The website doesn't look how I want it to yet!
-Iterating over the website. Lots of placeholder pages are up, but few are close to my current plan. This version will be better than ever, with embedded HTML5 applications and more artwork.
Follow along to make your first mini WebSocket application in GDScript (with a little JSON). The client and the server will be two separate projects. I build upon the NetworkedMultiplayerENet chat room tutorial(archive link) by Miziziziz and the HTML5 and WebSocket tutorial in the Godot documentation.
@@ -300,7 +300,7 @@ func _connected(protocol = ""):You can see the finished project on my repo: server and client.
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/230508 b/src/diary/entries/230508 index a531387..37a1102 100644 --- a/src/diary/entries/230508 +++ b/src/diary/entries/230508 @@ -1,26 +1,26 @@ -Redesign time! Blessfrey.me is my personal website full of my own interests, art, and research, and it doesn't need to be any more than that.
-College, social media, other people's blogs, everyone tells you to laser-focus on a niche, release updates at an algorithm-dictated frequency, and always work towards SEO optimization. When I do something, I try to do it right, but that is a silly amount of energy to put towards the content mix over actually enjoying programming and art. I don't have the same goals as these people with a full-time social media job, and I'm okay with that.
I also never looked up to any influencers, so it's not like that advice helps me emulate my role models. The bloggers and game devs I admired as a kid in the 90s-00s had inconsistent updates, wrote about whatever they felt like, and clearly worked more for their own pleasure than their target audience and "the algorithm." No refined professional touch, no politically correct tone, and no telling when updates would drop, but they had something the repetitive mills and the smaller content creators who emulate them don't. I can't even articulate what that something is, but I learned a lot more from those kinds of people.
I'm no entrepeneurial mommy blog influencer on the first page Google results, so I just shouldn't care about their process. Even if I was, it would still be important for me to have some cute little site on the side! Maybe it won't bring in $10K/month or clout, but there's still value to a dinky online portfolio.
-From this point forward(?), I'm going to update my diary whenever I feel like it instead of postponing and rearranging entries to meet a biweekly schedule and recommended content mix.
I'll worry more about blog-worthy topics than meeting the godot indiedev niche. And I'll share more of my work in general. I draw and write, but most of it stays locked up in a hard drive. Why not share? And even if no one ever cares but me, it's nice to look back on them in a curated little gallery.
Also, it's just convenient to host my OCs and art somewhere. Toyhou.se and alternatives are popular for a reason, and, if I don't really care to participate in the community over there, a custom coded website is so much less clunky.
-More than art, I'd like to have my research on here. I spend a lot of time studying and taking classes and have produced notes that, depending on the circumstances, are more valuable to me than Google. (Not that Google's that great of a resource anyway these days.) Other people ask to see my notes sometimes, too. I think they may be useful to others if I host an online copy instead of printing off a few pages and keeping the rest sealed away, only viewable through private software. So why not?
Of course, this necessitates the next big tech upgrade: adding wiki software to Blessfrey.me. Once my husband's LazyWiki project is installed on the server, I can make a wiki with lazy linking, meaning all I need to do is write the articles and all the wiki links will be generated by the software as the page loads. Wikis with large communities may be able to insert individual links with more intentionality and at a step that saves on computing power, but lazy evaluation suits Blessfrey.me's needs perfectly. The only change is, I'd like the online copy to be read-only to prevent vandalism and people using my website to transmit illegal things.
I think the best way to use wikis would be to give each topic its own database. So one can hold my Bible, church history, and Bible scholar notes, then I'm sure I'll want a more technical one. But it may be cool to keep another as a worldbuilding bible or game manual or something.
When this functionality is added, the wikis will be kept on the study page.
-Since Blessfrey.me is more general now, the hierarchy of the site will no longer revolve around the current game I'm working on. Instead, I break the navigation into diary, games, characters, art, study, and an about me page.
HTML5 lets you embed games directly into your pages, so I finally added some to the games page. My other gamedev and tech topics like gdd, software requirements, and repos can branch off that page, too, but I think most people would be more interested in the games, hence the page's name.
Characters will be my OC database, so people can see them for Artfight or rp or whatever. But honestly, I just like looking at them displayed on their own page. It reminds me of the cast page of a promo site for an otome game. Those are always the most stylish pages with the most prose. Flash's death killed my old favorite designs, so here's whatever the latest Otomate game is as an example of what I mean.
@@ -28,16 +28,16 @@For the about me page, I want to provide a brief description of what I do, how to contact me, and what Blessfrey.me is. I'm kind of private and kind of boring, so there isn't much to explain anyway. It was too general before, sharing too much information about each project, when that information is better situated on the projects' pages.
More specific pages were moved under these main pages. Also, more specific pages have become hubs like how the gdd page lists all my game design documents now rather than just featuring my latest game.
