may give you a different question to ask altogether, a simple question or topic makes a good starting point. There's more enthusiasm and personal connection in seeking answers. My topics have been tied to life events, convictions from Scripture and prayer, and recurring themes in my day-to-day life. There's been wisdom, hopelessness, demons, spiritual gifts, generational blesses and curses, our responsibility in sharing the Gospel, and honoring your parents. I think a good prayer to help brainstorm topics is to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any disbelief in you. <p>
+    <p>When it comes to selecting books, even without extensive knowledge of each book's themes, you can't go wrong when all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, right? I've picked by interest. Once I finish, I may also continue into other books from the same time period or topic. I read Jeremiah, Obadiah, the apocryphal Baruch, and Lamentations back-to-back, though Lamentations is so bleak, I had to pair it with the sweetly loving Song of Songs. There's also a strong argument for beginning in Genesis and reading the Bible start-to-finish and trusting God to speak from anywhere. If your pair of topic and book fuels your desire to read every day, you're in a good place. </p>
+    <p>I start at chapter 1 and proceed chapter-by-chapter until I complete the book. Then I'm ready for a new book and maybe a new topic. </p>
+    <p>I quickly found a chapter a day works well for me. It sets a good pace to read slowly, pray over verses, and consult related passages, maps, commentaries, and sermons. </p>
     <p>I don't enforce this pace, either. The chapter is done when I can summarize its content and its significance. I give each daily chapter a thorough study, and if I glean nothing from it, I try reading it again the next day as a wiser person. </p>
-    <p>If the chapter is particularly rich or my life is too distracting, I might divide it into multiple parts over multiple days. Jeremiah 32, for example, spanned the entirety of my last week with Mom in the hospital. Under any other plan, I surely would have been in speed-reading mode or avoiding reading out of shame, but approaching the Bible as a source of guidance rather than a duty heightened its importance during stressful times. </p>
-    <p>It might be an unconventional approach, but sometimes it takes an external experience or a change of attitude to unlock Scripture, and I've been enjoying associating certain chapters with moments in my life. </p>
-    <p>Lastly, I no longer stockpile Scripture readings in advance. I may only read one chapter out of the current book per day, no matter its length. I don't want to dilute the impact of the book by consuming too much of it at once. A single chapter is sufficient to reflect upon and apply per day. If I need more Scripture, I visit other books, often Proverbs or one of the tiny, less familiar books. </p>
+    <p>If the chapter is particularly rich or my life is too distracting, I might divide it into multiple parts over multiple days. <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah+32&version=ESV">Jeremiah 32</a>, for example, spanned the entirety of my last week with Mom in the hospital. Under any other plan, I surely would have been in speed-reading mode or avoiding reading out of shame, but approaching the Bible as a source of guidance rather than a duty heightened its importance during stressful times. Also, I've been enjoying associating certain chapters with moments in my life. </p>
+    <p>Lastly, I no longer stockpile Scripture readings in advance. I only read one chapter out of the current book per day, no matter its length. I don't want to dilute the impact of each chapter by consuming too many at once. A single chapter is plenty to reflect upon and apply per day, especially if cross-referenced with other passages. If I need more readings, I visit other books, often Proverbs or one of the tiny, less familiar books. </p>
 
 <h2>There is no Flyover Country in the Bible</h2>
-    <p>Slowing down compelled me to appreciate what is present in the Scripture. If all Scripture is breathed out by God for men of God (2 Timothy 3:16-17), then it's all valuable study material. This means there is no 'flyover country' in the Bible; no part of it should be skimmed over just to get to the 'good stuff'. The 'begats', the meticulous descriptions of each minor character's tribe, the geographical details, the recapitulation of reigns, all of it is worth studying, when seen in the context of Scripture as a whole. Before, I barely knew my -ites from my -ines, but these tribes have proven to be rich, meaningful characters themselves, worthy of study! </p>
-    <p>The Bible is alive, all of it matters, and it unfolds in a timing beyond our control. It may not be as fancy as completing the Bible in a year, but there's a humbling beauty in moving through the text so slowly. Let's read quickly for the breadth of Scripture but also not neglect slow, deep reading. </p>
+    <p>Slowing down compelled me to appreciate what is present in the Scripture. If all Scripture is breathed out by God for men of God, then it's all valuable study material. This means there is no 'flyover country' in the Bible; no part of it should be skimmed over just to get to the 'good stuff'. The 'begats', the meticulous descriptions of each minor character's tribe, geographical details, recapitulation of reigns - all of it is worth studying. Before, I barely knew my -ites from my -ines, but I'm starting to see these tribes as characters themselves, worthy of study! </p>
+    <p>The Bible is alive, all of it matters, and it unfolds itself to us in a timing beyond our control. A question-based plan may not be as fancy as completing the Bible in a year, but there's a humbling beauty in moving through the text so slowly. Let's read quickly for the breadth of Scripture but also not neglect slow, deep reading. </p>
     <p>As thanks for reading my blog, may God give you the answers you seek.^^</p>
 <br>
-Last updated May 19, 2023. <br>
+Last updated April 9, 2023. <br>
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src/diary/entries/240101

@@ -5,31 +5,35 @@
 <p>Colon cancer can look a lot like grief or fatigue, so I didn't recognize it for maybe 2 years. Lining up so well with my mom's passing and other stressful events isn't bad timing, though, because God's timing is always perfect. </p>
 
 <h2>It's just grief. </h2>
-   <p>I've had low energy for months, maybe even a year. I haven't had energy for cooking, programming, or even videogames, so I've fallen massively behind in all my hobbies. Basically, I've been really lame. The timing lines up perfectly with my mom's passing in September 2022, so I assumed it was part of grieving and would pass eventually. </p>
+   <p>I've had low energy for months, maybe even a year. I haven't had energy for cooking, programming, or even videogames, so I've fallen massively behind in my hobbies. Basically, I've been really lame. The timing lines up perfectly with my mom's passing in September 2022, so I assumed it was part of grieving and would pass eventually. </p>
    
    <h2>It's just a pulled muscle. </h2>
-   <p>About six months before the diagnosis, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right side. It felt like a dagger in my liver, and I could not lift my arm over my head. I could barely even sit up. Before the pain, I had been nonstop coughing every night for weeks, so constantly I couldn't have conversations. Google suggested it was a torn muscle, which constant coughing can cause, so that's what I went with as an explanation. After two or three weeks, the pain dropped to a manageable level, only hurting some days. It concerned me, but I ultimately let it go. </p>
+   <p>About six months before the diagnosis, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right side. It felt like a dagger in my liver, and I could not lift my arm over my head. I could barely even sit up. Before the pain, I had been nonstop coughing every night for weeks, so constantly I couldn't have conversations. Google suggested it was a torn muscle, which constant coughing can cause. After two or three weeks, the pain dropped to a manageable level, only hurting some days. It concerned me, but I ultimately let it go. </p>
    
    <h2>It's just stress. </h2>
-   <p>My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I took it as a chance to mend. It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and numerous chatty phone calls. </p>
-   <p>It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God" that thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen. </p>
-   <p>This was led by passion, not the Spirit, though, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up. I had told him group counseling is good if it works for him, but he will have a deeper recovery if he combines it with personal Bible reading. He told me God said group counseling is all he needs, especially since it is already held at a church. My passion led him to put words in God's mouth, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. It is a difficult thing for me to hear, but Jesus told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word, after all. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God. </p>
-   <p>Also during this time, he was getting in wrecks or near-wrecks as often as he was getting in a car. Some of them were severe for the other drivers, so I took over as his personal Uber out of concern. He wasn't on drugs or anything, he is just the most anxious person on earth. I didn't help, though. He would scream randomly and backseat drive to the point even I started having near-wrecks. The drama climaxed three months ago (what timing!) when Dad insisted on taking a turn driving us to group therapy, and my husband came out and refused for me to get in the car with him anymore. It turned into an embarrassing yard fight where Dad spewed the most hateful words against Mom I had ever heard and blatantly confessed to all the times he's hurt Mom and me, despite his gaslighting. It was shocking. I thought he had changed, but he had never seemed more hateful to me than in that moment. Maybe he is more gentle and maybe he tries to repair things in his own way, but he is still Dad. </p>
-   <p>This fight was the last time I was able to talk to him. He tried to get me to continue running errands for him, but I was not only too hurt by his words to take calls; I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stay awake. It was about three months before the diagnosis, and my energy dropped to an all-time low. I could get through a day, but I would curl up and sleep the moment I got home. I thought Dad had placed too much stress for me to bear, and I had to rest for a long time to recover. Months passed, and I didn't recover, but I still blamed the grief and the fight. </p>
-   <h2>It's Just Pneumonia </h2>
-   <p>This entire time, I still had the cough. My husband kept having issues of his own, though, so I would delay any care for myself for his sake. The most extreme was Bell's palsy, which seems an awful lot like a stroke in the moment. Finally, my husband told me to go to the doctor <em>today</em>. Chest x-rays revealed fluid in my lungs, and my doctor called me with urgency in her voice to go to the ER ASAP. Doctors, illness, medicine, (and cancer) is my ultimate phobia, so hearing an emotional doctor like that got my heart pumping. However, when I got to the ER, the doctor massively downplayed the fluid, insisting there was barely any. But he was concerned that my symptoms didn't line up and ran test after test. God bless him for being thorough because he could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he somehow found the masses on my liver and free-floating in my caking based on a chest x-ray and a hunch. It wasn't long until I was formally diagnosed with colon cancer in November 2023. They said I probably have had it for 2 years. </p>
+   <p>My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I interpreted it as a chance to mend.</p>
+   <p>I threw myself wholeheartedly into building our relationship, accompanying him to his GriefShare group despite my discomfort with group therapy, arranging father-daughter time, and making regular phone calls. There's never been a space for me in his life, but I tried. I felt like it was a chance to share in his spiritual growth, too, so I encouraged him as gently as I could to read the Bible and pray. He responded vaguely until he finally put words in God's mouth to justify his actions. It struck my heart. I had to quit and examine my own soul after the Lord's name was used in vain. </p>
+   <p>Also during this time, he was getting in wrecks or near-wrecks as often as he was getting in a car. Some of them were severe for the other drivers, too. I'm not kidding when I say I dreaded answering the phone because I knew I was about to have to drop everything and pick him up from another car rental place. It was happening several times a week. He totalled Mom's car pretty fast after her passing. </p>
+   <p>I took over as his personal Uber out of concern. He wasn't on drugs or anything, he is just the most anxious person on earth. I didn't help, though. He would scream randomly and backseat drive to the point even I started having near-wrecks. The drama climaxed three months ago (crazy timing!) when Dad insisted on taking a turn driving me to GriefShare. My husband came out and refused for me to get in the car with him ever again. It turned into a yard fight with all the neighbors watching where Dad spewed the most hateful words against Mom I had ever heard and blatantly confessed to all the times he's abused Mom and me, despite his years of gaslighting. </p>
+   <p>It was shocking. All these years, I sympathetically thought he had some undiagnosed mental handicap of some kind that caused him to be unaware of how he abused us and to forget it even happens. After all, he hit me to the point of injury even as a kid, touched me inappropriately during puberty, and still makes sexual comments to me over the phone. Who can do such things in their right mind? And I thought he had changed with Mom's passing. He is still mean-spirited, ridiculously anxious, and talks way too much about himself, but it is all so much less than before. I really thought he isn't that bad. But he had never seemed more hateful to me than in that moment. Maybe he is trying to repair things in his own way, but he is still Dad. </p>
+   <p>This fight was the last time I was able to talk to him. He tried to get me to continue running errands for him, but I was not only too hurt by his words to take calls; I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stay awake. It was about three months before the diagnosis, and my energy dropped to an all-time low. I could get through a day, but I would curl up and sleep the moment I got home. I thought Dad had placed too much stress for me to bear, and I had to rest for a long time to recover. I didn't. I blamed the grief and the fight. </p>
+   <h2>It's just pneumonia. </h2>
+   <p>This entire time, I still had the cough. My husband kept having issues of his own, though, so I would delay any care for myself for his sake. The most extreme was Bell's palsy, which seems an awful lot like a stroke in the moment. Finally, my husband told me to go to the doctor <em>today</em>. </p>
+   <p>Chest x-rays revealed fluid in my lungs, and my doctor called me with urgency in her voice to go to the ER ASAP. Doctors, illness, medicine, (and cancer) is my ultimate phobia, so hearing an emotional doctor like that got my heart pumping. I'm really ignorant when it comes to medical stuff, so I didn't really know what lung fluid is. But it freaked me out. However, when I got to the ER, the doctor massively downplayed the fluid, insisting there was barely any. But he was concerned that my symptoms didn't line up. He ran test after test. God bless him for being thorough because he could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he somehow found the masses on my liver and caking based on a chest x-ray and a hunch. It wasn't long until I was formally diagnosed with colon cancer in November 2023. They said I probably have had it for 2 years. </p>
    
