<p>There's some uncertainty about how to move forward with my treatment, so let's have a community day of prayer and fasting on Wednesday. If you like, participate however you like. </p>
<h2>Should I try a third line of treatment or experimental medicine? </h2>
<p>I want to fast again but with family and friends. It's hard to think about doing when I'm really weak, but it's been okay in the past, idk. </p>
<p>My oncologist is considering cutting this treatment short and ordered a PET scan for restaging. Maybe we'll try a third line of treatment or maybe experimental medicine if FOLFIRI is doing more harm than good. </p>
<p>There was a lot of uncertainty how to control my cancer in November 2023, too. After inviting close friends for prayer, my oncologist did find a very effective and comfortable treatment then, and it almost killed all the tumors pretty fast. So no big deal, done it before and was fine. It's a nonlinear thing, you know. I prefer prayer to be a part of the planning process, though. </p>
<h2>Let's ask through fasting and prayer </h2>
<p>I'd like to open this to my whole community, so it'd be really sweet if you participate how you like, too. </p>
<p>A fast to me is typically water, no food, and no activities outside of prayer, singing, Scripture, church writings, and sermons. I've never gone over a day. People go about it differently. It's hard, but it's a good time of growth. It reveals what's really important and gives me more of a distaste for wastes of time. </p>
<p>There are many fasts in Scripture, like Esther 4 and Jonah 3. Both books are short and fun and funny to read in full, but these two community fasts are also quite serious, taken in times of certain destruction. Not to be dramatic, but God holds answers when there's no human answer for things. And, of course, don't feel excluded due to your lifestyle. The Assyrians in Jonah weren't good Christians at all, yet God honored their cry. <p>
<p>If you would like to pray for me, pray for
<ul>
<li>• divine intervention in finding the right treatment place
<li>• the treatment to be effective
<li>• my husband
<li>• my oncologist
<li>• my specialist cancer researcher
<li>• my clinic's staff
<li>• new treatment plan
<li>• PET scans next Friday
<li>• no side effects
<li>• your sick friends, too
<ul>
</p>
<h2>Lots of people say they will participate already. :) Thank you. </h2>
<p>Heads up: spoiling the novel <i>Sister Carrie</i> by Theodore Dreiser (1900).</p>
<p>Heads up :: spoiling the novel <i>Sister Carrie</i> by Theodore Dreiser (1900).</p>
<p>FOLFIRI is isolating. Unlike FOLFOX's 2-day recovery period, FOLFIRI has me dragging for over a week--a relentless combination of fatigue, pain, and moodiness. Without being able to go anywhere or handle anything too taxing, my world's contracted into a tight, inward world orbiting the chemo spa and mild pleasures. </p>
<h2>Alone Together </h2>
<p>In 2017, ガンガンONLINE published a sweet manga series called <i>Garden Sphere</i>. (And, oh, how I'd love to cosplay Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou with my husband.♥) The title refers to the secluded little rural castle they retreat into during a time of war to negotiate their political marriage. War cannot reach them there, and no one intrudes aside from a skeleton crew of family servants. </p>
<p>In 2017, ガンガンONLINE published a sweet manga series called <i>Garden Sphere</i>. (And, oh, how I'd love to cosplay Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou with my husband.♥) The title refers to the secluded little rural castle they retreat into during a time of war to negotiate their political marriage. War cannot reach them there, and no one intrudes aside from a skeleton crew of family servants. They are too young to understand politics, so they mostly have playdates and do fittings for their cute wedding clothes. </p>
<center><img src="/static/img/ent/Garden-Sphere.png" alt="(image: A scan from Garden Sphere. Princess Shukuru and Prince Rou are so cute. She's a little horned girl with messy long hair and an adorable ruffled lolita dress, and Rou is one of those animal ear boys who also has visible human ears. In the text, they are agreeing to have a pretend marriage.)" width="500" height="440"></center> <br>
<p>This idea of a “garden sphere” resonates with me. Every work of fiction has--or should have--a narrowed focus, edited under the governance of theme and character. Even grand epics with sprawling settings will carve out intimate spaces: the sanctuary of home, a confidant's embrace, or a moment of introspection that shuts out the storm. These spaces are needed to ground the narrative and characters. </p>
<p>This idea of a “garden sphere” resonates with me, where everything collapses into a small, comforting world curtained off from serious issues. </p>
<p>Every work of fiction has--or should have--a narrowed focus, edited under the governance of theme and character. Even grand epics with sprawling settings will carve out intimate spaces: the sanctuary of home, a confidant's embrace, or a moment of introspection that shuts out the storm. These spaces are needed to ground the narrative and characters. </p>
<p>I’ve always been drawn to these secluded worlds. Growing up, I cultivated my own garden sphere—a realm of imagination and contemplation, guarded by a reserved exterior. Few entered, but those who did are lifelong friends. Maybe that’s why I’m fixated on these spaces with restricted access, designed to be sanctuaries and places of personal nurturing. </p>