-The biggest visual change is the navigation bar. It used to be modeled after an RPG skillbar, and I was even trying to mimic the 'cooldown' animation after clicking an icon.
The icons are supposed to be plumb between the heart and star. There are also text labels, so ESL users can machine translate or deaf users can hear them or whatever. They are supposed to be small and nestled unobstructively under the corresponding icons. As you can see in this recent screenshot, it takes a lot of maintenance to keep that look over time. After the most recent css break, I gave up. I just got rid of it. Maybe again someday, but that thing's gone.
A simple fixed stripe of periwinkle across the bottom with some links is all I need for now. Also, I can add the cute hover, active text decoration that mobile users unfortunately don't even realize is there. Mitochondria is such a cute font.
-You know I haven't updated the website without removing lots of redundant, outdated code, and finding shortcuts.
-I'm really happy with what I've made so far. Maybe I'll actually show it to people more often instead of always thinking, "when I have something better, I'll show them." I already have lots of cool things, so why not share now?
Now, I read a chapter a day, digging deeper than I ever did at anyone else's pace.
-Every church, every Christian group I've been in, they say you should read through the Bible once a year. As someone who deeply enjoys arbitrary structure and prebuilt curriculums (I take online classes for fun), I eagerly embraced this idea. I have used several plans, probably most often the one in the back of my Bible. As worthy as it was, this exercise often discouraged meditation.
If the "begats" cropped up before drama or poetry, the temptation to skim was strong. If anything was too rich or obscure, it was easier to proceed to a more direct, actionable text. It's not that reading plans failed to reveal God's nature, His promises, or my shortcomings. But to some extend, checking off boxes became a primary goal.
I'm sure everyone else refreshes that clear vantage point over all of Scripture every year and becomes full of the Word as they do it, but I never made that my intention. Despite concessions I've made over the years, even with reading ahead during easier days, I consistently failed. I drown under confusing Old Testament narratives and a backlog of missed epistles. Consequently I would either start fresh with a new plan or take a break from Bible reading altogether. I never finished the Bible in a year. That behavior is so unhealthy when it's spelled out, but that's how it is when your eyes are on everyone else but God.
-When my mom's health sharply declined, I grappled with the fear that my parents might not always be around. I cried to God that I may never be old and mature enough to get all the explanations I needed from them. But then, the answer became clear - it doesn't matter. With that realization, the burden of reliving bad childhood memories was lifted. Soon, sermons on not dwelling on the past, forgiveness (Matthew 6:15), and peace (Philippians 4:6-7) followed, and my relationship with God became so personal and timely. I craved Bible reading. I didn't want to follow the rules; I wanted the Bible to answer more questions. I yearned to hear what the Bible had to say.
-This marked the beginning of a new approach to reading the Bible. I chose an important topic – hopelessness, and a book that addressed it – Jeremiah. Despite Jeremiah never resonating with me in the past (why do modern Christians need so many chapters against pouring drink offerings to the Baals?), this choice was instinctual, almost like a snap decision. Then I decided that even if this one book took an entire year by itself, that would be fine. I was there to learn from Jeremiah's ministry. And right away, Jeremiah became strikingly relevant, calling for priests (us, according to 1 Peter 2:9-10) to cultivate a more authentic and exclusive relationship with God and His Word, rather than the world and its idols.
In this new plan, I select a topic relevant to me and pair it with a book. Even though the Bible will likely address your chosen topic in unexpected ways and broaden your perspective, I think a simple question or topic makes a good starting point. It helps with building enthusiasm and finding personal connection with the text. So far, the topics I've chosen have been closely tied to life events, convictions from Scripture and prayer, and recurring themes in my day-to-day life. Examples include wisdom, hopelessness, demons, and spiritual gifts. I think a good prayer to help brainstorm is to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any disbelief in you.
When it comes to selecting books, I don't have extensive knowledge of each book, so I either trust my intuition or make an obvious choice. Once I finish, I may also continue into other books from the same time period or topic. I read Jeremiah, Obadiah, the apocryphal Baruch, and Lamentations back-to-back, though Lamentations is so bleak, I had to pair it with Song of Songs. Your pair of topic and book doesn't need to make sense to others, so long as it fuels your desire to read.
@@ -23,7 +23,7 @@It might be an unconventional approach, but sometimes it takes an external experience or a change of attitude to unlock Scripture, and I've been enjoying associating certain chapters with moments in my life.
Lastly, I no longer stockpile Scripture readings in advance. I may only read one chapter out of the current book per day, no matter its length. I don't want to dilute the impact of the book by consuming too much of it at once. A single chapter is sufficient to reflect upon and apply per day. If I need more Scripture, I visit other books, often Proverbs or one of the tiny, less familiar books.