    <h2>It's just cancer. </h2>
-   <p>My grandmother died from cancer. My mom recently died from cancer. My aunt very recently overcame cancer. It seems like every woman on my mom's side gets cancer, so what hope is there for me? When I was told I have masses, it might as well have been a formal diagnosis. Dad, being the most anxious and overbearing person on earth, called me over and over telling me I will get cancer next and to get tested immediately, so I actually even went to a cancer clinic in January. Ironically, the most they were willing to do was a genetic test and told me to come back for screening when I am middle-aged - when I very likely had cancer right then at the age of 28!</p> 
-   <p>Regardless, the paranoia was firmly planted in my head. Every time I had a weird pain in my belly, the thought of cancer would pass my mind. I didn't take it seriously, though, because cancer is a little extreme. It was like this meme that was floating around at the time, but...the painful spots actually were the same spots as the masses. Again, kinda ironic. </p>
+   <p>My grandmother died from cancer. My mom recently died from cancer. My aunt very recently caught and surgically removed cancer. It seems like every woman on my mom's side gets cancer, so what hope was there for me? </p>
+   <p>Back when Mom passed, Dad, being the most anxious and overbearing person on earth, called me over and over telling me I will get cancer next and to get tested immediately. I actually did go to a cancer clinic in January. Ironically, the most they were willing to do was a genetic test and told me to come back for screening when I am middle-aged - when I very likely had cancer right then at the age of 28!</p> 
+   <p>Regardless, the paranoia was firmly planted in my head. Every time I had a weird pain in my belly, the thought of cancer would pass my mind. I didn't take it seriously, though, because cancer is so extreme. It was like this meme that was floating around at the time, but...the painful spots actually were the same spots as the masses. So ironic! </p>
    <img src="/static/img/ent/fuckingdiedisease.jpg" alt="(Meme: I'm Gonna Fucking Die Disease. Symptoms: Tummy hurts a bit too much for a bit too long.)"> <br>
+   <p>So when I was told I have masses, it might as well have been a formal diagnosis. I definitely had cancer. </p>
    
    <h2>Just cancer?? </h2>
-   <p>So I was primed for the worst news and suddenly confronted with my capital phobia. I was a wreck, right? Strangely, no. </p>
+   <p>I was primed for the worst news and then I was suddenly confronted with my capital phobia. I was a wreck, right? Strangely, no. </p>
    <p>My pastor had recently given sermons on how Christians ought to rejoice in tribulations as opportunities for spiritual growth. I had read some James and 1 Peter, too, which only reinforce the glory of tribulation. I honestly scoffed that I could ever be that Christian, especially in the context of cancer. It seemed impossible to praise God and thank Him for the day if <em>that</em> ever happened. But of course I don't want to be out of alignment with Scripture, so I prayed for God to search my heart and change it. And He sure flipped my perspective upside-down. </p>
-   <p>I was calm when they found the masses. The Bible already explains why very obviously. Unlike the prolonged fool's mission of healing all my dad's problems, God has obviously placed me square in the middle of cancer for a reason, and if He puts you somewhere, He provides everything you need. He gives me the strength, He gives me the peace, and He gives me countless reasons to praise Him day-in and day-out. Undoubtedly it's impossible to go through tribulations on my own. But if they are God-given and intended for spiritual growth, God will be and has been with me every step of the way. When you are with God, there is nothing to fear. Jesus' yoke is easy, and His burden is light. </p>
-   <p>So maybe these weird symptoms weren't from grief, pulled muscles, stress, or pneumonia, which would all be vastly preferable. But cancer isn't so different, knowing God holds the reins and will never leave my side. I really never thought I could say something like this, but... </p>
+   <p>I was calm when they found the masses. The Bible already explains why very obviously. Unlike the fool's mission of building a normal relationship with my dad, God has obviously placed me square in the middle of cancer for a reason. And if He puts you somewhere, He provides everything you need. He gives me the strength, He gives me the peace, and He gives me countless reasons to praise Him day-in and day-out. Undoubtedly it's impossible to go through tribulations on my own. But if they are God-given and intended for spiritual growth, God will be and has been with me every step of the way. When you are with God, there is nothing to fear. Jesus' yoke is easy, and His burden is light. </p>
+   <p>So maybe these weird symptoms weren't from grief, pulled muscles, stress, or pneumonia, which would all be vastly preferable. But cancer isn't so different. God holds the reins and will never leave my side. I really never thought I could say something like this, but... </p>
    <p>I have cancer - praise God!</p>
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-Last updated February 29, 2024 - minor typos. <br>
+Last updated April 9, 2024. <br>
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src/diary/entries/240108

@@ -2,60 +2,86 @@
 <h1>Miracles in the Midst of My Worst Fear </h1>
 #personal #health #christian<br>
 <br>
-<p>God makes it clear. Psalm 27:14 ends with<em>"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."</em> There is nothing to fear. His timing is perfect, so wait on Him. And you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, so sing praises to Him. </p>
+<p>God makes it clear. <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+27%3A14&version=ESV">Psalm 27:14</a> ends with<em>"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."</em> There is nothing to fear. His timing is perfect, so wait on Him. And you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, so sing praises to Him. </p>
 
 <h2>God's timing is perfect. </h2>
-   <p>Since cancer and medical stuff in general is my specific phobia, it's best if I don't know all the details of my cancer. I want to understand enough to cooperate with my treatment, but if I knew the stage and all the little details, all it would do is scare me. My family doesn't have the same phobia, so they ask all those questions, but if I did, paranoia and doomscrolling would set in for sure. </p>
-   <p>Frankly, the severity doesn't really matter to me anyway. It's in God's hands. He has made massive tumors disappear, and He has taken people home during routine procedures. People's bodies are like clay to Him. Just as with Job, if even Satan himself is attacking my body, God has set His hand where no threat can pass. If that is my life, praise God, but if that is my soul, I trust His wisdom, praise God. Any place in my heart where that is not true, Father, please bring it into alignment with Your will. </p>
+   <p>I don't ask what stage my cancer is, but, frankly, the severity doesn't really matter anyway. My health is in God's hands. He has made massive tumors miraculously disappear, and He has taken people home during routine procedures. People's bodies are like clay to Him, and He is in total control of cancer. Just as with Job, if even Satan himself is attacking my body, God has set His hand where no threat can pass. If that is my life, praise God, but if that is my soul, praise God. And if I ever doubt His wisdom, I pray the Father brings it into alignment with His will. </p>
    <p><em>Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” - Job 2:4-6</em> </p>
-   <p>I'm not entirely naive, though. If I have colon cancer and it has spread to glands on my liver and a few other places in my belly, that is pretty bad. I had plenty of opportunities to catch it earlier, too. When I visited a cancer clinic for voluntary screening after Mom died from cancer, they turned me away because I was too young. I missed other opportunities to go to the doctor, too. </p>
-   <p>There was always an excuse, though. A year ago, my mom passed away, so I thought it was just grief! Then three months ago, my dad began getting into wrecks frequently, so I thought it was just stress! Then I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but how can I worry about that when my husband is having stroke-like symptoms! </p>
-   <p>After all this bad timing, I finally caught it three months after reaching my lowest point and a year after I started feeling a little down. My husband had finally reached his limit of seeing me sick and ordered me to the doctor right away. I was diagnosed within days, but I had probably had cancer for 2 years. Was it really a bad time to be diagnosed, though, or was God waiting until He had lined everything up perfectly? </p>
-   <p>My pastor recommended I keep a list of miracles, so here's a few things I've noticed. </p>
+   <p>I'm not entirely naive, though. If I have colon cancer and it has spread to glands on my liver and a few other places in my belly, that is pretty bad. I had plenty of opportunities to catch it earlier, too, chiefly, the time I visited a cancer clinic for voluntary screening after Mom died from cancer and I was turned away due to my age. </p>
+   <p>There was always an excuse, though. A year ago, my mom passed away, so I thought it was just grief! Then three months ago, my dad was getting into wrecks frequently and , so I thought it was just stress! Then I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but how can I worry about that when my husband is having stroke-like symptoms! I go into more details in <a href="/diary/entries/240101">Weird Symptoms - Diagnosing Colorectal Cancer</a>, but my family needed all my attention last year. </p>
+   <p>After all this bad timing, my husband had finally reached his limit of seeing me sick and ordered me to the doctor right away. It took three months after reaching my lowest point and a year after I started feeling a little down, but I was finally diagnosed. Was it really a bad time, though, or was God waiting until He had lined everything up perfectly? </p>
 