<p>These secluded worlds have always drawn me in. Growing up, I cultivated my own garden sphere—a realm of imagination and contemplation, guarded by a reserved exterior. Few entered, but those who did are lifelong friends. Maybe that’s why I’m fixated on these spaces with restricted access, designed to be sanctuaries and places of personal nurturing. </p>
<p>Some favorites come to mind: the Velvet Room in <i>Persona</i>, the towers in <i>Code Lyoko</i>, the Room of Requirement in <i>Hogwarts Legacy</i> (sorry Harry Potter people, I only know this game), and Ryan Gosling's AI girlfriend in <i>Blade Runner 2049</i>. Spaces like guild halls in <i>Guild Wars</i> and runecrafting altars in <i>RuneScape</i> give that sense of being whisked away to a private space only you can your friends can enter. It's more fun when that secret world is tied to an item, like the Modron Cube in <i>Planescape: Torment</i>. </p>
<p>Even in my childhood, I can identify a few. I ran away from home a lot (lol) and haunted the few spaces that felt empty and safe - a wedding chapel in the woods that was never locked, a strangely unused house in my neighborhood, and the unlit sanctuary of a church by my school. My childhood writing illustrated its own, periodically taking a character or two out of the scene and setting them on some island to play out their solitude. It's probably a disassociative misanthropic tendency but whatever. I just crave hiding places. </p>
<p>There are a few from my childhood, too. I ran away from home a lot (lol) and haunted the few spaces that felt safe and empty - a wedding chapel in the woods that was never locked, a strangely unused house in my neighborhood, and the unlit sanctuary of a church by my school. My childhood writing reflected these, periodically taking a character or two out of the scene and setting them on some island to play out their solitude. It's probably a disassociative misanthropic tendency of mine, but whatever. I just crave hiding places. </p>
<h2>FOLFIRI's Small World </h2>
<h2>Cancer's Small World </h2>
<p>Over a fancy globetrotter life with friends and indulgences everywhere, I prefer this simple kind of life. Cancer's bred a superstition in me about that kind of excitement--that any stress, even eustress, sabotages my body and wastes precious recovery energy. Then the chemo fog makes my head run like a slow computer. I always preserved my garden sphere, but now it's a mild, almost childishly shallow place. Sometimes my natural asceticism stirs with guilt over this hedonistic routine I never expected to have. Lounging and enjoying simple pleasures is not the life I tend towards. But what else can I do when my constitution is so weak, physically and mentally? </p>
<p>Over a globetrotter life with friends and fancy indulgences everywhere, I prefer this simple kind of life. Lately, cancer's bred a superstition in me, too, about that kind of excitement--that any stress, even eustress, sabotages my body and wastes precious recovery energy. Then the chemo fog makes my head run like a slow computer. I always preserved my garden sphere, but now it's a mild, almost childishly shallow place. Sometimes my natural asceticism stirs with guilt over this hedonistic routine I never expected to have. Lounging and enjoying simple pleasures is not the life I tend towards. But what else can I do when my constitution is so weak, physically and mentally? </p>
<p>Straight out of the hospital, I marathoned Kitchen Nightmares to an extreme that is frankly embarrassing. I don't think I'm alone. The Youtube comments are full of hospital patients and people watching with dying relatives. Gordon Ramsay may have perfected braindead television. Any episode is a safe bet--a handful of employees to remember, a villain of the week, and Ramsay's miracle cure-all: a coat of white paint, tiny pretentious burgers, and a heart-to-heart. This is truly the epitome of garden sphere reality cable. </p>
<p>Straight out of the hospital, I marathoned Kitchen Nightmares to an extreme that is frankly embarrassing. I don't think I'm alone. The Youtube comments are full of hospital patients and people watching with dying relatives. Gordon Ramsay perfected braindead television. Any episode is a safe bet--a handful of employees to remember, a villain of the week, and Ramsay's miracle cure-all: a coat of white paint, tiny pretentious burgers, and a heart-to-heart. Nothing's so bad it can't be resolved fairly quickly. This is truly the epitome of garden sphere reality cable. </p>
<p>As I've gotten better, my tolerance for media's improved, but not much. I graduated to doll webisodes, easy MMO private servers, and virtually no real literature. It's a sharp drop from Etidorpha, the Bhagavata Purana, and the church fathers I was reading before my health decline, but chemo fog is thick as roux to cut through. That said, at the end of November, I finally managed to finish something for the first time in over a year: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/233">Sister Carrie</a>. </p>
<p>As I've gotten better, my tolerance for media's marginally improved. I graduated to doll webisodes, easy MMO private servers, but no real literature. It's a sharp drop from Etidorpha, the Bhagavata Purana, and the church fathers I was reading before my health decline, but chemo fog is thick as roux to cut through. That said, at the end of November, I finally managed to finish something for the first time in over a year: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/233">Sister Carrie</a>. </p>
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1 month ago