-Slowing down compelled me to appreciate what is present in the Scripture. If all Scripture is breathed out by God for men of God (2 Timothy 3:16-17), then it's all valuable study material. This means there is no 'flyover country' in the Bible; no part of it should be skimmed over just to get to the 'good stuff'. The 'begats', the meticulous descriptions of each minor character's tribe, the geographical details, the recapitulation of reigns, all of it is worth studying, when seen in the context of Scripture as a whole. Before, I barely knew my -ites from my -ines, but these tribes have proven to be rich, meaningful characters themselves, worthy of study!
The Bible is alive, all of it matters, and it unfolds in a timing beyond our control. It may not be as fancy as completing the Bible in a year, but there's a humbling beauty in moving through the text so slowly. Let's read quickly for the breadth of Scripture but also not neglect slow, deep reading.
As thanks for reading my blog, may God give you the answers you seek.^^
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/240101 b/src/diary/entries/240101 index bc935a7..6a1c61e 100644 --- a/src/diary/entries/240101 +++ b/src/diary/entries/240101 @@ -1,26 +1,30 @@ -Colon cancer can look a lot like grief or fatigue, so I didn't recognize it for maybe 2 years. Lining up so well with my mom's passing and other stressful events isn't bad timing, though, because God's timing is always perfect.
-I've had low energy for months, maybe even a year. I haven't had energy for cooking, programming, or even videogames, so I've fallen massively behind in all my hobbies. Basically, I've been really lame. The timing lines up perfectly with my mom's passing in September 2022, so I assumed it was part of grieving and would pass eventually.
-About six months before the diagnosis, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right side. It felt like a dagger in my liver, and I could not lift my arm over my head. I could barely even sit up. Before the pain, I had been nonstop coughing every night for weeks, so constantly I couldn't have conversations. Google suggested it was a torn muscle, which constant coughing can cause, so that's what I went with as an explanation. After two or three weeks, the pain dropped to a manageable level, only hurting some days. It concerned me, but I ultimately let it go.
-My health was in the background all 2023. Instead, the entire year, I made it my mission to fix my relationship with my dad. He never accepted me as "I came out wrong," so he cut me out of his life as much as possible. Mom's death softened him and I think he has been making small efforts to try to be my dad, so I took it as a chance to mend. It's hard to read someone's heart, though. He is stony and never opened up to me even a little over the course of a year of accompanying him to his therapy group, trying to arrange father-daughter time, and numerous chatty phone calls.
It was more than wanting a normal relationship with my dad, though. I felt like I was sharing the gospel. Whenever I would suggest he pray about his grief, he would give vaguities like "I have been having conversations with God" that thrilled me. My dad, who used to disparage me for believing the Bible is true, is having conversations with God! I felt like I could convince him to pray, convince him to read his Bible, convince him to take spiritual matters seriously. I felt like I could share part of his spiritual life, like a healthy father and daughter should. I prayed for hours at a time that this would happen.
This was led by passion, not the Spirit, though, so no matter how tactfully I would bring up spiritual matters, he turned more and more vague until finally he used God's name in vain to shut me up. I had told him group counseling is good if it works for him, but he will have a deeper recovery if he combines it with personal Bible reading. He told me God said group counseling is all he needs, especially since it is already held at a church. My passion led him to put words in God's mouth, and I immediately felt convicted and dropped my mission. It is a difficult thing for me to hear, but Jesus told His disciples not to waste time on those who reject the Word, after all. All we are to do is share the way then leave people in God's hands. No one changes hearts but God.
Also during this time, he was getting in wrecks or near-wrecks as often as he was getting in a car. Some of them were severe for the other drivers, so I took over as his personal Uber out of concern. He wasn't on drugs or anything, he is just the most anxious person on earth. I didn't help, though. He would scream randomly and backseat drive to the point even I started having near-wrecks. The drama climaxed three months ago (what timing!) when Dad insisted on taking a turn driving us to group therapy, and my husband came out and refused for me to get in the car with him anymore. It turned into an embarrassing yard fight where Dad spewed the most hateful words against Mom I had ever heard and blatantly confessed to all the times he's hurt Mom and me, despite his gaslighting. It was shocking. I thought he had changed, but he had never seemed more hateful to me than in that moment. Maybe he is more gentle and maybe he tries to repair things in his own way, but he is still Dad.
This fight was the last time I was able to talk to him. He tried to get me to continue running errands for him, but I was not only too hurt by his words to take calls; I was sick. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stay awake. It was about three months before the diagnosis, and my energy dropped to an all-time low. I could get through a day, but I would curl up and sleep the moment I got home. I thought Dad had placed too much stress for me to bear, and I had to rest for a long time to recover. Months passed, and I didn't recover, but I still blamed the grief and the fight.