-   <h2>God provides the right people. </h2>
+<h2>My victory list. </h2>
+   <p>My pastor recommended I keep a list of miracles, so here's a few things I've noticed: 
+   <ul>
+   	<li>•&#9;My ER doctor found the cancer off of a lung x-ray and a hunch. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My nurses, doctors, oncology team, surgery team, at-home nurses, and at-home physical therapists were lovely. I got my NG tube inserted by specialists instead of ER nurses, and my at-home nurses were trained for colostomy patients, which isn't a guarantee. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My peaceful hospital room. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;All my supportive friends, especially my friend who is always hospitalized at the same time as me (lol) and her mom who can run between floors to support both of us and my pastor who always visits his congregation in the hospital as often as he can to pray with them. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My perfectly supportive husband. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My husband's workplace loves us enough to make all the accomodations he needs to take care of me. He can work from home and was given lots of advice on insurance plans. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My in-laws have never been able to get time off to visit us. The one time they did lined up perfectly with my time in the hospital, even though they picked it in advance. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;I was in the hospital for a cumulative month during November and December, but I got to have Thanksgiving and Christmas at home, and it was with all my in-laws in my house. Never hosted before ever. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;After praying for clarity with everyone during a time when all my doctors were not optimistic they could find a good treatment, my oncologist put me on a treatment that gets a big thumbs up months later from a Vanderbilt specialist of my specific type of KRAS colon cancer. She has access to clinical trials and everything, and she said I was already on the best treatment for me. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;FOLFOX and Bevacizumab have rough side effects, but I haven't had problems with nausea or eating poorly at all so far. They also take away my cancer side effects like a dramatic glow up. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;Oxaliplatin produces progressive side effects that are usually unbearable after 4 or so treatments, causing patients to need a break from chemo. I'm able to live pretty normally without much pain or cold sensitivity at all after 9 treatments. I prayed and was quickly directed to try icing, which works perfectly for me. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;My life-saving colon surgery getting done in time. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;Being able to be operated on after a professional reviewed my case as inoperable. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;Recovering from the colostomy faster on chemo than normal patients are expected to recover. I went from an ice chips diet to meat in three days. Also, I can now be on a normal diet instead of a no-roughage Ritz cracker diet for the rest of my life. </li>
+   	<li>•&#9;The Vanderbilt specialist says I am top of the spectrum for response to treatment. </li>
+   </ul>
+   </p>
+   <p>I don't know the future, but it is safe to say this isn't a time of disaster. It's a time of 
+spiritual growth, miraculous healing, and families coming together. It's not just for me, either, but I've seen it in other families, too, as they care for their sick loved ones. </p>
+   
+   <h2>Miracle Diary </h2>
+   <h3>God provides the right people. </h3>
    <p>I was diagnosed in the hospital and was kind of subjected to whatever doctor or nurse was in. Admission time is an RNG roll, and I feel like I received the best. My general practioner sent me to the ER for fluid in my lungs with urgency. It would turn out that I barely had any in the first place, but her urgency was well-placed. I feel like just any doctor would have sent me home with antibiotics, but the ER doctor on staff that day diligently investigated my mismatched symptoms until he found the cancer. Bless him richly. He is a good doctor. I was quickly matched with the oncologist and the surgeon available, and both would prove later to be just as excellent. </p>
    <p>Then all my nurses were gentle, knowledgeable, and clean. One nurse in particular was like a friend, but several were close to my age and deeply empathetic for my health. They offered a lot of hugs and laughs and supportive words beyond the medicines and tests. </p>
-   <p>I got opportunities to show my nurses love, too, but the Holy Spirit's appearance overshadowed me. God blessed me with a peace that fragranced the room, and the nurses and everyone who visited commented on it. One night-shift nurse said I slept with a glow-in-the-dark smile. It wasn't the classic "be the only Jesus some people see" saying - God's presence was obvious in the room. I did get conventional opportunities to talk about God's love and pray with a lot of people, though, and my pastor was a frequent guest. One nurse was even sweet enough to return my prayer for her with a small gift. Having cancer and being stuck in the hospital for weeks is bad and all, but praise God for how special it was to feel His presence like that. </p>
-    <p>As for my at-home care and physical therapy, there is no guarantee to receive nurses that are trained to deal with my specific disability, but I had a richly knowledgeable nurses who casually dropped insights alongside spiritual encouragements, another nurse who was able to identify and explain all my new medical supply sample packs (I had no idea what half of it was!), and a physical therapist who told me exactly what I needed to hear to balance building my body back up vs. resting as needed and which exercises are gentle on my surgery. Not everyone gets what they need out of the programs, so I am so grateful for them. </p>
-   
-   <h2>God provides for my husband. </h2>
-   <p>I believe God prepares the way for my husband and me. His vantage point is unfathomably vast, but I can see enough to know that we would have had some disadvantage if the cancer clinic had diagnosed me back in January. </p>
-   <p>My husband is my protector. When I am in danger, he swoops in and saves me or gives me the way out. He loves me and cares for me with all of his heart. This is true to the point I wonder if it's harder on him to see me with cancer than to go through it himself. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital, sleeping in his jeans in folding chairs, and he has been by my side ceaselessly since I've come home. This would be impossible for someone to do while maintaining a job, yet God has worked it all out. </p>
-   <p>I became a star in his office somehow. I don't work there, and I have no reason to really interact with his coworkers, but I had that bizarre Esther-like favor with them immediately when I met them. They were having an informal meeting at a bar. My husband and I don't attend the meetups, but we decided to one time when the CEO was in town. They all wanted to talk to me and were unironically trying to invent a position in the company for me at once. My husband even says they started bringing my "charm" up in meetings. Later, I accompanied my husband to company expos and conferences, and they let me into their booths and were even okay with me talking to guests. Then when the office Christmas party came, they were more enthusiastic about inviting me than my husband! It's not normal, but that's how favor looked in the book of Esther when God was placing her where she was needed - and my husband needed his coworkers' support. </p>
-   <p>When I got the diagnosis, they showered me with love, with offers to pick up things to bring to the hospital, and with flowers and really cool gifts. Even more, they showered my husband with advice on how to approach our insurance and have given him leave to work from home as much as he needs. They are like a family, and I am so surprised and grateful for their kindness. But they very well may not have been so supportive if God hadn't been setting this up all year! I think God is watching out for my husband as much as He has been for me. </p>
-   <p>As a longer-term complementary miracle, how amazing a husband I have. He first noticed me in a crowd, so thank God a hundred times that he picked me. God gave me the perfect husband to rely on and be loved by. </p>
-   
-   <h2>God sent helpers for my husband. </h2>
-   <p>I did not want to be alone in the hospital for one minute. If a doctor came in, I wanted a second ear. If I needed something, I didn't want to rely on overworked nurses. My husband was ready to sacrifice his energy like that, but it's a totally unreasonable expectation for one person. Fortunately, God has been working in the background for years to send us family to support us. Doesn't He think of everything? </p> 
-   <p>Usually, my father-in-law lacks seniority to get Christmas and New Year's off, so we celebrate on another day or without him. Traveling from their state to ours is out of the question. This was the year he finally got them off, and they planned on visiting us during the holidays instead of the other way around. (Of course, they only tell us things last-minute, so we had no idea all year.) So, right as my husband needs them, they have all the time off they want and can sit with me or run errands and give my husband much needed relief. </p>
-   <p>They could have avoided traveling for Christmas, but things are stressful at home for them, so they wanted to relax with us. It's tremendously helpful they were directed to us, but I feel a little bad that they landed in the middle of our own drama. I think my in-laws are really like family to me, though, way more than my biological family. They jumped right into caring for us. They were beyond helpful both when dealing with doctors and managing my neglected household chores. They got plenty of time to relax, too, and explore my city. It's crazy how everything lined up with that because any other year, my father-in-law would never be able to visit for even a full weekend. I didn't even know it was possible to see him off work for so long. </p>
-   
-   <h2>God answered prayer. </h2>
-   <p>After the diagnosis, all my doctors were deliberating the proper treatment. My oncologist was out, so her partner came in with a pessimistic presentation of treatments. My surgeon was visibly downcast, essentially telling me that my scans resembled someone who is inoperable and even if he could operate, the recovery would take dangerously long. There was no way forward. </p>
-   <p>However, my God is a Way Maker, so I had to go to Him. I prayed with my husband. I called the pastor in to pray. I called my two best friends in to pray. Prayer was being strategically deployed. We prayed for a way forward. Then my oncologist came in the next morning, saying we would begin Folfox promptly. She was so clear and confident, there was a clear contrast. </p>
+   <p>I got opportunities to show my nurses love, too, but the Holy Spirit's appearance overshadowed me. God blessed us with a peace that fragranced the room, and the nurses and everyone who visited commented on it. One night-shift nurse said I slept with a glow-in-the-dark smile. It wasn't like the classic "be the only Jesus some people see" saying at all - God was obviously present in the room. </p>
+   <p>I did get conventional opportunities to talk about God's love and pray with a lot of people, though, and my pastor was a frequent guest. One nurse was even sweet enough to return my prayer for her with a small gift. Having cancer and being stuck in the hospital for weeks is bad and all, but praise God for how special it was to feel His presence like that. </p>
+    <p>As for my at-home care and physical therapy, there is no guarantee to receive nurses that are trained to care for ostomates, but I had a richly knowledgeable nurses who casually dropped insights alongside spiritual encouragement, another nurse who was able to explain all my new ostomy supply samples (I had no idea what half of it was!), and a physical therapist who told me exactly what I needed to hear to balance building my body back up and resting as needed. He told me which exercises are gentle on my surgery. Not everyone gets what they need out of the programs, so I am so grateful for all the guidance I received. </p>
+   
+   <h3>God provides for my husband. </h3>
+   <p>I believe God prepares the way for my husband and me. His way is unfathomably higher, but I can see enough to know that we would have had some disadvantage if the cancer clinic had diagnosed me back in January. </p>
+   <p>My husband is my protector. When I am in danger, he swoops in and saves me or gives me the way out. He loves me and cares for me with all of his heart. This is true to the point I think it'd be harder on him to see me with cancer than to go through it himself. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital, sleeping in his jeans in folding chairs, and he has been by my side ceaselessly since I've come home. This would be impossible for someone to do while maintaining a job, yet God has worked it all out. </p>
+   <p>I became a star in his office somehow last year or so. I don't work there, and I have no reason to really interact with his coworkers, but I had that bizarre Esther-like favor with them immediately when I met them. They were having an informal meeting at a bar. My husband and I don't attend their meetups, but we decided to go the one time the CEO was in town. They all wanted to talk to me and were unironically trying to invent a position in the company for me. My husband says they even started bringing my "charm" up in meetings. Later, I accompanied my husband to company expos and conferences, and they let me into their booths and were cool with me talking to attendees. Then when the office Christmas party came, they were more enthusiastic about inviting me than my husband! </p>
+   <p>It's not normal, but that's how favor looked in the book of Esther when God was placing her where she was needed - and my husband needed his coworkers' support. </p>
+   <p>When I got the diagnosis, they showered me with love, with offers to pick up things to bring to the hospital, and with flowers and really cool gifts. Even more, they showered my husband with advice on how to approach our insurance and have given him leave to work from home as much as he needs. They are like a family, and I am so surprised and grateful for their kindness. I have no doubt his previous company would not have been so supportive, so I think God has been setting this support system up for a while! I think God is watching out for my husband as much as He has been for me. </p>
+   <p>As a longer-term complementary miracle, how amazing a husband I have. He first noticed me in a crowd, so thank God a hundred times that he picked me. God gave me the perfect, loving husband to rely on. </p>
+   
+   <h3>God sent helpers for my husband. </h3>
+   <p>I did not want to be alone in the hospital for one minute. If a doctor came in, I wanted a second ear. If I needed something, I didn't want to rely on overworked nurses. My husband was ready to sacrifice his energy like that, but it's an unhealthy expectation for one person. Fortunately, God has been working in the background for years to send us family to support us. Doesn't He think of everything? </p> 
+   <p>Usually, my father-in-law lacks seniority to get Christmas and New Year's off, so we celebrate on another day or without him. Traveling from their state to ours is out of the question. If we spend the holiday together, we are always the ones traveling. This was the year he finally got them off and he got both holidays off. They didn't plan to go on vacation, either. They planned on visiting us at our house. (Of course, they only tell us things last-minute, so we had no idea all year.) So, right as my husband needs them, they have all the time off in the world and can sit with me, run errands, and give my husband much needed relief. </p>
+   <p>They probably would have had us over again for Christmas, but things are stressful at home for them, so they wanted to relax with us. It's tremendously helpful they were directed to us, but it's a shame they landed in the middle of our own drama instead. </p>
+   <p>Of course, I don't think they mind. I think they are more like family to me than my biological family. They jumped right into caring for us. They were beyond helpful both when dealing with doctors and managing my neglected household chores. And thankfully, there were enough people in my support group that they got plenty of time to relax, too, and explore my city. </p>
+   <p>It's crazy how everything lined up with that because any other year, my father-in-law would never be able to visit even for a full weekend. I didn't even know it was possible to see him off work for so long. </p>
+   
+   <h3>God answered prayer. </h3>
+   <p>After the diagnosis, all my doctors were deliberating the proper treatment. My oncologist was out, so her partner came in with a pessimistic presentation of treatments. My surgeon was visibly downcast, essentially telling me that my scans resembled someone who is inoperable and, even if he could operate, the recovery would take dangerously long. There was no way forward. </p>
+   <p>However, my God is the Way Maker, so I had to go to Him. I prayed with my husband. I called the pastor in to pray. I called my two best friends in to pray. Prayer was being strategically deployed. We prayed for a way forward. Then my oncologist came in the next morning, saying we would begin FOLFOX promptly. She was so clear and confident, there was a clear contrast. </p>
    <p>When I began treatment, I had no side effects, and in fact, all my superficial cancer symptoms disappeared immediately with the first treatment - no fever, no fatigue, no night sweats. My tumor pains even are far less frequent and nowhere near as painful. Even my nocturia almost disappeared after 3 treatments. It's like I get the chemo glow. I blossom with every treatment. Others suffer much harsher side effects and more nebulous benefits, so thank God for being so gracious with me so far. </p>
    
