diary

src/diary/entries/250107

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+<h1>Nothing Left But Clinical Trials </h1>
+#health #personal<br>
+<br>
+
+	<p>None of my chemotherapy treatments work. My specialist thinks a particular clinical trial is the best option for me, and I'll meet my new doctor soon. I was kind of feeling like the adventurous part of cancer was going to start up again soon, with how much I disliked FOLFOX, and maybe I was right. </p>
+
+<h2>What should I expect? </h2>
+
+    <p>I'm guessing my care team is really hoping for a good clinical trial over the third line of treatment available, so I'm guessing if this one doesn't work out, I'll get on one eventually. </p>
+
+    <p>If this is the one, I don't really know what to expect. The coordinator said I might stay there a while, depending on how the first appointment goes. It's just a few hours away, but still, it's out of state. Sheesh. I have a very clingy pet cat, poor guy. Not to mention my husband's work and all our responsibilities here. After I had to stop, my husband's pretty much the only volunteer consistently available to run cameras at church. I'd feel bad to strain their small team further. </p>
+    
+    <p>Hopefully my new treatment will be spaced out well enough (and tolerable) that I can go home regularly. It'd be so inconvenient otherwise. I've already stayed in the hospital unexpectedly for a month, though, so it's not my first rodeo. </p>
+    
+    <p>My in-laws moved in to my house then. I had paused random chores to go to a quick checkup that became a hospital admission, so they just sat there, half-finished. My in-laws were asking all kinds of goofy questions like why I keep a half-full box of random papers in the hallway. I don't! I was shredding them, and that was the only working outlet I could find. It's so inconvenient to rely on others so unexpectedly. OTL </p>
+
+    <p>Also I did the bad thing and looked at some of the medical journal publications for previous trials my new doctor worked on, and they have high death rates. I never do stuff like that, but my mother-in-law was talking about research and stuff and I felt bad about not doing that kinda thing. Eugh, never do that. Why did I do that? I never do that. Besides, obviously clinical trials don't save everyone. They are a last resort! Eugh, with all the things chemo makes my memory spotty on, I wish I could mindwipe having read those lol. Oops. Don't do what I did, guys! </p>
+
+	<h2>Pray for me? </h2>
+	
+	<p>If God took care of all the details during my unexpected long hospital stay, He'll take care of everything here on out. But specifically, the winter storms make travel even more inconvenient, so clear roads, please? And that He provides the right medicine and peace for my family and caregivers. </p>
+
+	<h2>Don't worry about anything </h2>
+	
+	<p>So I get severe allergic reactions to the treatment that worked best for me. Guinea pig stuff seems more promising than the conventional treatments currently available. I'm not controlling my cancer with anything until I meet with the new care team. And I'm in so much pain it's interfering with sleep. But what happens, happens. </p>
+
+    <p>I feel like our knowledge of things is so limited, you can't really complain or feel dread. This trial could be better than FOLFOX and get the last bit of cancer out of my colon and liver. It could go horribly, but it leads to me getting into the right medicine. Or if God doesn't intend to cure my cancer, I still trust His faithfulness through it all. </p>
+
+<pre><code>
+Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;
+do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made
+known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
+
+Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
+commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned
+and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
+
+-Philippians 4:4-9
+</pre></code>
+
+    <p>This is about all I've learned going through cancer. It's a hard, undignifying, and uncertain path, but praising God brings peace while He covers all the details. </p>