-This entire time, I still had the cough. My husband kept having issues of his own, though, so I would delay any care for myself for his sake. The most extreme was Bell's palsy, which seems an awful lot like a stroke in the moment. Finally, my husband told me to go to the doctor today. Chest x-rays revealed fluid in my lungs, and my doctor called me with urgency in her voice to go to the ER ASAP. Doctors, illness, medicine, (and cancer) is my ultimate phobia, so hearing an emotional doctor like that got my heart pumping. However, when I got to the ER, the doctor massively downplayed the fluid, insisting there was barely any. But he was concerned that my symptoms didn't line up and ran test after test. God bless him for being thorough because he could have sent me home with antibiotics, but he somehow found the masses on my liver and free-floating in my caking based on a chest x-ray and a hunch. It wasn't long until I was formally diagnosed with colon cancer in November 2023. They said I probably have had it for 2 years.
-My grandmother died from cancer. My mom recently died from cancer. My aunt very recently overcame cancer. It seems like every woman on my mom's side gets cancer, so what hope is there for me? When I was told I have masses, it might as well have been a formal diagnosis. Dad, being the most anxious and overbearing person on earth, called me over and over telling me I will get cancer next and to get tested immediately, so I actually even went to a cancer clinic in January. Ironically, the most they were willing to do was a genetic test and told me to come back for screening when I am middle-aged - when I very likely had cancer right then at the age of 28!
Regardless, the paranoia was firmly planted in my head. Every time I had a weird pain in my belly, the thought of cancer would pass my mind. I didn't take it seriously, though, because cancer is a little extreme. It was like this meme that was floating around at the time, but...the painful spots actually were the same spots as the masses. Again, kinda ironic.
So I was primed for the worst news and suddenly confronted with my capital phobia. I was a wreck, right? Strangely, no.
My pastor had recently given sermons on how Christians ought to rejoice in tribulations as opportunities for spiritual growth. I had read some James and 1 Peter, too, which only reinforce the glory of tribulation. I honestly scoffed that I could ever be that Christian, especially in the context of cancer. It seemed impossible to praise God and thank Him for the day if that ever happened. But of course I don't want to be out of alignment with Scripture, so I prayed for God to search my heart and change it. And He sure flipped my perspective upside-down.
I was calm when they found the masses. The Bible already explains why very obviously. Unlike the prolonged fool's mission of healing all my dad's problems, God has obviously placed me square in the middle of cancer for a reason, and if He puts you somewhere, He provides everything you need. He gives me the strength, He gives me the peace, and He gives me countless reasons to praise Him day-in and day-out. Undoubtedly it's impossible to go through tribulations on my own. But if they are God-given and intended for spiritual growth, God will be and has been with me every step of the way. When you are with God, there is nothing to fear. Jesus' yoke is easy, and His burden is light.
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/240108 b/src/diary/entries/240108 index 54691d5..e86ddd2 100644 --- a/src/diary/entries/240108 +++ b/src/diary/entries/240108 @@ -1,10 +1,10 @@ -God makes it clear. Psalm 27:14 ends with"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." There is nothing to fear. His timing is perfect, so wait on Him. And you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, so sing praises to Him.
-Since cancer and medical stuff in general is my specific phobia, it's best if I don't know all the details of my cancer. I want to understand enough to cooperate with my treatment, but if I knew the stage and all the little details, all it would do is scare me. My family doesn't have the same phobia, so they ask all those questions, but if I did, paranoia and doomscrolling would set in for sure.
Frankly, the severity doesn't really matter to me anyway. It's in God's hands. He has made massive tumors disappear, and He has taken people home during routine procedures. People's bodies are like clay to Him. Just as with Job, if even Satan himself is attacking my body, God has set His hand where no threat can pass. If that is my life, praise God, but if that is my soul, I trust His wisdom, praise God. Any place in my heart where that is not true, Father, please bring it into alignment with Your will.
Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” - Job 2:4-6
@@ -12,32 +12,39 @@There was always an excuse, though. A year ago, my mom passed away, so I thought it was just grief! Then three months ago, my dad began getting into wrecks frequently, so I thought it was just stress! Then I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but how can I worry about that when my husband is having stroke-like symptoms!
After all this bad timing, I finally caught it three months after reaching my lowest point and a year after I started feeling a little down. My husband had finally reached his limit of seeing me sick and ordered me to the doctor right away. I was diagnosed within days, but I had probably had cancer for 2 years. Was it really a bad time to be diagnosed, though, or was God waiting until He had lined everything up perfectly?
My pastor recommended I keep a list of miracles, so here's a few things I've noticed.
-I was diagnosed in the hospital and was kind of subjected to whatever doctor or nurse was in. Admission time is an RNG roll, and I feel like I received the best. My general practioner sent me to the ER for fluid in my lungs with urgency. It would turn out that I barely had any in the first place, but her urgency was well-placed. I feel like just any doctor would have sent me home with antibiotics, but the ER doctor on staff that day diligently investigated my mismatched symptoms until he found the cancer. Bless him richly. He is a good doctor. I was quickly matched with the oncologist and the surgeon available, and both would prove later to be just as excellent.