-   <h2>God denied prayer. (Sometimes I pray for dumb things!) </h2>
+   <h3>God denied prayer. (Sometimes I pray for dumb things!) </h3>
    <p>After going home, I developed a blockage in my colon but didn't realize it. No one knew what to do. Every day, I was in immense pain and became very swollen, but my mother-in-law and husband would continue to try to force me to eat, which increased only pressure. Whenever they would call my oncologist team, they would only suggest Miralax and stool softener, saying swelling in the abdomen is normal after chemo. This wasn't normal, though. I sounded like a fish tank with all the liquid and gas trapped in my colon. </p>
-   <p>The most the oncologists suggested was an ultrasound to detect if it was water and a way to remove any excess water. Of course I prayed that it was water and that the doctors would give instant relief, but the procedure found nothing of the sort. In retrospect, this was the better outcome. Water can be removed, but they said it would come back and have to be removed periodically. The alternative operation is not comfortable, but having to deal with <em>that</em> periodically would be way worse. Also, water around my organs is a cancer symptom, and I want less cancer symptoms, not more! When God says no and gives something better, doesn't He? </p>
+   <p>The most the oncologists suggested was an ultrasound to detect if it was water buildup and a way to remove any excess water. Of course I prayed that it was only water and that the doctors would give instant relief, but the procedure found nothing of the sort. In retrospect, this was the better outcome. Water can be removed, but they said it would come back and have to be removed periodically. The alternative operation is not comfortable, but having to deal with <em>that</em> periodically would be way worse. Also, water around my organs is a cancer symptom, and I want less cancer symptoms, not more! When God says no and gives something better, doesn't He? </p>
    
-   <h2>God saved my life </h2>
+   <h3>God saved my life. </h3>
    <p>My mother-in-law kept calling and tried contacting other oncologists she knew, but my husband decided in a snap to take me to the ER instead. Thank God he did because my surgeon rushed down to meet me and said my colon could rupture at any moment. The surgery he originally said was impossible was now necessary. Honestly, this was a life-or-death situation. </p>
-   <p>He started by ordering an NG tube, but the ER nurses were out of their element with it. They couldn't find a tube small enough for me, so they were setting to sedate me and force it down my nose. When they consulted with my surgeon for a second opinion, he stepped in and transferred me to the surgery ward where the nurses routinely practice NG tube insertion on each other. It was such a smooth process. My nurses found a tube in my size and instructed me every step of the way. I have always had a phobia of tubes being inserted down my throat, but the Lord made it easy. Even if I needed some berry-flavored throat numbing spray every few hours, the NG tube brought the instant relief my husband and I prayed for. Praise God. </p>
+   <p>He started by ordering an NG tube, but the ER nurses were out of their element with it. They couldn't find a tube small enough for me, so they were resigning to sedate me and force one down my nose. When they consulted with my surgeon for a second opinion, he stepped in and transferred me to the surgery ward where the nurses routinely practice NG tube insertion on each other. It was such a smooth process. My nurses found a tube in my size and instructed me every step of the way. I have always had a phobia of tubes being inserted down my throat, but the Lord made it easy. Even if I needed some berry-flavored throat numbing spray every few hours, the NG tube brought the instant relief my husband and I prayed for. Praise God. </p>
    <p>The surgery itself turned out not only to be possible, but I recovered in superhuman time. It takes time for the colon to function normally again, but it was fine right away. I was back on a normal diet in 3 days when recovery should take weeks. God worked an undeniable miracle, and my surgeon was nothing but smiles after having been so gloomy. Hallelujah. I didn't want the surgery at all, but before, I was on a low-roughage diet that cuts out all the joy (no quinoa, no strawberries...), and now I can eat with freedom. More so, it saved my life. God always takes care of me. </p>
    
-   <h2>Clickbait turns out to be a God save</h2>
+   <h3>Clickbait turns out to be a God save. </h3>
    <p>My chemo treatment is FOLFOX, which includes oxaliplatin. It has a really weird side effect that increases cold sensitivity. Being exposed to cold feels like electrocution. The night after first infusion, a few drops spattered from the sink onto my arm, and I felt intense shocking for an hour. It freaked me out, even if I was warned to be careful. </p>
-   <p>The side effect was not so bad after first exposure, but I had to wait for the sink to warm up before coming anywhere near it, drink lukewarm water, cover my face and hands in the cold, and generally flee from cold. Thankfully, the shock goes away immediately if I touch something warm. It's supposedly not as bad as neuropathy, another potential side effect, but I want to avoid nerve damage on any level. </p>
-   <p>Of all the side effects to have from chemo, this, fatigue, food tasting slightly different but not enough to shift my preferences, and hair loss is a pretty light load compared to all the cancer symptoms it has wiped out. I've heard much worse, so thank God for being gentle with me. </p> 
-   <p>However, side effects are progressively worse as more treatments are delivered, and on round 4, the cold sensitivity was on the cusp of unmanageable. Everything was too cold for me, even lukewarm water and room temperature fabric. My hands locked up while trying to use plastic utensils to eat with. I couldn't drink or eat well the first few days. The intensity decreased during the week, but still, if it will get even worse again and again, eek. I asked my husband and small group at church to pray about it. </p>
-   <p>I am a million times more comfortable talking about cancer than I was a month before diagnosis, but it's still a downer topic that comes up a lot. I can share the positives, sure, but more often than not, the other person will begin sharing the time their loved one died from cancer and feel sad. Instead, I usually try to turn all cancer smalltalk into chatter about this cold shock thing. It's not <em>that</em> bad of a malady and is pretty universally interesting as it's so strange and obscure. I suddenly wanted to see if there's a real term for it, if I talk about it so much. "Cold shock thing," "cold sensitivity" is always awkward to say. Well, naturally instead, I clicked on outrageous clickbait! What else do you do while trying to research something serious? </p>
-   <p>Fight Colorectal Cancer has an article titled <a href="https://fightcolorectalcancer.org/blog/chemo-oxaliplatin-cold-sensitivity/">Keeping Cool: Can Ice Keep Side Effects at Bay?</a>. The findings, all from random patient hearsay and a Facebook group, claim the best way to prevent suffering from the cold is to give in completely. During infusion, eat ice chips, wear ice packs, freeze your socks, and the cold will accept you as its own. You can go out and eat ice cream immediately afterward, when the side effect would normally be at its most biting. There were no clinical studies of this at the time of the article, but it's so easy to test. Why not? </p>
-   <p>"Icing" myself during the hour infusion by sucking on ice chips actually worked. I accidently washed my hands with cold water when I came home, and it was like nothing. As a test, I held an ice drink, and there was a little shock after a while, but this was weaker than the first treatment. I'm not suffering from unexpected breezes or cold surfaces or anything. I can live my life rather normally instead of looking like a parka caterpillar. Amazing. God gives you what you need when you need it. Ice may be the best palliative treatment I've had. :) </p>
-   
-   <h2>A Thousand Little Miracles </h2>
+   <p>The side effect was not so bad after first exposure, but I had to wait for the sink to warm up before coming anywhere near it, drink lukewarm water, cover my face and hands, and generally flee from cold. Thankfully, the shock goes away immediately if I touch something warm. It's a form of nerve damage or something, so I really don't want to have anything to do with that side effect. </p>
+   <p>Of all the side effects to have from chemo, a little zing when I get something out of the freezer, fatigue, salt tasting kinda metallic, and hair loss is a pretty light load compared to all the cancer symptoms it has wiped out. Others suffer much worse, so thank God for being gentle with me. </p> 
+   <p>However, side effects are progressively worse as more treatments are delivered, and on round 4, the cold sensitivity was on the cusp of unmanageable. Everything was too cold for me, even lukewarm water and room temperature fabric. My hands locked up while trying to use plastic utensils to eat with. I couldn't drink or eat well the first few days. The intensity decreased during the week, but still, if it will get even worse again and again, eek. I asked my husband and small group at church to pray about it. And God directed me to a solution. </p>
+   <p>So one night, I was thinking about how cancer is such a downer topic that, no matter how positively you frame it, the other person will begin sharing their own loved one's tragic struggle with it and feel sad. Instead, I've found guiding cancer smalltalk to this cold shock thing is a way to keep the conversation light and even pretty interesting or funny. The only problem is I don't know what to call it besides "cold shock thing." So I searched for a more proper term. And, well, naturally I clicked on outrageous clickbait instead! What else do you do while trying to research something serious? </p>
+   <p>Fight Colorectal Cancer has an article titled <a href="https://fightcolorectalcancer.org/blog/chemo-oxaliplatin-cold-sensitivity/">Keeping Cool: Can Ice Keep Side Effects at Bay?</a>. The findings, all from random patient hearsay and a Facebook group, claim the best way to prevent suffering from the cold is to give in completely. During infusion, eat ice chips, wear ice packs, freeze your socks, and the cold will accept you as its own. You can go out and eat ice cream immediately afterward, when the side effect would normally be at its most biting. There were no clinical studies of this at the time of the article, but it's a cheap thing to try out. And honestly I was a little desperate for relief. </p>
+   <p>"Icing" myself during the hour infusion by sucking on ice chips actually worked. I accidently washed my hands with cold water when I came home, and it was like nothing. As a test, I held an ice drink, and there was a little zing after a while, but this was weaker than the first treatment. I'm not suffering from unexpected breezes or cold surfaces or anything. I can live my life rather normally instead of looking like a parka caterpillar. Amazing. Ice may be the best palliative treatment I've ever had. As always, God gives you what you need when you need it. :) </p>
+   
+   <h2>A Thousand Little Miracles. </h2>
    <p>I'll update as I go. :) Thanks for reading, and please thank God for all His faithfulness and lovingkindness. </p>
 <br>
-Last updated February 29, 2024 - always adding more as I think of them <br>
+Last updated April 9, 2024 - always adding more as I think of them <br>
 <br>