Then all my nurses were gentle, knowledgeable, and clean. One nurse in particular was like a friend, but several were close to my age and deeply empathetic for my health. They offered a lot of hugs and laughs and supportive words beyond the medicines and tests.
I got opportunities to show my nurses love, too, but the Holy Spirit's appearance overshadowed me. God blessed me with a peace that fragranced the room, and the nurses and everyone who visited commented on it. One night-shift nurse said I slept with a glow-in-the-dark smile. It wasn't the classic "be the only Jesus some people see" saying - God's presence was obvious in the room. I did get conventional opportunities to talk about God's love and pray with a lot of people, though, and my pastor was a frequent guest. One nurse was even sweet enough to return my prayer for her with a small gift. Having cancer and being stuck in the hospital for weeks is bad and all, but praise God for how special it was to feel His presence like that.
-I believe God prepares the way for my husband and me. His vantage point is unfathomably vast, but I can see enough to know that we would have had some disadvantage if the cancer clinic had diagnosed me back in January.
My husband is my protector. When I am in danger, he swoops in and saves me or gives me the way out. He loves me and cares for me with all of his heart. This is true to the point I wonder if it's harder on him to see me with cancer than to go through it himself. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital, sleeping in his jeans in folding chairs, and he has been by my side ceaselessly since I've come home. This would be impossible for someone to do while maintaining a job, yet God has worked it all out.
I became a star in his office somehow. I don't work there, and I have no reason to really interact with his coworkers, but I had that bizarre Esther-like favor with them immediately when I met them. They were having an informal meeting at a bar. My husband and I don't attend the meetups, but we decided to one time when the CEO was in town. They all wanted to talk to me and were unironically trying to invent a position in the company for me at once. My husband even says they started bringing my "charm" up in meetings. Later, I accompanied my husband to company expos and conferences, and they let me into their booths and were even okay with me talking to guests. Then when the office Christmas party came, they were more enthusiastic about inviting me than my husband! It's not normal, but that's how favor looked in the book of Esther when God was placing her where she was needed - and my husband needed his coworkers' support.
When I got the diagnosis, they showered me with love, with offers to pick up things to bring to the hospital, and with flowers and really cool gifts. Even more, they showered my husband with advice on how to approach our insurance and have given him leave to work from home as much as he needs. They are like a family, and I am so surprised and grateful for their kindness. But they very well may not have been so supportive if God hadn't been setting this up all year! I think God is watching out for my husband as much as He has been for me.
As a longer-term complementary miracle, how amazing a husband I have. He first noticed me in a crowd, so thank God a hundred times that he picked me. God gave me the perfect husband to rely on and be loved by.
-I did not want to be alone in the hospital for one minute. If a doctor came in, I wanted a second ear. If I needed something, I didn't want to rely on overworked nurses. My husband was ready to sacrifice his energy like that, but it's a totally unreasonable expectation for one person. Fortunately, God has been working in the background for years to send us family to support us. Doesn't He think of everything?
Usually, my father-in-law lacks seniority to get Christmas and New Year's off, so we celebrate on another day or without him. Traveling from their state to ours is out of the question. This was the year he finally got them off, and they planned on visiting us during the holidays instead of the other way around. (Of course, they only tell us things last-minute, so we had no idea all year.) So, right as my husband needs them, they have all the time off they want and can sit with me or run errands and give my husband much needed relief.
They could have avoided traveling for Christmas, but things are stressful at home for them, so they wanted to relax with us. It's tremendously helpful they were directed to us, but I feel a little bad that they landed in the middle of our own drama. I think my in-laws are really like family to me, though, way more than my biological family. They jumped right into caring for us. They were beyond helpful both when dealing with doctors and managing my neglected household chores. They got plenty of time to relax, too, and explore my city. It's crazy how everything lined up with that because any other year, my father-in-law would never be able to visit for even a full weekend. I didn't even know it was possible to see him off work for so long.
-After the diagnosis, all my doctors were deliberating the proper treatment. My oncologist was out, so her partner came in with a pessimistic presentation of treatments. My surgeon was visibly downcast, essentially telling me that my scans resembled someone who is inoperable and even if he could operate, the recovery would take dangerously long. There was no way forward.
However, my God is a Way Maker, so I had to go to Him. I prayed with my husband. I called the pastor in to pray. I called my two best friends in to pray. Prayer was being strategically deployed. We prayed for a way forward. Then my oncologist came in the next morning, saying we would begin Folfox promptly. She was so clear and confident, there was a clear contrast.
When I began treatment, I had no side effects, and in fact, all my superficial cancer symptoms disappeared immediately with the first treatment - no fever, no fatigue, no night sweats. My tumor pains even are far less frequent and nowhere near as painful. Even my nocturia almost disappeared after 3 treatments. It's like I get the chemo glow. I blossom with every treatment. Others suffer much harsher side effects and more nebulous benefits, so thank God for being so gracious with me so far.