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+<h1>Bible Book Tag </h1>
+#christian #personal #tag<br>
+<br>
+	<p>I love old school YouTube, especially late 00s-early 10s era! Tag videos take me back the most. Tag memes (when memes were shareable templates moreso than standalone expressive images) were all over DeviantART, too. Instead of everyone generally following the same headlines with more or less similar initial reactions, tags gave room for people to share their own stories. </p>
+	<p>I found a Bible-themed tag, which is pretty cool, answered by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q32JW2T_zo">tinawonderfullymade</a>. I'm not familiar with her, but I liked her honesty about her spotty Bible knowledge and her fresh enthusiasm for learning since a year ago. I feel like I'm in the same place as her. After filling out so many memes on DeviantART in middleschool, I want to give this tag a try! </p>
+
+<h2>1. What is your favorite book of the Bible? </h2>
+	<p>I think my favorite has been static since high school: Song of Solomon. It's swooningly romantic, full of bizarre descriptions (her teeth are like shorn ewes?), and unexpectedly relevant to other books and life in general. Also, I think a lot of people around me are afraid to read it or discuss it, so it's fun to bring in to doctrinal discussions. </p>
+	<p>Solomon himself lived a larger-than-life tragedy, becoming the wisest man with the most peaceful reign and the builder of the most extravagant temple but also the victim of the seductive foreign gods of his myriad wives. I love this song. It's a shame it's his only surviving one, when he supposedly wrote hundreds or thousands or whatever, but this is a true treasure. </p>
+	<p>I first read it in 8th grade after a Bible teacher said not to read it. I'm usually a rule-follower, but I had recently been shamed my literature teacher for reading Catcher in the Rye, as if I only did so to see the cuss words. (As if that isn't the most shallow thing to object to in that book.) Now my Bible teacher was treating our class like we would only read the <i>Bible</i> to leer at the sexual words! (As if nearly every other book of the Bible shouldn't be banned, too, by that criteria.) </p>
+	<p> So I finished my first reading of it before the school day was over. </p>
+	<p>Wow. It's ridiculous how taboo people treat such a rich story full of God's sweeping love for Israel and, someday, her little sister. It preciously describes the Shulammite's figure and sets up sensual scenes, sure, but it's poetic rather than gross and serves to paint an image of a Lord the congregation will someday call "husband" rather than "lord." </p>
+	<p>And the classic must absolutely be quoted. Song of Solomon 8:6-7 - <i>Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealous is fierce as the grace. Its flashes are the flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.</i></p>
+
+<h2>2. What is your favorite Bible story? </h2>
+	<p>It's very difficult to choose, and I definitely relate to different stories over time! When I was very, very little, definitely the calling of Samuel for how directly God spoke to a child. When I was a little older, I gravitated towards the sisters Mary and Martha, who each approached the Lord differently. Then in middleschool and high school, I found escape in the various tellings of the new heavens and new earth. </p>
+	<p>For the past three years, though, I've had a desperate urge to understand the Bible for myself, and it's like a whole new book to me. The inciting point coincides with my mom telling me she very likely had cancer, which was the first moment I needed God to be real and to know what the Bible says. To begin, I turned to Jeremiah first, someone I knew nothing about besides his weeping and getting thrown in a cistern. Immediately, his lost childhood spoke to me, as did the Lord's precious protection and uncompromising directive in the midst of hopelessness. </p>
+	<p>Jeremiah's ministry is so much more expansive, though. He touches on God's grace offered to Israel, should she acknowledge her iniquity (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+3%3A12-15&version=ESV">3:12-15</a>). He touches on stony hearts (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+19%3A1-15&version=ESV">19:1-15</a>). He touches on phony priests, falsely speaking in the name of the Lord and following the idolatrous and murderous contemporary culture of the Baals (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+23%3A9-40&version=ESV">23:9-40</a>). He also touches on the new covenant (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+31%3A1-40&version=ESV">31:1-40</a>) and coming of a Messiah (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+3%3A11-18&version=ESV">3:11-18</a>; <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+23%3A5&version=ESV">23:5</a>; etc). Sin, obstinance, grace, and redemption flow throughout the book. </p>
+	<p>At the same time, it's so personal and vulnerable. God's first vision for little Jeremiah is apparently an almond pun (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+1%3A11-12&version=ESV">1:11-12</a>), and He addresses his feelings of inadequacy by physically placing His words in his mouth and building him up as a fortified city (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+1&version=ESV">rest of 1</a>). He's from Anathoth, yet called to preach to the capital's priests and rulers who disregard him and even plot to kill him. He candidly cries out to the Lord about the hopelessness of his situation, yet he experiences an unbearable burning in his bones when he desires to quit (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+20&version=ESV">20, especially 20:9</a>). But despite it all, Jeremiah loves Jerusalem with the Lord's love. He is called the weeping prophet because he weeps for how his people have forsaken their Lord and must be refined (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jer+8%3A18-9%3A26&version=ESV">8:18-9:26</a>). </p>
+	<p>As the Lord said, Jeremiah faced persecution and eventually was cast into a cistern and jailed. His only friend was Baruch, a guy with his own complaints and hopeless projection due to his association with Jeremiah (yet given a name meaning "blessed"). And despite preaching that only death would be found in Egypt, he was forcibly taken there anyway. Tradition holds he was stoned to death shortly afterward. Lamentations illustrates how depraved Jeremiah's society was after Babylonian invasion. My heart was wrenched over this guy. </p>
+	<p>As a bonus, whenever I was having my final conversations with Mom in the hospital, we realized we were both reading Jeremiah and Lamentations at the same time. Bless the Lord that He is surely giving Jeremiah his crown in Heaven, and bless the Lord for giving a new home to Mom. </p>
+
+<h2>3. Who is your favorite person in the Bible? </h2>
+	<p>I don't know, it might be King Saul, honestly. 1 Samuel sets him up as such a sympathetic figure, whisked away to an annointing while searching for goats, repeatedly made to prophesy against his will, obsessively allowed his borders to deteriorate while chasing his son-in-law through the wilderness over petty matters, and sought solace from necromancers he himself had banned. He spoke blessings in God's name, yet couldn't wait on the Lord. He had direct access to the first prophet in years, and he didn't even try using Urim and Thummim besides as a half-hearted final gesture. </p>
+	<p>It's a ridiculous tragedy. But his son Jonathan showed unwavering love and respect for his father through it, despite his soul-knit loyalty to his father's enemy, David. And David wrote a genuine lament for him, despite wasting his prime years fleeing from him. The people of Jabesh-gilead were also indebtedly loyal to him to the end, regardless of public opinion or the state of the latter years of his reign. </p>
+	<p>This was a stony man. Honestly, he reminds me of my dad. </p>
+	<p>It's impossible to know people's hearts, and it is enormously true that even "bad" religious leaders and teachers' preaching of the gospel is to be rejoiced over (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+1%3A15-18&version=ESV">Philippians 1:15-18</a>). You may be able to judge someone's fruit, but C. S. Lewis points out that we all have different starting points and rates of progress when it comes to sanctification. Still, though, I just look at stony people and don't get why they struggle with waiting on the Lord, discerning His will, and being authentic in general. Their lives are obviously filled with frustration and confusion, when being vulnerable before God and turning to the Word is ever-available as a relief. They just have to, you know, stop being so stony. </p>
+	<p>I really root for Saul when reading the Bible. Why would he allow himself to care so much about what others think (Saul's thousands and David's ten thousands♪) and be so hateful to the point of self-destruction? It's so sad. He was surrounded by heroes like Samuel and David, too. His own son had incredible faith, and he himself prophesied the words of God time and time again. If anyone is without excuse, it's Saul. What a shame. </p>
+	<p>Can someone that hypocritical and lacking in self-awareness ever be vulnerable even in his own introspection? Why even do the church stuff anyway if nothing about it sinks in deep? Does the Lord really harden hearts after a certain point? How do life-shaking events not make you sprint to the Lord for answers? How does anyone at all turn to the Lord, when submitting to the Lord is so alien and we all are so deeply entrenched in idolatry ourselves? Why would the Holy Spirit draw David but not Saul, and why would God gift David with faith but not Saul? I just don't know. </p>
+	<p>I don't understand Saul at all, yet I want so badly to have seen redemption for him by the end of his story. It never came. </p>
+
+<h2>4. What is your favorite Bible verse? </h2>
+	<p>When I was a kid, I found <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+15%3A1&version=ESV">Proverbs 15:1</a> to be my lifeline. When you are in a physically abusive household, everyone in the world will tell you to fight back, defend yourself, and all kinds of other worldly wisdom. They'll tell you <em>"turn the other cheek"</em> (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+5%3A38-39&version=ESV">Matthew 5:38-39</a>) doesn't apply to physical abuse, too. Responding in kind only ever made it worse, though. The Bible says, <em>"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger,"</em> and it's the only truth I found. Responding gently and turning the other cheek vacuums all the energy out of the situation and ends fights pretty fast. I'll always love this verse. </p>
+	<p>Now I think I consider the thanksgiving and peace verse most frequently: <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phil+4%3A4-7&version=ESV">Philippians 4:4-7</a>, <em>"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."</em> </p>
+	<p>Despite everything, you must enter His courts with thanksgiving. Grumbling is one of the least attractive things to the Lord, but it's also obnoxious to everyone around you. Choosing thanksgiving is such a mental health cleanse. I'm always doing better when I'm constantly in prayer, too. Everything in this verse is really great advice for busting stress and bad days. Then on top of it, it promises sublime peace, which I can confirm as being a free gift to those who live by these words. Nothing in the world can comfort like this verse. </p>
+
+<h2>5. What is your favorite translation and Bible to read that you own? </h2>
+	<p>I don't have strong opinions towards any translation, really. I love the ESV study Bible my mom bought for me best, but I also have a 1611 KJV and an NASB phone app. When I memorize or quote, I reference the ESV. </p>
+
+<h2>6. What is your favorite hymn, chorus, song, singer, and band? </h2>
+	<p>My church's worship team, for real. Their voices are beautiful, and our worship pastor's view of joining with the 24/7 angelic choir of Heaven and worship as a weapon against the Enemy is so vivid. I love worship time at church. </p>
+	<p>I really love <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgp03obJBQA">"Peace"</a> from Lionel Peterson's Rejoice Africa album. I sang it in the hospital a lot. I also like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1228OGiK1dM">"I Speak Jesus"</a> because I sang that one a lot in the hospital when Mom was sick. </p>
+	<p>Otherwise, I don't know, I like a lot of hymns and 00s Hillsong because that's what we got growing up. <p>
+	<p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M98sTXVvftY">'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus,"</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe_qmo3gX4">"It is Well With My Soul,"</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIvgOuj-AA0">"What Can Wash Away My Sins?,"</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKAMsC2jrL4">"There is a Fountain,"</a>...so hard to choose one. Also I really, really like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpc4j2rzOec">Silent Night</a> during Christmas. </p>
+	<p>Also for more modern songs, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Outmn8FohZA">"Revelation Song,"</a> <a href="Blessed Be Your Name">"Blessed Be Your Name,"</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CKCThJB5w0">"Here I Am To Worship,"</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-Zp586pvZg">"The Heart of Worship,"</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoHrBNTfzIs">"Gratitude"</a>.
+
+<h2>7. What is your favorite Christian movie? </h2>
+	<p>I am not much of a movie person at all. I've watched some Christian movies in church and Bible class, but idk. I would love to watch Ben-Hur again. For more modern movies, Jesus Revolution and Journey to Bethlehem were pretty cool. I suppose the Larry-Boy movies deserve an honorable mention, too, but it's been a while. </p>
+
+<h2>8. Who is your favorite speaker/preacher? </h2>
+	<p>My own pastor! He loves the Lord, reads his Bible, and his sermons are always relevant to my life. He strikes a great balance of encouragement, conviction, popular topics, and biblical topics I've never heard preached elsewhere. It's a smaller church, too, like 100 regulars, so he knows what's going on and who to have the congregation pray over. He's a real shepherd. </p>
+	<p>I also frequently listen to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@mbc.chicago/playlists">Pastor Daniel Batarseh's Bible studies</a>. Maybe sometimes he gets political or too abstract with his connections, but his studies are extremely thorough character studies. He also knows the Law well and really brings it and the nuances of Jewish culture to life for me. </p>
+	<p>Really, I like a lot of pastors. </p>
+	<p>I grew up watching B.H. Clendennen on TV, and I frequently reflect on his sermons on fasting and the worship of self to this day. </p>
+	<p>I like David Wilkerson, too, for his novel The Cross and the Switchblade and his sermons about having a personal relationship with the Lord. (Why did I only listen to Pentecostal pastors as a kid? I was taught not to even raise my hands in church by my Southern Baptist parents lol.)</p> 
+	<p>I have a book of Charles Spurgeon sermons, and his style of expository preaching mixed with stories and poetry is very relateable and beautiful to me, despite being from the 1800s. I reflect on his <a href="https://www.spurgeon.org/resource-library/sermons/the-ravens-cry/#flipbook/">The Raven's Cry</a> sermon often. </p>
+	<p>There's also <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@CalvaryChapelOntario/videos">Paul LeBoutillier of Calvary Chapel Ontario</a> (yes, that's a Jesus Revolution plant! I had no idea until I watched Jesus Revolution.) has deep knowledge of Jewish culture and writings, so he can give more background on Old Testament texts. </p>
+	<p>I've really enjoyed following <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@sermonindex">SermonIndex.net</a> on YouTube, too. There's a mix of preachers and traditions, there, but they have their finger on the pulse on what I need to hear and what's going on in the world. It's a nice channel. </p>
+	
+<h2>9. Who is your favorite Christian fiction & nonfiction author? </h2>
+	<p>I like Matthew Henry. His Commentary took up the whole bottom shelf at the church library I served at from 5th-12th grade, and it endlessly fascinated me. He kind of has a bit of a mythic quality as a preacher, too, since so much is said about him, but he's too ancient for really confirming or denying random rumors. His insights and cross-references are genuinely pretty helpful for guiding a self-study, too. His quote "I can suck marrow out of a bone" goes pretty hard against people who complain about their pastor or Bible teachers. </p>
+	<p>As for fiction, I kinda hate to say C.S. Lewis because I read and enjoyed so little of Narnia, but he's a nerdy guy. He was deeply into mythology, particularly Vedic and Norse and English systems, but I'm not so sure his Narnia and Space Trilogy series have the same quality as his inspirations. In his letters to Arthur "Gawain" Greeves, he touched on all kinds of things like the ancient belief planets made different sounds as they slide across the sky, like fingers on the strands of stringed instruments. </p>
+
+<h2>10. What is your favorite Christian fiction & non-fiction book? </h2>
+	<p>Cloud of Unknowing by an anonymous 14th century monk is probably the coolest Christian book I've read so far. It's about Christian mysticism and prayer, and it provides a tiny peek into what monastery life was like back then. I think my real favorites would be pretty generic, though: The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis. Imitation of Christ has been a read-on-repeat devotional since graduating high school. I'm currently reading Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan, too. </p>
+
+<h2>11. Who is your Faith based inspiration? </h2>
+	<p>The leader of my Woman of the Bible life group at church. She's a perfect lady, and her flair for reading the Bible out loud as a drama, combing through each perspective in the Bible meticulously to understand them as real people, and praying on her knees with respect for proper prayer posture has brought the Bible to life like no one else has. I also just really love her. She's a super mom and such a strong person. I want to pray like her and read my Bible like her. </p>
+	<p>She actually had a deep influence on the philosophy behind my <a href="https://wiki.blessfrey.me/view/Blessfrey">study wiki</a>, particularly the Bible entries, too. She's better at the drama and character study aspect than me, but I like tracking all the random details and seeing how they become relevant and change over time. </p>
+
+<h2>12. Tag someone! </h2>
+	<p>Anyone who actually reads my blog. Thanks for reading as always^^ </p>
+<br>