-After going home, I developed a blockage in my colon but didn't realize it. No one knew what to do. Every day, I was in immense pain and became very swollen, but my mother-in-law and husband would continue to try to force me to eat, which increased only pressure. Whenever they would call my oncologist team, they would only suggest Miralax and stool softener, saying swelling in the abdomen is normal after chemo. This wasn't normal, though. I sounded like a fish tank with all the liquid and gas trapped in my colon.
The most the oncologists suggested was an ultrasound to detect if it was water and a way to remove any excess water. Of course I prayed that it was water and that the doctors would give instant relief, but the procedure found nothing of the sort. In retrospect, this was the better outcome. Water can be removed, but they said it would come back and have to be removed periodically. The alternative operation is not comfortable, but having to deal with that periodically would be way worse. Also, water around my organs is a cancer symptom, and I want less cancer symptoms, not more! When God says no and gives something better, doesn't He?
-My mother-in-law kept calling and tried contacting other oncologists she knew, but my husband decided in a snap to take me to the ER instead. Thank God he did because my surgeon rushed down to meet me and said my colon could rupture at any moment. The surgery he originally said was impossible was now necessary. Honestly, this was a life-or-death situation.
He started by ordering an NG tube, but the ER nurses were out of their element with it. They couldn't find a tube small enough for me, so they were setting to sedate me and force it down my nose. When they consulted with my surgeon for a second opinion, he stepped in and transferred me to the surgery ward where the nurses routinely practice NG tube insertion on each other. It was such a smooth process. My nurses found a tube in my size and instructed me every step of the way. I have always had a phobia of tubes being inserted down my throat, but the Lord made it easy. Even if I needed some berry-flavored throat numbing spray every few hours, the NG tube brought the instant relief my husband and I prayed for. Praise God.
The surgery itself turned out not only to be possible, but I recovered in superhuman time. It takes time for the colon to function normally again, but it was fine right away. I was back on a normal diet in 3 days when recovery should take weeks. God worked an undeniable miracle, and my surgeon was nothing but smiles after having been so gloomy. Hallelujah. I didn't want the surgery at all, but before, I was on a low-roughage diet that cuts out all the joy (no quinoa, no strawberries...), and now I can eat with freedom. More so, it saved my life. God always takes care of me.
-My chemo treatment is FOLFOX, which includes oxaliplatin. It has a really weird side effect that increases cold sensitivity. Being exposed to cold feels like electrocution. The night after first infusion, a few drops spattered from the sink onto my arm, and I felt intense shocking for an hour. It freaked me out, even if I was warned to be careful.
The side effect was not so bad after first exposure, but I had to wait for the sink to warm up before coming anywhere near it, drink lukewarm water, cover my face and hands in the cold, and generally flee from cold. Thankfully, the shock goes away immediately if I touch something warm. It's supposedly not as bad as neuropathy, another potential side effect, but I want to avoid nerve damage on any level.
Of all the side effects to have from chemo, this, fatigue, food tasting slightly different but not enough to shift my preferences, and hair loss is a pretty light load compared to all the cancer symptoms it has wiped out. I've heard much worse, so thank God for being gentle with me.
@@ -45,7 +52,8 @@I am a million times more comfortable talking about cancer than I was a month before diagnosis, but it's still a downer topic that comes up a lot. I can share the positives, sure, but more often than not, the other person will begin sharing the time their loved one died from cancer and feel sad. Instead, I usually try to turn all cancer smalltalk into chatter about this cold shock thing. It's not that bad of a malady and is pretty universally interesting as it's so strange and obscure. I suddenly wanted to see if there's a real term for it, if I talk about it so much. "Cold shock thing," "cold sensitivity" is always awkward to say. Well, naturally instead, I clicked on outrageous clickbait! What else do you do while trying to research something serious?
Fight Colorectal Cancer has an article titled Keeping Cool: Can Ice Keep Side Effects at Bay?. The findings, all from random patient hearsay and a Facebook group, claim the best way to prevent suffering from the cold is to give in completely. During infusion, eat ice chips, wear ice packs, freeze your socks, and the cold will accept you as its own. You can go out and eat ice cream immediately afterward, when the side effect would normally be at its most biting. There were no clinical studies of this at the time of the article, but it's so easy to test. Why not?
"Icing" myself during the hour infusion by sucking on ice chips actually worked. I accidently washed my hands with cold water when I came home, and it was like nothing. As a test, I held an ice drink, and there was a little shock after a while, but this was weaker than the first treatment. I'm not suffering from unexpected breezes or cold surfaces or anything. I can live my life rather normally instead of looking like a parka caterpillar. Amazing. God gives you what you need when you need it. Ice may be the best palliative treatment I've had. :)
-I'll update as I go. :) Thanks for reading, and please thank God for all His faithfulness and lovingkindness.