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+<h1>Vanderbilt </h1>
+#health<br>
+<br>
+	<p>Just a quick update about treatment changes, traveling to a research center, and how my health is. I'm doing okay. :) </p>
+
+<h2>Bevacizumab - not so scary after all! </h2>
+	<p>My oncologist added a new medication to my treatment, and once again, God has been very gracious with side effects. I was always meant to be on Bevacizumab with FOLFOX chemotherapy. I was fresh out of intestinal surgery when I started treatment, though, and Bevacizumab can cause gastrointestinal perforations. My oncology and surgery teams agree I've recovered enough to relieve their concern. </p>
+	<p>Apparently Bevacizumab prevents new blood vessels from supporting tumors, which sounds effective, but it also sounds pretty hard-core! And I guess it is. The side effect booklet that came with it has all the "1 in 2 people will experience X and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 2 people will experience Y and need immediate emergency care," "1 in 3 people..." I'm very ignorant about medicine and it's a very big phobia for me, but is it really that serious? Regardless, I do have to watch out for signs of perforation. </p>
+	<p>FOLFOX was introduced in a similar fashion, with infinite serious side effects, but I'm pretty comfortable on it. New medications could mess with that. Anything to fight the tumors, though, right? </p>
+	<p>But thankfully, I slept two days after my first and second infusion, and other than that, never really experienced any side effects. Things could always change, but I am so thankful to God to once again take my medication well. Even more, four days after my first infusion, my tumors stopped hurting. They have hurt consistently for like 10 months. I privately wondered if I would be in pain forever, so this is a very big deal to me. After four weeks without pain, I'm starting to think I like Bevacizumab as much as I like FOLFOX. :) </p>
+
+<h2>Traveling out of state </h2>	
+	<p>My oncologist works closely with a Vanderbilt specialist researching my specific type of colon cancer, so she referred me to meet her in person. My in-laws are very interested in all the clinical trials, so my mother-in-law came, too. </p>
+	<p>Honestly, like I said, my treatment is already effective, so messing with my plan is a little scary for me. Especially after I was pressured out of concern into taking a turkey tail supplement (a herbal cancer cure) that dropped my blood pressure from perfect to concerningly low. But at the same time, I'll follow treatment changes from my oncologist. </p>
+	<p>I had no idea what to expect when I got there, but the atmosphere was very comforting. Before I even met a nurse, there was an abundance of resources available everywhere for education, financial aid, support groups, and artistic outlets. Everyone I met was so sweet and knowledgeable, too. </p>
+	<p>My specialist is everything you could expect, though. She is involved in all the studies and knows everything about all the medicines and mutations and changing health climate. Meeting such a seasoned doctor relieved some of the concern of my out-of-state family, too. </p>
+	<p>What's really amazing to me, though, is that she confirmed that my current treatment is best for me right now. She considers me to be top of the spectrum for response to treatment, particularly enthusing over my CEA levels dropping from 166 to 20.5 after 8 treatments and the comparison of my CT scans. </p>
+	<p>She also remarked that my tolerance to oxalplatin is unusual. I think she said round 4 is around when patients need a break from chemotherapy, usually dropping to just the leucovorin and fluorouracil, because the progressive cold sensitivity becomes debilitating. I also experienced this, where even lukewarm water was like swallowing needles and my hands locked up when touching anything at all. Sucking on ice during infusion cured it in a snap, though. I didn't even ice early enough this time, and I still can drink ice water with only a little zing. Results tend to plateau, too, but my levels are still improving. My mother-in-law even calculated they are actually improving at a more rapid rate since before starting Bevacizumab, but I haven't tried checking the math with my chemo brain. </p>
+	<p>Isn't that amazing? Early on, when my oncology and surgery teams admitted options were less than optimistic and they weren't sure how to procede, I called in some friends to pray for the right treatment early. Then, back before all the initial test results returned, God provided a treatment that a cutting-edge researcher approved after seeing all the charts. God gives wisdom when you ask, just like what the Bible says! </p>
+	<p>Of course, it's good that she knows me personally now and is keeping me in mind during her research, should better things arise later! I even participated in a little research while I was there, since it only requires some bloodwork and questionnaires. </p>
+	
+<h2>Feeling good, feeling good </h2>
+	<p>If you've been wondering how I've been, I've been on more effective medicine, taking it well, and finally found some relief from the constant pain! I'll praise God in the good and the bad, but isn't it nice to see good numbers for once? Especially when the loving people around me are desperate for reassurance. It's so much easier to share my specialist's praise of my CEA levels than it was to share my life-saving gastrointestinal surgery, even if both are amazing demonstations of God's hand over me. </p>
+	<p>I wish people would accept both good and bad news as part of the process. Personally, I feel very little control over my life, like I could be totally healed or in critical condition at any time. I really don't want to consider the possibilities, good or bad. Tomorrow has its own worries, right? So managing the here and now is all I care to be responsible for. </p>
+	<p>My support group is very focused on the future, though. They are watching for a miracle. I like to be able to share good news, but God's hand is clearly on me. Like in Satan's control over Job, God has established a line that cancer cannot cross. He has surely placed it at my soul, so I am eternally safe. But if it at my life, then no matter what rollercoaster takes place, no matter how long this goes on for, He will restore my health on this side of Heaven. </p>
+	<p>I don't know His plans, but I know they are good and have already brought a lot of spiritual growth and opportunities to restore things with my family. I've already been through a slew of my worst fears and life-or-death situations, and the Holy Spirit breathed peace over all of it. What worth is there worrying anymore? </p>
+	<p>I mean, I want a lot of years with my loved ones and to be able to enjoy all the lovely things on earth, but honestly, God will take care of everything better than I could. And no one will remember anything from this side once we all get there anyway. But more than that, David believed so firmly in God's character of restoring multi-fold in this life after tragedy that I think I'll see God's goodness soon, too. No matter what His plans are, though, I'll trust Him. He's a good God. </p>
+<br>