It's a new year! And the word of the year is hope.
-My church encourages its members to choose a guiding word each year. New Year's resolutions never really clicked, but a single word is more thought-provoking and less pressuring than an objective goal for me. I source annual words naturally from reoccurring words in my life and Scripture that speak to some misunderstanding or weakness of mine, then I spend the year learning more about it and addressing faults.
For example, last year's word was fool. It directed me to better understand those confusing sections of Scripture where Paul says to be a fool for Christ or even boasts as a fool (2 Corinthians 11), but it also encourages me to be a little more foolish before myself and others for Christ's sake. There are so many times I have been nudged to do something good for another but refused because "they'll think I'm crazy," "it won't do any good," "I'm too embarrassed," "surely the Holy Spirit isn't nudging me right now," and all the other classic excuses.
No more! I would rather be reckless and do everything I can for God and make some mistakes while doing it instead of passively hoving about the sidelines.
Having "fool" as a mantra was more inspiring than "Say yes to God more, and do more good works." If it had been a resolution, it wouldn't have been as constant in my mind.
-2024 is the year of hope. My pastor declared it as the year of miracles and of family healing, so maybe it's appropriate. I chose this word because of Romans 5:3-5, which claims suffering ultimately produces hope. This verse ties in with my readings of Paul's and James's epistles addressed to those going through tribulations while I try to better understand the recent hardships in my life. The word hope has cropped up in recent sermons also. If something stands out to me like that, I suppose I ought to examine it.
I usually skim over mentions of hope in the Bible and even avoid using the word in everyday speech. I find it weak and passive. If someone hopes I get better soon, it's nothing more than a nice sentiment to have said and even less when performed. Hoping to get something accomplishes nothing. It seems to me like anything else put in hope's place would be better. Advice or genuine and non-cliche support beats a 'get better soon,' and any other action would be more productive towards reaching a goal than hope. Hope itself even lacks substance as a virtue. Everyone hopes, but can you excel at hope? Can you improve your hope? Can you hope harder?
Even if it wasn't conscious or that big a deal to me, that attitude towards hope is still neurotic at best and a little uppity and false at worst. The Bible addresses hope as something all Christians should have, so it has divine value, end of story. In other words, it's something new to explore in Scripture and embrace as a way to better understand my Savior and be more like Him. So let's find hope this year!
I'm not fully the kind of person to hope for a brighter future or for good outcomes to my current situation. I would prefer good things, of course, but I often feel like looking towards a bright future is a passive waste of time and will make any possible bad outcome that much more disappointing. It's best to see how things are actively progressing and adapt, preserving my emotions as I go. After all, we aren't guaranteed a happy and easy time while on earth. In fact, we are called to suffer with Christ.
Obviously hope isn't placed in earthly things anyway, no matter how precious they may seem. We hope to forever be before our Savior, for our linen dresses to have been washed spotless white in the Lamb's blood for the heavenly wedding, and for us to reside in the New Heavens and New Earth forever. These outcomes are promised, so hope in them is assured. I do hope in these things, but maybe I have more room to grow in my hope? There's always a gray tinge under these words, since there is room to think the goodness is withheld until after death. However, David was so confident in the goodness of the Lord, forever declaring the Lord would restore loss multiple times over and that He would show His goodness in the land of the living. Perhaps we have hope on Earth, too, even if it pales in comparison to our hope in Heaven.
-Anyway, if you haven't thought of your word of the year, start thinking. :) It's more fun than resolutions. I hope you have a year of miracles and family healing. Thanks for reading.
You don't get attention unless you want it.
+You don't get attention unless you want it. My study wiki emulates my Bible study leader's methodology of examining Scripture through the eyes of each character, no matter how minor, and has brought the Bible to life for me. But without promotion, could it help anyone else?
-It's no Hexapla, but my Bible study wiki is solid study material. I'm moving chapter-by-chapter through the Bible, telling the story of each figure through their own, individual perspective. This method is not limited to the people but also locations, tribes, and common terms.
+It's no Hexapla, but my Bible study wiki is solid study material. I'm moving chapter-by-chapter through the Bible, telling the story of each figure through their own, individual perspective. This method is not limited to the people but also locations, tribes, and common terms.
The value of this shines when isolating easily-overlooked figures. The Holy Spirit doesn't waste ink, so there is spiritual truth to learn from Lamech's brief appearance rather than locking solely onto high-profile Cain. The wiki format is perfect for dissecting Scripture in this way. Furthermore, I add information and summaries from Bible scholars, literature, history, and other related subjects.
I am sure people would appreciate this resource, but I doubt anyone actually uses it.
-I've used LazyWiki as a Bible study tool since 2017. There's gold on my server, but it's a perpetual work-in-progress and a little crud-covered. I'm satisified keeping it for myself, but if it's something that could help others, why not improve its reach? Popularity would direct eyes to my husband's LazyWiki, too, which I certainly am the first fan of.