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+<h1>Church Hurt: Is Your Speck Someone Else's Log? </h1>
+#christian<br>
+<br>
+	<p>I read my Bible and prayed and all, but I never felt comfortable at church in my teens. I grew up immersed in the church since I was a baby, so I passively accepted everything that happened there as a normal part of church, good or bad. Was my church's culture based on the Bible, though? </p>
+	<p>Reader Advisory - I'll keep it PG-13, but I'll cover how sex was discussed at my childhood church. </p>
+
+<h2>Sex</h2>
+	<p>It's too private a subject for me, but it sure wasn't for anyone else in youth group! </p>
+	<p>To my church's credit, their children's curriculum seems better than some of my friends' in its willingness to cover <i>all</i> the Bible stories, including Tamar and Amnon, Elijah versus Jezebel's 450 prophets of the false god Baal and the 400 prophets of the false goddess Asherah, and other high intensity stories. </p>
+	<p>However, whenever I aged out of that curriculum, I aged into a curriculum that turned me away from attending. It felt like every week, we discussed sexual purity. I'm sure we covered other things at some point, but I don't remember!</p>
+	<p>Honestly, even in high school, I had crushes but wasn't ready to date or do <i>that</i> with boys yet. I definitely struggled with other sins so much more, yet they never came up - temptations like gossip, disrespecting my parents, piracy, academic dishonesty, and other super common stuff. I only got to attend one Bible conference with my church, and of course it ended up being sexual purity talk for a full weekend! </p>
+	<p>From our lessons, you'd think sex is the only thing at the forefront of teens' minds at all times. It was isolating being constantly told that a normal person always has sex on their mind and every little thing a normal girl does is exclusively to be attract boys. </p>
+	<p>So what? I'm not normal? Am I a freak? And to be "normal," I have to be creepily obsessed with boys to be normal? </p>
+	<p>Then randomly I found the term 'asexual' online around 2010 (age 15). It was comforting to know such a label existed, and that I wasn't alone. </p>
+	<p>But that label also destroyed basically any point to being at Sunday School at all anymore. I related much more to asexuals than the sex obsessed Sunday School discussion, and I was sure I never would want to be like them! So why did I have to listen to all that anti-sex talk? It was a waste of time. </p>
+	<p>So I quit. </p>
+	<p>I started volunteering in the church library instead during that time. Cleaning, reshelving, and reading to the little kids gave me a much greater sense of belonging and purpose. I got to spend a lot of time with the books, too, so I read tons of Christian classics and illustrated Bible stories. So much better! </p>
+
+<h2>Oversexualized environments were normal for me anyway </h2>	
+	<p>As a high schooler, I wasn't experienced enough yet to really tell the difference between annoying and alarming. I grew up in this church but I also grew up privately reading my Bible and praying. I have been immersed in both church culture and the Word my whole life. I never really separated the two in my head until around high school. Classmates would come in every other week with "I'm not of any denomination because Jesus is a relationship, not a religion" or "being Christian is the true way to rebel in society" or "I have to walk the walk in order to be the only Jesus other people may ever see," but it was all clearly church memes rather than a direct teaching of Paul or whatever. Even if I was starting to define my own beliefs, I still lacked the life experience to discern whether my Youth Group was appropriate or grounded in the Bible. </p>
+	<p>That is probably okay for people who have parents who look out for you, but I never had that umbrella. In fact, my parents were very pushy about me starting sex as early as possible, so I was pushed into a lot of intensely uncomfortable situations as a kid. (Don't worry, I stayed a virgin.) That was what was normal for me, though, so I didn't think twice about whenever adults told me how kinky I would be when I grow up. (Cringe...) </p>
+	
+<h2>Going back to Youth Group with all the knowledge I have now</h2>
+	<p>I'm plenty experienced now, though! When I see this again, I'm ready. And the Youtube algorithm put it right in my face. </p>
+	<p>The Youtube rabbit hole drudged up <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDpOVzMNA7Y">a video about Christian influencers who succumbed to greed</a>. The only Christian "influencer" I watched was <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhYuA0Cz8ls">Blimey Cow's Messy Mondays</a> back in the day, so I was curious what the genre's like now. (To be clear, I've done zero fact-checking on Cruel World Happy Mind's presentation nor know anything about her or Girl Defined. I'm only discussing the narrative of the video, so give benefit of the doubt to both parties.)
+	<p>The video started out pretty disappointing, apparently about a family perpetuating a conservative cult of some kind rather than the Southern Baptist culture I grew up with. CWHM even suggested there could be some link to Nazism's aversion to race mixing in their philosophy. As the video went on, though, it became concerningly nostalgic! </p>
+	<p>In the clips, the Girl Defined sisters only shared a Bible verse here or there about sexual purity or submitting to parents' authority then would lecture to their teen audience about avoiding sex, dressing modestly, and the glamour of marriage. They even ran a church conference similar to the one I attended, all about sexual purity. It's like a window into my past. </p>
+	<p>And it weirded me out! Sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality are listed as works of the flesh in Galatians 5, sure, but there's 12 other sins to preach against and things like them. To obsess over that topic when talking to teen girls is strange to say the least. I can't believe no one's parents objected to the topic, either to its exclusivity or the potentially creepy intentions behind it. If I was a parent, I think I would at least check the Sunday School teacher's vibe. </p>
+	<p>Worse, unlike Girl Defined, sex was presented in my Sunday School as universally wrong and shameful. This was drilled into my head so firmly that the mere concept of a married couple buying a condom (because of chemo or whatever) seemed equally as shameful as going into a brothel. CWHM claims this kind of education can produce effects similar to PTSD, and though I'd hate to belittle such a serious condition, I definitely had severe scars that lasted into my late 20s. </p>
+	<p>CWHM later mentions Bill Gothard and shows clips of the Girl Defined sisters recalling growing up with his conferences. She also points out the accusations of sexual misconduct against him. ChatGPT 3.5 agrees with CWHM's presentation of him as a major figure of fundamental Christianity pushing ideas like sexual purity for young girls, submission to parents, and homeschool. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz1PJ7T32LI">Wrecked's video on him</a> further presents him as sharing very little of the Word during his sermons. (Once again, I really don't know anything about Bill Gothard or these Youtubers, so let's give the real people the benefit of the doubt. But as a narrative, this was extremely eye-opening!) </p>
+	<p>Bill Gothard's tenets are interesting! They are all things people at churches talk about frequently I know a million homeschooled church kids and have heard a million arguments against public school from church friends. I have definitely heard sermons on having a huge family to counteract Muslim birthrates, too (lol). And wow have I heard all about sexual purity. They may have been hot topics at my church growing up, but as an adult, I can tell you those aren't the things most frequently mentioned in the Bible. Sex morality is mentioned so infrequently that some even claim homosexuality is compatible with Jesus' teachings! </p>
+	<p>When I read the Bible, I see an emphasis on union with God, charity, forgiveness, not judging others or revering legalism, thanksgiving, and so on. It's so obvious now. Church culture is not just taking parts of the Bible and making them more marketable like reimagining Paul's "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ" as a WWJD bracelet -- it's disconnected! The sharp divorce between topics emphasized by people in the church and topics emphasized by the Bible is so obvious to me now. I can only speak to my experience and I won't deny all the true saints I've met in churches, but it's a fact that most so-called Christians do not read the Bible and think immersion in church culture is the same thing. </p>
+	<p>I'm going to strawman the kind of ideology that my teen Sunday School and Bill Gothard represent and guess these kind of curriculums don't begin during a reading of Scripture. I bet they start with "sex is bad" and jump to a couple of confirmational verses in their topical Bible, add some personal stories, and call it a day. Even if they happen upon a topic that is obviously biblical like abstaining from sex before marriage, their method is still wrong! <a href="https://wiki.blessfrey.me/view/Eisegesis">Eisegesis</a> is when you ignore the context of a verse and inject your own ideas into Scripture, which is a shallow and risky method of Bible training. </p>
+	<p>That has to be what is going on when so little Bible is read and such specific but relatively less emphasized topics are obsessed over. </p>
+	<p>I'm also going to strawman the reason for their fixation on the topic. Pestering Chat-GPT3.5 on this and that about fundamental Christianity, he gave Bill Gothard and Jerry Falwell, Sr., (the founder of Liberty University, a school several of my friends attended) as having had sexual misconduct. Chat-GPT3.5's knowledge is flawed, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, especially since the Me Too movement has demonstrated that not all accusations are honest. </p>
+	<p>I do, however, know the people I was under as a teen. Some adults definitely had creepy interactions with teenaged me. </p>
+	<p>Isn't this a lot like that part in the Sermon on the Mount? </p>
+	<pre><code>“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
+
+“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you. (Matthew 7:1-6)</code></pre>
+	<p>Stressing sexual purity to a bunch of Youth Group girls who never, as far as I know, acted on sexual temptation, while acting inappropriately yourself? That's judging specks while you have a log of your own. </p>
+	<p>Not being a hypocrite is a strong theme in Christ's teachings, and this is exactly why. In the case of public accusations made against church figures (Catholic priest misconduct is a mainstream media favorite), it hurts the image of the Bride of Christ, and in the case of girls like me, it wastes time that could be spent Bible training or serving and drives us away from the church. </p>
+	<p>Sometimes I watch "anti-haulers" on Youtube, girls who produce "anti-consumeristic" content by reviewing shopping catalogues and pointing out all the products you shouldn't buy. Some even go into Target and film all the cute products they will not be buying and why. They inevitably shop way more often and have way more products in their house than me, someone pretty neutral on consumerism. If you were a wild conspiracy theorist, you may say these girls are being insidious, claiming to be anti-consumerism, but actually feeding you the same catalogue that a pro-consumerism channel would have. Personally, I think they are just funny girls who are obsessed with shopping. I seriously doubt any have ulterior motives like that. </p>
+	<p>But what if a Sunday School teacher is obsessed with sexual purity? While all the while talking about nothing but sex and how you should not have it. I think it's fair to be a little suspicious of someone like that and question the curriculum at least! </p>
+	<p>It's a really awkward topic, I know, but
+<br>

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+GriefShare can't save my dad, but I can't either.
+
+   <p>My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I interpreted it as a chance to mend. </p>
+   <p>It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and regular phone calls. </p>
+   <p>It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God." That thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen and got on my knees about it. </p>
+   <p>This was led by passion, though, not the Spirit, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up. </p>
+   <p>He has been taking GriefShare for years. I can't review the whole program, but our local chapter explicitly doesn't encourage church attendance, prayer, or Bible reading. It shares an eisegetical verse or two occasionally, but a resounding takeaway is that all forms of grief are valid (besides turning to substance abuse). Some people turn away from the church and can't read their Bible while grieving, and that's fine. What a horrible message to tell people! Worse, the people there were clearly there to pity themselves and not listen to or support each other. They were super rude to my dad, telling him to "get over it" and that his problems aren't real. To be fair, my dad was being pretty rude, too, but he paid to be counseled not dismissed! </p>
+   <p>It was obvious to me that GriefShare was a fix-all in his head, and personal Bible time was redundant. I was driven to encourage him to pursue spiritual matters on his own. Scripture and some time with the Lord is worth a thousand counselors. Turning to the church and the Bible blessed me beyond finding peace with Mom's passing. It's everything. </p>
+   <p>Then his response hit me like a truck. He bluntly said God had told him he doesn't need to read the Bible. God said GriefShare is enough. It's held in a church, after all. </p>
+   <p>My passion caused the Lord's name to be used in vain, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. I had been in the wrong this whole time. I was acting like I knew his heart, when no one even knows their own heart but God. I judged my dad as unsaved and was taking it as my responsibility to work his salvation. We should never judge each other's salvation. Jesus told us to spread the seeds and perhaps harvest them but nothing more. He even told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God. </p>

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