-I've put diligent effort into my wiki, but I only began publishing in a way that suits others in 2023. My content comes slowly, too. I work on this alone, so even if I published a chapter's worth of content per day, it'd take over 3 years to finish one pass of the Bible. I break up my Bible content with online courses and other books, too, so it's difficult to finish anything.
Probably the worst point is my lack of focus. Scriptural studies dominate the wiki, but I also use the same database when studying programming and other scattered topics. Though pursuing my every interest is fun, diluting your identity is a popularity killer online.
-Regardless, LazyWiki itself is not set up for popularity. It was written for me to use at home on my own computer, not for an online audience. I already have to break up longer articles into smaller ones to prevent ridiculous loading times, and I'm the only user! The pages are served first come, first serve. Though my husband and I can spam-click pages together without slowdown, a spike in users would wreck the server. The issue is fundamental to LazyWiki's design, so I'd need a whole new replacement to fix it. One could be written for sure whenever necessary, but there's always more relevant things to work on.
-Marketing is probably more important than a "product" itself anyway.
As for the site, I mostly like the overall look of the wiki subdomain, but as someone who honestly prefers janky 2000s web aesthetic, I wouldn't be surprised if my site's more off-putting than cute. I have virtually no brand. There's no logo or proper name or anything like that. It's shackled unattractively under my blog's study links. My site definitely lacks that professional touch, and I'm sure that holds it back.
As for promotion, I only recently added my links to my Discord bio. My effort level is less than zero. At this point, I'm not interested in pursuing social media or hitting up potential brand ambassadors. I'm also not interested in placing a price on the wiki or fiddling with donations, even though that bizarrely seems to increase the perceived value of a product. I certainly have a more serviceable wiki than I did 5 years ago, but I still doubt it's worth managing as a tiny "brand." Maybe in the future, when I have completed more books of the Bible?
The only sort of marketing that interests me for now (besides occasional Blessfrey blogging) would be streaming web development or starting a Bible study Youtube channel. Frankly, though, my self-esteem can't handle the cringe of recording myself talking, and I'd have to learn a whole new suite of skills when I'm pretty sick. Maybe I will try some time, but even then, it's likely going to be yet another cutesy project no one but me enjoys. I just never had that natural flair for garnering an audience.
-Counterproductive to online success or not, my main goal is still to gain a deeper appreciation of Scripture and be able to access my notes online from anywhere. The Bible wiki fulfills that fully! The rest will improve over time.
At the same time, my 7 years of research is probably cool enough to be worth at least a few minutes of clicking around. I recommend starting in 2 Samuel, a fully rendered book of the Bible, or Origin of the Bible, a book I am currently studying. If you like it, consider adding the wiki to your bookmarks or infinite perpetually open phone tabs! The wiki's always growing, so check in whenever you remember.
Thanks for reading and have fun^^
diff --git a/src/diary/entries/240220 b/src/diary/entries/240220 index 5d1af08..aa99188 100644 --- a/src/diary/entries/240220 +++ b/src/diary/entries/240220 @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ -Several people have asked me how to learn Japanese, so I'm going to keep all the resources together in this post.
@@ -78,9 +78,9 @@It might be okay for other languages, but Japanese is too contextual and difficult for machine translation. Here is an example of an amateur manga translator vs a translation group that relies on machine translation:
+It might be okay for other languages, but Japanese is too contextual and difficult for machine translation. Here is an example of an amateur manga translator vs. a translation group that relies on machine translation:
- This is an extreme example, but Google is wildly wrong often enough that this doesn't surprise me at all.
+This is an extreme example, but Google is wildly wrong often enough that this doesn't surprise me at all. Japanese is highly contextual, and machines are still struggling with it.
I think it is better to learn by yourself than by taking a class. The most common textbooks are the official Japanese learning books approved by the Japan government (GENKI), and Japanese people don't necessarily understand new Japanese speakers' needs as well as foreigners. For example, they are shy to use kanji at early levels, but kanji is much easier to read at early levels than kana, or worse, romaji alone! Classes also have a wide variety of needs (business Japanese, travel Japanese, people interested in Japanese media, etc) and skill levels, so it's difficult to fully cater to any one student. I just wouldn't recommend a class unless you want to hang out with other people interested in Japanese. Language is too individualistic to be taught to in a classroom setting, and classes are too infrequent to immerse you in the language.
diff --git a/src/views/footer.tpl b/src/views/footer.tpl index f739b12..442cf57 100644 --- a/src/views/footer.tpl +++ b/src/views/footer.tpl @@ -6,7 +6,7 @@ {{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} games {{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} characters {{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} art -{{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} wiki +{{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} wiki {{random.choice(['.','•','☆','★'])}} me ☆ .. .